Connecting on a Human Level

I've realized in the past few weeks that I have become disconnected - I have lost touch. I have not lost touch with the world or lost touch with reality, but lost touch with people and human emotion.

I like to help people. I really, really care about people. I want what is best for them. I want to help them and guide them and be there for them. I want to see them happy. I want this for everyone, but I want this most for those who are the closest to me.

I used to fall for people who were struggling; who were hurting; who needed support. I used to know what to say - or what not to say. I used to be able to listen, to analyze objectively and develop advice (whether or not it was given - sometimes advice is not what is needed most), to respond with true, deep, empathetic emotions. I could feel people - feel what they were feeling. I could connect with people, and I loved them deeply.

I've struggled with this form of connection lately.  It is not that I have become careless with my words. I still think about reactions - I am aware of the affect my words may have and how they might be interpreted. But my conclusions seem to miss the boat and the effects are disastrous.

I was talking to my mom a week or so ago and she was explaining how she was feeling after her recent divorce. She was telling me how she didn't trust anyone anymore - how she thought her friends, and even her daughters - my sister and me - were always lying to her when we said we wanted to come over, or that we loved her. She continued with some other topics explaining how she was feeling and what she was going through, and I was completely at loss for what to do, say, or feel. Perhaps it is because the conversation hit very close to home, but I think there is something more. I cannot seem to find that place where I can sense the other person. I can't feel what they are feeling or know how to provide what they need. I never contributed anything to the conversation with my mom, and we parted on a very down note. I think she was reaching for something and I couldn't help her.

I think I noticed this change a year or two ago, but I didn't know what it was. I called it a conflict of personalities - a disconnection not because of my inability to feel and respond, but because of a lack of compatibility for communication types and emotional processes. Really, that was just a way of schluffing the blame off on both of us instead of just me.

But, in the last few months, I've gone through a similar disconnect that made the problem much more clear.

I met someone a few months ago - many months ago - and I entered in to a form of relationship knowing that it would be a connection that required effort and attention; it was going to be a commitment. I couldn't just toy with this person while I tried to find myself or figure out my path. But for some reason it was worth it to me - I wanted it to work and I poured everything I had in to this relationship. It didn't mater that I was 10,000 miles away - literally on the other side of the world - for most of the time that we were talking. I tried to be close, supportive, and loving - I tried to have a human connection. But in all of my trying, I forgot to feel. I was connected - I was invested - I cared deeply. But I wanted to look at every situation and find the answers. I wanted to be perfect and say perfect things. I wanted, deep down, subconsciously, to be the savior. But I was dealing with a person. And people aren't jobs. I had completely and entirely missed the point. My desire to be everything that I was not meant to be drove us apart. I wasn't helping - I was hurting; damaging; destroying. There was a chasm between us and it was only growing.

Of course, I did not realize this then. It has taken me quite a few weeks to look back and understand what I was doing - and to realize that this was not the first time that I had done it. Where did I lose my ability to simply be human? Where did I lose my love of humanity - my love of raw emotion and honesty - to replace it with a love of personal perfection and vanity? Where did I lose my ability to feel and connect to those around me and really understand and provide for them? When did I become so closed?

I feel as if I am missing a piece of myself - as if, if I cannot connect to others I cannot possibly connect with myself - and that makes me very, very lost.

Perhaps it is the other way around, though. That I can no longer connect to myself and can thus no longer connect with others. I think that is the ticket, really. I have been through so much in the last few years that I have completely blocked off anything real. I think I desire perfect human connections not only because I am used to having them with others in the past, but also because I am missing my own personal connection. And I am not so sure that realizing that, or admitting it, will get me any closer to a solution.

I'm not really sure where to proceed to, actually. I'm not really sure what my point was with this, either. Other than to ramble and sort things out for myself. Perhaps you can find some meaning in it, some advice or guidance. Perhaps you can relate. But perhaps you cannot and can simply see my confusion and detachment for what it is. Whatever be the case, it is what it is and life goes on.

Until better thoughts pour in to my head,

Peace and love.

Meaning. Back-listed Drafts from Days Past, Part 1.

Everything in life has meaning, has a purpose.

You are alive today because you still have time left, you're not finished yet. You missed your bus and took a different route to avoid one thing, or to put you in the path of another. You met that girl because you need each other.  

Everything in life happens for a reason. 

That's not to say that there is this great plan for the universe and we are just playing  pieces, or that we should completely write off bad things that happen to us because of the meaning they hold. Reason does not simply fall in to our laps. We must instead remain open and aware of possibility. 

Sometimes things happen and we get carried away. 

We get an opportunity for a job and we take it out of excitement without considering the implications. 

We get in a fight and we say things we don't mean out of anger, or we react before we know what's going on. 

I know, I've done it.

Remembering reason makes me think. Makes me analyze. Maybe it has its set backs: sometimes I over analyze or over think things. Sometimes I get lost in meaning and I can't function with what is really happening. But more often than not, I am rewarded with a strong sense of acceptance and understanding in my relationships with others and with where I am at in my life. I can recognize the bad portions, but I can also find the light to pull me through. I'm not ignoring them or saying they are unimportant, simply nullifying their effect on me; finding the beauty that is inherent in all things. 

Where is Your Heart, Really?

A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. ~Dave Barry 

Have you ever wondered what motivates people? Once you start thinking about it you won't be able to stop analyzing.

I was at work today running A/V for the orientation programs getting ready for one of the last events of the day - a talk from a university higher-up and part time professor to the incoming freshmen. It was supposed to be a really easy session - just a power point, no microphones, no videos, no music. Just a guy talking one on one with the students. Honest-like. It seemed like it would be pretty cool.

On my way to the theatre, I got a beautifully composed message from a friend updating me about her work with middle-schoolers on a reservation. She's been there for a few days teaching programming and animation trying to develop interest early so the kids stay in school. I can tell simply from the updates that she is there purely because she cares about her field, the students, and the reservation. It's refreshing to read something like that - to observe someone at work with what she loves and making a difference just because she can. I have so much respect for her.

The joy I found in that message and the news it brought to me was almost immediately shattered at the theatre.

Although we'd though the lights and projector were on and ready to go, they were not. Although I was there 15 minutes early in case work still needed to be done (which it clearly did) I was confronted by a student orientation leader and told I was late and that the speaker had already gone to the event center office to page A/V and complain that things weren't ready for  him. I was given a stern phrase or two about my unpreparedness in place of a greeting and introduction. Needless to say, I got right to work. It took me five minutes, if that, and each minute I was prompted by the speaker with the items that were left. But as soon as the students sat down, the demeanor changed - a quiet, relaxed voice talking to the students about the things they should focus on for the upcoming semester. It was as if he speaking in order to get the special treatment; because he could flaunt his importance and gain reassurance of his status; recognition for how advanced he was. It seemed so false.

As I reflect on the people that I know and the work that they do, I can continue to make these contrasts and comparisons. I can see motivation in interactions. I can see who is jaded and who still cares.

I don't want to become jaded, callous, or pompous. I want to be genuine. I want to love what I do.

I hope I don't lose sight of that. 

Time Capsule-Esque

I was cleaning today (my SM Kit, specifically) and I found an old notebook. I must have been using it to blog when I didn't have internet because there were a few drafts scribbled on the opening pages. But if you skip forward a bit, I simply began writing quotes. They're good quotes. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote them, but they were worth it. Some of them were things I really needed to stumble across today. Past me must have been really intuitive.

Here are a few for you to ponder:

"But listen, nothing ever comes to you entirely clean, and if you walk away from everything once it gets a little tarnished, you'll always be walking away." The Busy World is Hushed

"I wonder if you've already decided what you're going to do and you're just picking this fight to make things easier for yourself." The Busy World is Hushed

"What mattered was sleeping next to someone. Do you know what I mean? Knowing someone, another human being in the bed, in the room, in the dark, there with you." The Eros Trilogy

"And I was so happy because I was so lucky. Not because I had found someone who love - two people - who loved me...but because I have been able to love them - two people, three, four, in this lifetime. I'm so lucky." The Eros Trilogy

Being miserable doesn't make you better off that anyone else, House, it just makes you miserable." House

Peace and Love.

Ready. Reset. Restart.

Time to start blogging again. It's been ages, I know. But so much has been going on. I've been so busy. There has simply been no time.

That's a terrible excuse, by the way.

I read an essay - a speech, actually - from William Deresiewicz to the plebe class at the United States Military Academy at Westpoint in 2009. It was all about Solitude and Leadership (found here). It was about always finding the time to sit and think and really get to know yourself - in the midst of the rush and rumble and the demands of life, just stop and listen inside instead of outside. If you don't do that, you lose yourself in everything else.

I've been doing that. Losing myself. Blogging used to help me sit and think and get things straight and I let that go. So I could do more, be more, create more...go farther. And I think I hindered myself in the end.

Luckily, with a leadership program at the university, I was required to sit and reflect on things throughout the course of the class. Sometimes I slacked on it, sometimes I rushed it, and sometimes I really thought about it. Either way, it challenged me to keep thinking. Those thoughts can be found here. They may not have been the same as what I do here, but it was at least something. When I got really busy, I didn't journal. I didn't do my leadership assignments. I put them off until the end. And I again hindered myself. I don't think I got as much out of that portion of the program. Clearly, I need the little something.  I need the thinking that writing brings to me.

So much has happened and changed since I stopped blogging. I wish so much that I had been writing through then in order to keep things together. I learned so much and I grew so much and I had so much to share. It would have been so good.

Regardless, I want to start again now. Perhaps I will take a new direction with this. Perhaps I will continue to attempt to be insightful and scholarly. Who knows. But I will keep thinking, I promise.

Come think with me.

Peace and Love. 

Homeward Bound

In the quiet misty morning when the moon has gone to bed,

When the sparrows stop their singing and the sky is clear and red.

When the summer’s ceased its gleaming,

When the corn is past its prime, 

When adventure’s lost its meaning, 

I’ll be homeward bound in time.

Bind me not to the pasture, chain me not to the plow.

Set me free to find my calling and I’ll return to you somehow.

If you find it’s me you’re missing, if you’re hoping I’ll return.

To your thoughts I’ll soon be list’ning, and in the road I’ll stop and turn.

Then the wind will set me racing as my journey nears its end.

And the path I’ll be retracing when I’m homeward bound again.

Bind me not to the pasture, chain me not to the plow.

Set me free to find my calling and I’ll return to you somehow.

In the quiet misty morning when the moon has gone to bed,

When the sparrows stop their singing, 

I’ll be homeward bound again.

-Music and Lyrics by Marta Keen

Welcome, Sort Of.

Have you ever thought about the way you invite someone in to your home?

I stop in the first room with seating. On campus, it's the kitchen/dining area. If I'm not sure what the plans are or what to do, it just seems logical. In my apartment, it was the living area - the room immediately attached to the foyer area. This idea just seems neutral to me - it's not letting anyone too far in, but it's not keeping them out in the cold.

But many people will invite you to their most comfortable living area, where you can be at ease and share. Some people will take you back to their room - completely open to having you in their own personal space. Some people will stand at the door,  leaving you to your own business and forcing you to request your way inside.

The way I am in my own reflects the way I am psychologically. I don't let people in to my head often - I don't talk about my personal problems and struggles. I keep people at a distance, only letting on what is necessary for our relationship. I like to listen to other people and help them out before we get to me. And we rarely get to me. What do your host/hostess behaviors say about you?

I've been taking this communications course - nothing in depth, just a general overview of the topic - but it's really gotten me thinking about my actions and my words and what they might say about me or how they might affect other people - as if I wasn't already worried enough about what other people think.

But I find these connections extremely interesting. Like how far I let people in to my home. I am able to discover new things about my personality and and my mannerisms that I never really thought about or understood before.

It really pays to be observant. I enjoy knowing these previously mysterious little tidbits of information. And just think how much you could learn about other people by observing these same things - and how much of an easier time you could have communicating and interacting with them once you know their motivations and what they are thinking.

Language and communication are very powerful things when we understand how to use them properly. Everything you say and do reflects something deeper inside you and conveys a message - whether positive or negative - to others who observe you.

Always be conscious and observant - you never know what you might stumble across.

Get Out of the Box and Play in the Pool

I've been working on this paper all day - an assignment for my communications class. We had to choose an article from Communication Currents online magazine, and then analyze it based on the principles of communication and our own opinion. I chose an article on the representation of LGBT couples with children in the news, and how it is affecting them. The author took the stance that it was negative - that the struggles and hardships of the children could be used as ammo to ant-gay activists, and that focusing on heterosexual children of LGBT couples only showed that it was okay for the couples to have children if their children weren't gay.

Well, I read through the articles she cited, and I chose to disagree. I think people pick and choose to see, read, and hear what they want - they take in what will support their own opinions. I think because of this, the stories in the articles  needed to be represented in a way that would not scare a way extremists, or even people with slightly opposing view points. As a friend quoted after reading my paper, "nobody likes an extremist-" you have to warm people up to the ideas you wish to present to them in order for them to even consider accepting them.

But what struck me the most, was how much people miss the humanity of the whole situation. I didn't write about this aspect in my paper - with a word count and subject limit, there wasn't really a place for it.However, I still think it is an important aspect of the issue. People read these articles about LGBT couples, families, and individuals and they pull out the facts - they pull out whatever they can use to make and argument for or against. They are reading in order to start an argument about something that should or shouldn't be. But what they are missing is the fact that these are real people. These stories are meant to open the eyes of the world on to the hardships that these families go through, not so that we can say LGBT families are bad, or to prove that anti-gay advocates are wrong, but rather, to show the affects of non-acceptance the cruelty of the closed-minded world.

In almost every article I read for this paper, the families spoke of fear of judgement. They didn't want to speak out about their families because they didn't want to provide media-ammo. They are simply looking to be a family - they want what every family wants - a house, a safe neighborhood, a good school, friends and family to love and support them. But the children are pressured to be model citizens because poor performance could reflect badly on the LGBT community. Parents are afraid to talk of their LGBT children because it might support the misconception that LGBT parents raise LGBT children. If their boys were a little more feminine or emotional, or their girls a little too masculine - they were raised outside of strict gender constraints, and they were corrupted.

The heartfelt stories presented in the news are not meant to produce facts in support or rejection on to these theories. They are meant to bring observers in to these people's live and show the world that they are just like everybody else. The pressure and judgment is there simply because the territory is new, and people don't know what to think just yet. So why can't we see and decide to love?

One second most common aspect of each article portraying an LGBT family is that their children grow to be more open-minder, accepting, and loving than other children. They learn to accept the blending of gender identities - they learn that it's okay to be different from the norm and that it's okay to experiment. They learn to be who they want to be - who they are - rather than who society expects them to be. Aren't these principles that straight parents also teach their children? Aren't these principles the basis of many religious teachings? Isn't this a model of a near-perfect family life?

So what's the big deal? Why do we read for all of the facts and the arguments - why do we pick and fight and analyze and rip everything apart, when what we need is right in front of us? How do so many of us miss the simple humanity of a situation? We are all people and that is what these articles are trying to portray. Is that so hard to see?

I think we could all learn to live and observe as human beings. What if we went through every day living with other human beings - just human beings. No political differences, not economic differences, not racial differences - we were all just people trying to get by - trying to live, and feel, and breathe a little - laugh a little. Because that's all we really are, isn't it?

Take a day and forget everything that society defines you as - forget the labels and the boxes - and just be. Maybe you'll see the world through different eyes.

Peace and Love.

Save or Delete: An Ongoing Battle

I went home last weekend to grab the leftover things that didn't fit in my car the first time, and to visit with my family. I'd seen so much of them and talked to then so much on and off it was weird to think about getting back in to the almost total separation that happens when I go back to school. But that's not really the point of this post.

When I got home, I learned that my dad would be driving out to Dearborn in order to do work on my Grandparents' house.

For those of you who don't know, my grandparents died within twelve hours of each other, in their home, last June. It was a very trying time for my family, as you can imagine.

But the house was never dissolved. For my aunts and uncles, letting go of the house and everything inside it meant completely letting go of everything that was my grandparents - and the childhood of my dad and ny aunts and uncles. It was too much, too soon for them.

So the house sat.

My grandparents' remains were taken care of quickly- cremation- but the memorial service wasn't scheduled until September. It took 3 months just to be able to think of their passing as concrete enough to memorialize- so you can imagine what a big step working on the house would be.

At the Holidays, there was talk of using my grandparents' house for gathering, and my aunts and uncle would still stay there when they came in to town. It seemed strange to me - erie - wanting to stay in the house of someone who'd passed. But it was okay for them, and I guess that's what mattered. I avoided it on most occasions.

But this weekend - a year later - they were finally ready to start tackling the huge project of cleaning, sorting, and dividing my grandparents' things amongst them. Ad believe me, that house is full to the brim of things to go through.

They had been at the house two or three days before I'd gotten there. Many rooms were full of things with tags on them labeling who wanted what and what items would need to be "fought over." Some were complete, some weren't, and there was a lot left to do. Ibwalked through the house, looking at all the items, reminiscing about certain things and times that I'd had there. But as I walked, I didn't really come acrid anything I'd want to keep. They were all just...things. They came with memories, yes, but they weren't memories I didn't have in my head or in pictures.

This was not the case for my family going through the house. Everything was of value and importance. They reminisced as they went through things and labeled things based on the rememberance. They talked of getting storage units in order to make room for all of the things they would be bringing home.

I wanted to understand where they were coming from, and I did a little, but I could also see where it could become such a waste- all of those things just sitting in a unit, gathering dust simply because they reminded us of a long-gone past. These two viewpoints left me in a very big contradiction of thoughts.

Which is better? Collecting scads of things that we may not need, and may not ever use - or living in a throw-away society, where nothing means anything and we live, basically, sentimentally barren?

I couldn't help but feel that so many things; ties; memories; reminders would bog us down. How can you go through life attached to so many objects? You'd never be able to just live and be and breathe- you would be defined by all of the things you'd carry with you. But at the same time, we can't go through life carrying nothing. Without attachment we are careless. Even heartless - one couldn't be expected to walk through his parents house and want nothing.

I guess I don't really know why I was bothered the amount things being saved just for the sake of saving. Maybe it's the waste - think of all the people who might love to have those things- all the good that could be done by donating them or selling them. Maybe it's the mixture of feelings that I still have for the whole situation. I'm not yet sure where I stand as far as moving on, so blocking it out just seems more comfortable. Maybe it's my lack of connection to my grandparents and to that house  - we never spent much time there, so my memories are hardly grand. I don't know, and probably wont know, but regardless, there is something strange there.

Maybe for my family, they are still struggling to move on. Maybe this step is a good step, though arduous. Maybe when they are ready, there will be a phase two to the sorting, when we will get down to the really important things.

But in the end I'm not sure if it matters. Should we save? Or should we delete? I'm not sure where the line is, and maybe we all balance each other out in the end - I don't know. But in the meantime, I will continue pondering.

There IS Sense to the Silly Things I Say

We were at the fireworks for the 4th of July yesterday and I said something silly, that didn't really make sense. I knew what I'd said wasn't what I mean, but there was too much going on to really think about it and fix it. I took me until today to figure it out.

Everything had just ended - the smoke from the Grand Finale was still lingering in the air, catching the red, white, and blue beams from spot lights. Mass amounts of people were gathering their things and heading back to their cars, fighting with each other for walking space, car space, and the right of way. Even still, there were people sitting on the lawns lighting off cheap, legal "fireworks," and even some illegal ones.

It had been a friend of mine's first time celebrating the 4th, and he wasn't impressed. It was stressful, he said. Which is true. The Saginaw set up isn't really crowd friendly. Another in our group loves it - the people, the colors, the fireworks, what it represents. The whole shebang. In response to the discussion, I'd said "I just like the fireworks. I could give two shits about the holiday, I don't really like what it represents. But I like the fireworks." After a quizzical look, I continued, "The whole killing people for more land idea." Which didn't really get me a good response. More of a condescending "you don't really understand, do you?" response.

I realize what I'd said, but with the hectic crowds and the moment, I let it go. I kept thinking about it though. I knew what I'd meant, I just couldn't phrase it.

It's not that I don't understand that the 4th of July is Independence Day - our freedom from Britain - rather than a celebration of a battle for land. I'm not an idiot. But it took a battle for land, theoretically to get there. If we didn't win the land, Britain would still have it and we wouldn't really be free. Which is from where I was coming. But that wasn't my ultimate meaning.

The United States of American were originally fought for and founded in order to gain religious freedom from Britain. Colonists wanted to practice what they believed, rather than what they were told to believe. They didn't want to be controlled by a government in which they had no say. All very valid arguments.

So we fought, and we won, and that's great. But then we proceeded to persecute those not of the religion on which American was founded - or any other differences people may have had, really. Salem Witch Trials, anyone? Red Scare? Slavery and the Civil Rights Movement? Women's Rights? The LGBT Rights Movement? We aren't really even free from our own country. We gain new freedoms, sure. But it takes a long, hard battle to get there. Frankly, if there was anymore land to be had, there'd probably be a group destined for it, trying to start a new country. What do you think - socialist? All gay, all the time? Survey says...

Our victory and freedom from Britain was just a proclamation of our inability to accept our differences as human beings, and an encouragement to run away and live with other people who are just like us. And that is what I don't like about the 4th of July. We have a great and beautiful country and we have a lot of freedoms compared to other places, but we aren't done yet. Not until we can live with our neighbors, no matter how much we disagree with them, and love them for who they are.

And maybe the 4th of July is a celebration of out ability to fight for our freedoms and win - I suppose that's a possibility. But I'm not ready to gloss things over just yet. There still a little negativity buried beneath my optimism.

None the less - I love my country - but we aren't perfect. And that was all I meant by my slightly inaccurate and brash statement.

Happy America Day,
Peace and Love.

The End of an Unnecessary Search: A Long Winded Ramble

The self is not something that one finds. It's something that one creates. -Thomas Szasz

I've been struggling for a while now to, for lack of a better phrase, discover who I am. I know it sounds cheesy, but I guess it's true. I've spend so much time being who I think I should be, or who I think other people want me to be, or who I wish I was, that I've never really nourished "me." I struggle to make decisions for fear that I might make the wrong one, or one that isn't as accepted as I'd like it to be. I struggle to make conversation because I don't know what to talk about it - what the other will want to talk about. I can never just be. I've known this for a while, but I've never sat back and looked at it for what it is. I've just pushed it a way and gone on with what I've always done.

But lately, I've been wanting so much to just be me. I want to be able to answer the question, "who are you?" without hesitance. I want to be able to describe myself in three words without struggling.

I want definition.

But I didn't know how to get there. I would look through things and just search for meaning. I would miss the entirety of what I was looking at because I was simply trying to see myself. But it doesn't work like that. I've been noticing that for a while.

I stumbled across the quote above in while doing the reading for my communications class. The section was all about how who we are is developed from the time we are children, and shaped by our society, culture, and interactions. And how who we are then shapes how we communicate and interact both with ourselves and the people around us. The idea of "self" is extremely important. And yet I have no idea of my own.

Which is where the quote comes in, actually. It struck me I guess, because of all the searching I've been doing. Instead of "rediscovering who I am," I've just been creating and fueling a confusion of my own - pushed further by how much my searching wasn't doing.

So I stopped. And I thought back to everything that I'd been focusing on, looking for some, great meaning. And I found what I'd been looking for. Sort of.

Ultimately, I am defined by my sexuality - something that holds me back in some situations, and a bit of knowledge that I withhold from many people; I am defined by my gender as I struggle to fit in with societies definition of a "girl," when I don't; I am defined by my masculine ambition, drive, and independence in competition with my feminine insecurity; I am defined by my anxiety; by my career choice as a stage manager; by my need to be busy in order to run away.

These are all things that I have known, and that I have just never accepted. What I wanted was right there the whole time, and I just wanted something different. I was in search of something else that wasn't really me, and in the process of searching I created some other me that wasn't real. I created a shell around myself, searching for something to fill it. But underneath, I have an incredibly strong and independent self - one with great uniqueness and definition and I tried to escape it instead of embracing it.

I've tried very hard to keep this blog separate from "me." It was meant to be a disconnected collection of stories and observations to offer insight. But I have been noticing more and more that it is more an extension of me; my ideas displayed in search of approval, judged by the daily tally of "views." I would like to say that I will begin integrating myself back in to my posts, so to speak. But that's highly unnecessary. I just need to start thinking more, and posting more, and posting for me rather than for the responses.

So that is what is to come.

I apologize for the long winded and angst-y ramble.

Ultimately  - don't lose yourself in the world. Don'y lose yourself in who you wish you were, or who others want you to be. Just focus on being. And don't forget what defines you, and don't run from it either.

Just live. Love. Laugh. Be at peace. Enjoy the wind at your back and the sun on your face. All that cliche stuff. 

Flying on Planes

Have you ever looked for shapes in the clouds while you're flying high above them?

Have you ever watched the sun reflect off the moisture in the air- scattering warm displays of radiance?

Have you ever followed the pale white ground of the heavens until it fades to the brilliant blue of infinity?

Come fly with me. There is beauty in the air and we miss it every day with our feet so permanently on the ground.

Live, for a day, with your head in the clouds and tell me what you see.

Peace and Love.

How To Be Alone by Tonya Davis

I recently read the poem "How To Be Alone" by Tonya Davis. I don't remember how I came across it...random stumbling around on the internet. But it caught my attention. Tonya goes through the steps of acclamating onesself to the idea of being alone- from having coffee alone to going to dinner alone to going to the club alone and dancing like no one's watching, "because they probably aren't," as she puts it. Sometimes this can sound so appealing, and yet, seems like such a silly idea.

We are so absorbed in meeting people- connecting with them- adding them up and having the most friends, whether we are close with them or not. It's a game, a competiton, a distraction. We are surrounding ourselves with people and things to keep us from ourselves.

As I'm sitting here, on this plane, quite litterally flying solo, I'm having a hard time just sitting with myself. Ibwant to talk to the people sitting next to me, or text people on my phone that is always with me, or blog tobmy readers, or read something engaging. I can't just....be. Why?

I guess it's less of an inability to be alone, and more of a lack of desire to be alone. But again, why?

Is it a need to keep up with appearances- to keep up with the social norm of popularity? Is it a dislike of things that might cross my mind, or a fear of them? Is it because I am so used to being busy or occupied that I simply don't know how to stop?

I guess it's a good thing that I have this whole flight on my own to think about these things, as the man sittig next to me plays Angry Birds, as absorbed in his electronic life as I am; and as the people around sit with their spouses and their magazines, oblivious to the moments flying by.

Common Ground

“If we cannot yet reconcile all opinions, Let us endeavor to unite all hearts.” -Robert Owen, 1832

We all have something in common with whoever is sitting next to us; across from us; near us. We have something in common with people far away from us too; the whole world. 

We have so many different opinions and viewpoints; different beliefs. We are individuals - we are our own  people. It's something advertised, acknowledged and encouraged on a regular basis. 

And yet, there is still so much hatred. We don't like people who are different from us in the wrong ways. We don't like people who are radical or "weird." These differences set up blockades between us; we can't see around them. 

But really, we have something that we can share in, unite it, or believe in together. We just don't spend the time looking for it. We stop at different and don't move on to similar. 

So why not try to find things that you agree on? Hell, agree to disagree if that's all you can discover - but I know there is something more. There is something beneath the surface that you're missing. 

Set a goal for yourself. Find the things you share with people, and let them unite you against the hatred of diversity. 

Dive in to your differences and land on common ground. 

Peace and Love.

"I Never Said That," And Other Drama Causing Situations

So, recently I had a conversation with friend that I hadn't spoken to in a while.

I mean, we'd conversed when we had to- business and the like- but we hadn't had a real conversation, friend to friend.

It came up that we weren't as close as we used to be.
Well, rather, it was dumped on me that we weren't close friends anymore. I mean, I could tell something was wrong considering the talking situation, but I didn't think that we just weren't friends. I'd figured it was a bit of misunderstanding that could be worked out and needed time.

Anyway, that piece is hardly to the point. That is another story.

We began talking about where we were as friends, and I mentioned that I have a difficult time having friendships in business situations, and that I keep my friendships fluid in that respect. If we are not working together, we can be really good friends. But once we start working together, it has to be understood that I will remove myself and that we will have an extremely professional relationship. And once the job is done, we can go back to being friends. But when I am stage managing, or trying to lead, it's difficult to define friendship and also define a chain of command and a chain of control. Feelings are bound to get hurt. So I don't even go there.

We sort of continued talking but I never got her side.

I found out later that what she heard was "I only want to have a professional relationship with you."

That's not what I meant at all, and I hope, after all that I said, that that wasn't what it boiled down to.

It got me thinking- about all the conversations that we have with the people around us. Do we ever consider how they listen? How they need to be spoken to? Is it even important?

People say "accept me for who I am." I preach love and acceptance almost every day. We want people to accept us for who we are. If I word things in a round about manner than people should work out a way to deal with it.

At the same time though, we need to accept other people. If they listen in black and white manner, then we should accept it and deal with it.

So. Do I change the way I speak to certain people, or is it their problem if they don't understand it?

Or is there a compromise. <-- I believe that this is the ticket. But the problem is, how do you reach the compromise without the argument that ensues after the misunderstanding. The "you said, I never said, sounded like to me, he said she said" arguments. We can't all be completely perceptive of how every single person functions. We are how we are, and what we are is human. We all speak in our own way and hear in our own way.

So at what point does twisting what people say to you become a problem or a disorder instead of just who you are? And at what point does speaking harshly become cruelty instead of just who you are? When does passivity become detrimental instead of simply a personality trait? When doe aggressive behavior become abuse?

There are fine lines everywhere..it's like a laser field out there. How do you know what you've crossed and what you haven't and how far you have yet to go?

These are questions that I have yet to answer...and maybe they will never be answered.

But the one step that I have come across is that you must first understand yourself before you can understand others. Know your own fine lines - your own issues, behaviors, and quirks. Know your flaws and your strong points. When you understand yourself, you can begin to see yourself through other people's eyes. Don't degrade yourself, and don't put yourself on a pedestal. But just..begin to understand.

Understanding and communication are the root of all connection and compromise. 

The Future, 2.0

Well.

A lot of new and exciting things have been going on around here - a lot of new commitments, new paths, new opportunities, new honors - it's been pretty incredible.

Not that I am trying to brag. It could be as detrimental to my wellbeing as it will be a kick-start to my future. So bear with me.

I received the Roberts Fellowship at the University. A year long leadership class, taught by some of the best and brightest there, and also completely paid for. Only 12 students are selected out of the hundreds who qualify for application. This year, they only picked 11. Along with the class, the students must attend various evening lectures, events of fellow students, and an in-depth group service project that will change the lives of those being served. At the end of the year, the class takes a three week trip to Asia, also completely paid for. It is one of the highest honors the University has to offer before graduation.

This is a huge honor as well as a huge commitment. It will take up almost all of my free time that I may have had after theatre hours take their toll. On top of that, a lot of the lectures overlap scheduled rehearsal time. It will be a daunting task two balance the two commitments, but I told the board that I would be able to work it out.

Thinking back on it, I've begun to worry that I can't. I refuse to not try. I refuse to give up my responsibilities in the theatre department because I might not be able to handle it. Those who do not try never succeed. So It might be a semester from hell, but when it's done, I will have survived and become stronger because of it. And if I can't do it, I will sit, think, talk, and admit that I'd made a mistake and took on too much.

There comes a point when you have to begin to say no. There comes a point when all of your commitments and opportunities become a curse rather than a blessing. But what I am hoping is that I have reached max capacity, finally having a reason to say no to everything else, rather than breaching capacity and falling apart.

We shall see.

This will, above everything, be a learning and growing experience for myself. I will find myself somewhere along this road. I will discover my boundaries and my limits - and I will exceed them - go above and beyond them. I will discover my strengths and develop them, and discover my weaknesses and learn yo overcome them.

Never say no to a risk. Risks are what define us, what create us, what help us to grow. Without risk we never change, we only stay the same. Without risk there is no try, and there is no succeed. There is only static.

So. Honor and opportunity? Check. Acceptance? Check. Risk? Check. Scared and Nervous? Check. Excited? Check.

It could bend and break me, but in the end, I will come back stronger and better than before.

Lets do this.

And then there are those random days when the world seems full of love...

"I know you've been going through some not-so-great things lately, but remember that you're beautiful and talented and that you deserve the purest happiness the world has to offer. ~Anonymous 

whoever you are you are an amazing person. Thank you for your kind words. Though I do know this it is amazing to be reminded of it when my life seems to say otherwise.

When was the last time you made someone's day by simply telling them how special they are?

When was the last time you walked down a hallway and just smiled at the people you pass by?

It's the little things. 

'Hurts So Good' and other stories on why we do what we do; Part 2

A while back, I posted the following:

"Don't be afraid to hurt or to feel. It reminds you who you are, and that you are."

And I'd forgotten about it, until now. It's true that we are described by our feelings - both physical and emotional - but they are not all that we are. They do not define us. They accent that which is in our very being - but they do not control us.

They are simply that - reminders.


Sometimes we get lost. We think it's worth it. We forget that we are something beyond our hardship - the hurt and the feelings consume us.

Sometimes we bottle everything up - we try to keep it, and remain blank. We lose the thought and introspection that comes with feeling. We want to be stony faced and strong - because somehow emotion weakens us. It makes us vulnerable.

But somewhere in between the two is reality. We do feel, we do hurt - it's a part of life. We are vulnerable beings - giving in to this vulnerability and trusting those who see it is what makes us stronger.

And this is a lesson that I have yet to grasp and live out.
Trust is one of the hardest trials known to man - to unmask everything at lay it at another's feet.

To fully live, we must accept that we must feel. We must embrace our emotions and let them fill even the darkest corners, without letting them consume and take control, leading to irrationality.

To accept that we feel, we must first trust.

To trust...we must leap, or fall, into something uncertain and unknown.

Instead we often hide. We bottle up, or we let too much go to soon.
When will we learn to stand up on two feet?

'Hurts So Good' and other stories on why we do what we do; Part 1

I've had quite a few people tell me in the past few days their lives are described by songs.

"We exchange ourselves and we do it all the time - why do we do that? Why do I do that?"

"I don't care what people say, the rush is worth the price I pay. I get so high when you're with me."

"I can't breathe but I still fight, while I can fight. As long as the wrong feels rights it's like I'm in flight. High off a love and drunk from the hate."

We express ourselves through these words and depictions daily - sometimes subconsciously - finding meaning in art and  music - in lyrics and poems and other people's stories. Because deep down, these connections mean we're not alone - we're not crazy - someone else is feeling the same way too.

And when you look back on it, these lines - these connections - are not happy. They aren't sunshine and daisies. Because, for some reason, we don't need to justify out gladness. We justify our pain. As if we revel in, though we know it's meant to be undesirable, because it somehow defines us; gives us definition - a darker side. We become shaded and shadowed - more than an outline.

Moreover, we seek out our own demons, keeping them just below the surface. We act on our impulses, no matter how detrimental they may be. And we draw on the pain it all provides.

And then we fight it.

It's a fight we can win - it can put us out on top. Because overcoming pain is honorable and courageous - and we praise courage above all else. We become 3-dimensional.

These words that we rely on help us find these battles, and learn what we need to overcome.

But often, we use the words as a hiding place. Rather than finding our own personal darkness and defeating it with the encouragement that we are not alone, we take comfort in the fact that others are going through the same troubles - it becomes normal; t becomes accepted - a uniqueness strengthened by the fact that it has been written about. It's something special. So why fight it? Why let it go? People go through it all the time - "it's just who I am," we say.

So why do we through ourselves away so easily? Why do we seek normalcy in the things that hurt us most? 

As Communication Fades Away:

"But the reality is that we communicate with every part of our being, and there are times when we must use it all. When someone needs us, he or she needs all of us. There’s no text that can replace a loving touch when someone we love is hurting.

We haven’t lost romance in the digital age, but we may be neglecting it. In doing so, antiquated art forms are taking on new importance. The power of a hand-written letter is greater than ever. It’s personal and deliberate means more than an email or text ever will. It has a unique scent. It requires deciphering. But, most important, it’s flawed There are errors in handwriting, punctuation, grammar, and spelling that show our vulnerability. And vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, “This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more importantly, all that I am not.”

- Ashton Kutcher

*Read the full post here.

I understand now why I was hurting, and why I felt the need to speak my mind. I understand now why I wrote that letter, and why it hurts that it was never sent - that you never read it. I know that I feel all of these things, but they are often unexplainable, and are often accompanied with the feeling of insanity. 

But insanity is often really sanity, masked by the image of modern society, and the expected idea of social normalcy. We all strive for perfect, an unattainable image. We are all crazy. 

It's nice to find some reassurance, some understanding, some repetition of your thoughts in another's words. 

It's the little things we stumble across that give strength through our days. 

Peace and Love.