Just Pass It On

Two of my friends had been dating for..gosh, two or three years it must have been, and their relationship had been on the rocks for a while. Each would come to me and just talk about what he was going through- sometimes they would search for advice, and sometimes they would just want to talk. The least I could do was listen. I tried my best to offer what advice I could - I tried to be objective and realistic, yet comforting - it was difficult to balance. They think and feel so differently from each other, it was easy to get lost in what one was saying to me and lose my middle grounds. I hadn't heard from either of them in a while, until today. I was told that they had broken things off officially, and that, although he wasn't happy now, he knew he could be. He told me he was glad that he felt he could come to me with his problems, and he was glad that I hadn't just told him "everything will work out okay." He also told me that the other felt the same - and that they had shared that they had both come to me. They were so glad that they could both trust me, and that knowing both sides of the story allowed me to offer them everything they needed.

It felt so good to know that I had done that - that I had helped make someone's life that much easier. I try my best to listen to people and to look at their problems and help them as much as I can. It is a rare, but beautiful, day that I can hear back from them and know that things worked out for them. I am thankful for every day that I can be here for another person, every day that I can love someone and help him get by.

And I hope that in time, the love and care I gave to each of them can be passed on to another and another, and that one day, we will all be linked by that same love. Because I know I got my love from someone, and I hope that they feel the same joy I feel when they see that I have passed it on.

I hope one day it reaches you -- Just wait.

A Lesson in Confidence and Failure

"Confidence comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong." Peter T. McIntyre

This is something which which I struggle daily, and I am sure many out there do. When one lacks confidence, it is often something we consider to be a "lonely" emotion - It always seems, to me at least, that everyone else is already confident, and I am the only one working for it. But this is not the truth. The truth is that we all lack confidence, be it every day, every once in a while, or just at one point in our lives. We have all felt afraid - scared to put ourselves out there, scared of ridicule, scared of scolding, scared of exile. 

But this universal fear is not something to revel in. We should not be happy that we are not alone in our lack of confidence. Why do we live in such a world that we should be afraid to be who we are? I you are afraid of what others think, and afraid of being wrong, why would you give someone else a reason to have that same fear? 

Instead, we should be open, loving, and accepting to all that is around us. We shouldn't care if someone is different, or if we don't agree with how they are. We can still love them. Differences are what keep us interesting. They are exciting and new, and we should cherish them. 

But, alas, not all people see the world in this way. Many people still judge and hate; and even those who have vowed acceptance still slip up - we still laugh and gossip. It is an easy fault. And so, in this harsh society, how does one abandon his fear of being wrong?

The answer, quite simply, is he doesn't. He cannot abandon it - it is one makes him who he is - but he can overcome it. That is the key. When one accepts that not everyone will like him, and that others are just as afraid as he is, then he will be able to step over his own fears and take the lead. If you are wrong, you are wrong, so you make another attempt and you start again. It's like the age old saying which we all seem to disregard: Live and Learn. We all make mistakes, accept it, learn from it, and move on. Should someone criticize you, take what they have to say to heart and make a change. 

Now, all this is not to say that finding confidence is an easy task. As I said, I struggle every day. I find each day that I have an easier time forgetting and ignoring what others might think, but I still know that the fear is there. There are some things that I am still unable to do. But I have faith that I will get there. 

I was in the office of a professor, discussing theatrical politics. I said I was afraid that people would think worse of me based on the decisions that I make and the actions that I execute. And do you know what he told me? He said: It's tough. I still struggle every day. I worry about the enemies that I might make, but you have to understand that the people don't matter. You are not in this business to make friends. You are in this business to do what you love and to do it well. So someone doesn't like you? So what? You don't need him anyway, because, odds are, someone out there doesn't like him either, and he has already moved on. It's tough, and I'm still getting there. 

How much more honest could he be? He is 40, maybe 50, and he still admits to his fears and to his lack of confidence. But he cared enough to disclose his heart to me. If he made a wrong decision, he learned from it, because he is where he is today. Something worked out for him whether or not he had wrong decisions along the way. 

So, take a risk. Who cares? What's the worst that could happen? You have to try again? It's easy to do things you know you can do, but you learn so much less from those tasks. 

In the words of Samuel Beckett, "Ever tried, ever failed; no matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."

Do not fear being wrong - embrace it, learn from it.

"The hand you hold is the hand that holds you down..."

A few weeks ago, I went back home for my grandmother's memorial. Of course, everyone was in a weird mood, and everyone was at odds with each other, but we got through it. We always do.

But there was a point during the memorial when the children (my aunts and uncles) shared memories of their mom.

The first portion that struck me funny was that my dad didn't share anything, he didn't prepare anything. I thought, at first, that it was because he simply didn't know what to say - because he keeps those things inside. I know emotions make him awkward. But he said later that it was because he had different relationship with his parents than his siblings did. He said his mom didn't try with him - that she just left him to grow on his own, and that he didn't get the nurturing he needed to call her his mom and get what he needed from the relationship. I still don't know what to take from this experience. What could cause a mother to leave her child on his own? And what could cause a son to bury this for so long?

The second that struck was my aunt’s reading. I don’t know that the attachments or the history behind it can be explained, or that it will ever stop bothering me.

To set up this situation, my aunts and uncles still called my grandparents mommy and daddy up until the day they died. These – names – have such a childish attachment – a dependency attachment. To never let that go is...almost disturbing. Something happened in that family; something that is now destined to lie in secret forever.

But my aunt’s reading went deeper than that.

She spoke of how my grandmother was her closest companion – how she knew my aunts deepest secrets, and how no one could ever replace her. It was eerily reminiscent of a lover’s relationship – the life-long partner who knows the darkest places in your mind. It displaced me. Your mother is your guidance and your driver, someone you run from and yet, the one you fall back on. But for her know everything – to be your everything – is…pedophilic. It’s incest. It’s oedipal in a…stretched interpretation…sense. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it, aside from addressing my discomfort.

Since this instance I haven’t been able to shake the feelings from that day. It’s not something that is trapping me or really bothering me, but it’s just there. Could she really have found so few worthy of her love, that she was left to turn to her mother? Could she really have had so little that she couldn't grow past her infancy - grow past her mother at the center of her world?

We bury so much, and we think it’s taken care of, and it isn’t. Things like this stay with us forever. Your past is a part of you. Although I have no control over how my grandparents were, their actions and their affects on my aunts and uncles, and on my father, are a part of me. And in a sense, they didn’t have control over my grandparents’ actions either. They did what they could to cope. But burying so much so that it comes out in these twisted, eerie concepts is painful to observe. Someone needed to reach out to them before the damage began.

Someone needed to love her so she could see beyond the matriarch engulfing her mind, so she could move beyond this obsession. 

I live to be that person, to someone. I reach out in all directions for a hand to grasp.

Find yours and lead or be led.

We often blur the edges or our minds; sometimes all we need is a focus on the truth.  

I Guess Rhianna Said It Best...

My political science professor was shocked at my cynicism in class today. I surprised myself, to be honest. We were asked to write a response as to whether we though human beings were inherently good or bad. My response was as follows:

I firmly believe that human beings are inherently careless and self-centered. Each and every thing that we do is because of a selfish desire to get ahead, or to be better than someone else. We have developed governments to keep people in line and to protect our rights, but as people run for office and are elected as protectors of these rights, it is clear that we are never really safe. Politicians run for office hoping to meet their own agendas. They tell lies and make promises so that constituents will vote for them. But why does someone really want to be a politician? Because they want to change something how they think it should be; they have their own thoughts in mind. They want the power and the ability to control things. It’s selfish. And to make things worse, we are raised in a society where we are taught not to care. If sister is watching my little pony and you want to watch batman, all you have to do is walk down the hall, to your own room with your own things and your own television, and you can watch batman. And we wonder why our children can’t share. We wonder why there is a problem with bullying in the hallways. We wonder why we struggle with religious intolerance; why we have world wars. We wonder so many families suffer through divorce, and why our children leave home and don’t return. It’s because we don’t care enough. We don’t pay attention enough to fix the issues as they come. We just let it happen, because we are getting our way and we are getting ahead and that’s all that matters. People are shit and that’s all there is to it.

Rereading this and retyping it really makes me think about how much I have changed in the past few months; even the past few weeks. I guess, you get burned enough times and you start to learn how the world really works. I mean, I still believe that there is a positive side to everything; I still believe that everything happens for a reason; and I still believe that everything is worth it; but there comes a time when you start to regret trust, and you start to regret softness. You can’t just be nice, because people will walk all over you and people will take advantage of you, and before you know it, you have nothing left but someone else has built an empire. Instead you need to have leather for skin and you need to forge through and care about yourself and put yourself first so that you can be the one with the empire.

But why? Why do I need an empire? To be honest, I need an empire because the empire in someone else’s hands means I have the potential to get hurt.

And it shouldn’t be like that.

Writing that response made me want to change so badly, because there are exceptions to the rule, I know it. But who’s to say those exceptions aren’t doing it selfishly? And the truth is there isn’t. I know I help people because it makes me feel good. I like having people come to me and tell me things – it makes me feel good to know that I am trustworthy and that people think I care. But is that so wrong? If we all wanted to care and wanted people to know we cared, we would try harder. I want to get rid of the thought that we are so terrible. I want to think that we are good again. I want to be happy. And I want the world to change.

I want to change so badly. I don’t want people to have to think this way. And now that I have discovered this, I will put everything I have into changing and into caring. Just the fact that I have to try says something, doesn’t it? Should it be so hard to care? But that is beside the point. The point is that I don’t want to be shit anymore.

But it can’t only start with me – because getting hurt is the whole reason why nobody tries. You can only hurt so much before you burn. And I’m already on fire.

It starts with you, too. 

Sometimes I really just don't know what to write about...And then it hits me.

I have had so many things going on in my life lately, and not really anything that ties together well enough to post. But maybe that in itself is something to discuss. Just. Life in general, as it happens.

I lost a friend - she's not talking to me anymore. It's out of my hands and there's nothing I can do. So I've moved on. It's nice, actually, to not have to worry about it anymore. I have my real friends and my close friends, and then people who are going to stick with me through thick and thin. And I love them so much. They make my life worth it.

I almost lost another friend  - through a complete misunderstanding. Word got round that I had been talking shit about her and that I hated her and the whole thing just got so blown out of proportion. She couldn't talk to me because she was so mad and I didn't want to push the issue so I waited. But the nice thing is, we worked it out in the end. We talked and argued a little and we probably still have our differences, but we were able to get through it. We've become close enough friends in the last year that we can get through a little fight, and we can just be open and honest with each other and I really, really cherish that.

I auditioned for a show, and I feel amazing about my audition. When I work-shopped it with other people, everyone said it was good. When I got direction during the audition I took it and ran with it and I feel amazing. The director pulled me into his office today and told me he wanted to talk to me after the list goes up. I completely don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I am excited, because I want the feedback and he is clearly excited to give it to me, but at the same time, I am completely reading in to why he wanted to warn me. But alas, I worry too much. I just need to wait until tomorrow morning and find out for sure. But that has been an exciting/nerve wracking event in my life right now.

I am trying to get in to work and intern with the Cirque de Soleil. I was talking to a friend of mine and she has a friend who is currently working with them in Russia. So I emailed the girl and she's looking at my resume. It's incredible that it got that close so fast. So today, in class, we were talking about our life plans. So of course, I was talking about Cirque, and one of the girls informed me that she had job shadowed with one of the Stage Managers on a tour show for Cirque. She's getting me the contact info, and that right there is another connection. I feel like every day, the more I talk and dream and plan for Cirque, the closer I get and the more real it becomes. How many people can say that? How many people can say they are working for a goal and can see the horizon getting closer? How many people can say that they are doing exactly what they love to do and that they are happy? It's incredible.

I met a kid in my Spanish class. Not an interest or anything, but just a friend. We are in the Honors Program together, but I had never really talked to him. But now we talk a lot before, after, and during class. It's nice that I was able to bond and make a new friendship that quickly. He's a really cool kid and I enjoy our conversations. A lot of my classes have been like that. I have just be so easy going and so stress free that I actually..enjoy them for once. I can walk in and say hello to be and be that kid who has a good time and makes jokes and talks and still achieves and gets an A. That is the person who I have always striven to be. And now I am. I love who I have become this year - I have found myself and I have become comfortable with myself and I can just be me and love every minute of it. I mean, I still have my hardships and I still have insecurities, but for the most part, I am succeeding and I am having the time of my life.

When you let yourself go, it's incredible the things you can accomplish. And you may lose people along the way, but to be honest, those people never mattered in the first place. If they can't deal with you the way you are then they don't matter. Odds are, you are going to meet new people who fit in to your life and you are going to make new friends and new connections. To quote a silly old song, accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. There is always a door open and always a new option for you - something that is going right. You just have to take life in stride and not dwell on things that are causing problems. Deal with what is thrown at you  - just throw it right back.

Happy living!

Late Night Troubles

Rock Bottom

You caught me at my lowest low

and started tearing at the stone.

I crumbled into dust, 

chipping away like rust.

I put everything I had into your open hands;

I felt your waves strike me like sand.

Now folded in amongst the rest

maybe it's for the best.

I'm not afraid to let you go-

I'm not afraid to be alone. 

Caring Loudly

This happened to me some time ago, I just never got around to actually writing about it. And now that I am sitting here, unable to sleep, I figured what better time?

I recently moved back on campus for the year, in the midst of other major troubles in my life. It's just been a hard month or two. But that is besides the point. During the move I felt very out of place - I just didn't know where I fit in or what I was doing or where I was going to end up. It was confusing. I wasn't feeling very confident about myself and I didn't feel ready to face the world for another year.

But I made myself stay involved and stay active - I participated in events and happenings over the weekend, before classes started. One event, an outdoor picnic, was terribly placed in the middle of a heat wave. I hadn't eaten much and I was coming down with a headache from lack of food and dehydration. I decided to leave early, and a friend of mine walked me back to my room. We were just talking, about nothing really, and she saw how miserable I looked and she immediately flipped into a mode of concern. She made sure I had eaten and that I was going to be okay. She said that I didn't always eat, and that I worried her sometimes because I wasn't healthy and I wasn't treating myself right. And I almost cried. All it took was that one little sentence - her voicing her concern for me, as a friend. And that was it - I just needed someone to care. It wasn't any special, huge moment for us; just an every day exchange. But it was something I had been missing from the friends I thought were close to me.

It just goes to show - you never know when someone just needs to hear your voice, or see your face, or hear that you care or that you love them. It's the little things that can turn someone's day for the better, or even change their life.

Make sure your loved ones know you're there. You never know when they may need you.