Time vs. Definition vs. Understanding

I live to be busy. I love to be busy. “Busy” is generally how I describe myself. 

It’s like self defense. 

If I am busy, I don’t have to think about things. I don’t have to worry about things. I don’t have to plan new things because I don’t have any time. I don’t have to talk to people if I don’t want to, because I have somewhere else to be. 

But lately, I’ve noticed that being busy means I can’t put my heart and soul into anything. Being busy means I have to turn away some opportunities. Being busy means I don’t get to spend time with all the people I want to. Being busy means I miss out on things - on people - on applications - on deadlines - because I have to work on other deadlines. 

It’s like a win-lose situation and I am not really a fan of it. 

But lately, 

I’ve been un-busy. 

I have time to make plans with people and really talk to them - really observe them and hear what they are going through. But I have also had time to think about myself and talk to and observe myself. I know what I am going through too. And I don’t know if I like that either. 

But I am finding more and more that I don’t know who I am. I have spent my whole life defining myself with my busy-ness and my activities - defining myself with my grades and my study habits - that I have rejected numerous personalities that I wish I was simply because I don’t have the time to try. 

But also, why should I want to be somebody else? Why can’t I be happy with the busy self that I have become? Is it because I don’t know where my boundaries are? I don’t know who I am or what I am doing or where I am headed or if I will even get there? Not really. I know where I want to go. I mean, no I don’t know if I will get there and that is scary, but have thrown myself in to the getting there and I am enthralled by the process and I love it.

But I have let so many people define me and label me and I have adopted those labels, even if they were jokes, and now…I am lost in them. Covered by them, and I am drowning and I am trying to escape. 

I just wish I had the time to research and discover and understand myself. I need more than the random moments that I get, or the random things that I discover that help me know and understand. 

I just don’t know where to begin.