More Than Words: A Paradox

I think death makes us realize two things:
1. Our words are meaningless
2. Our words have far more meaning than we can comprehend

When someone loses a loved one there is nothing you can say that will take a way the pain. There is nothing you can say that will help them cope easier. Nothing you can say that will help them understand why they are feeling, or help you understand what they are feeling. The most you can do is simply be there for them. Let them vent if they need to vent, cry if they need to cry, hug if they need to hug, or sit if they need to sit. It simply takes time and a whole lot of confusion. But eventually, you cope. You get by. But the words of other people - the "I'm Sorry's," the checking in, the consolation - are all simply protocol, simply respectful. They don't mean much beyond that.

But as difficult as it is to find the right thing to say, it is far easier to find the wrong thing to say. At that point in emotional instability, everything connects back to the death or the source of pain. Dates are sensitive - what if it's a birthday? Or a memory? Or an event that they would have attended? Causation of death is sensitive - what if you usually joke about drugs and alcohol, but that was the cause of death? You can't keep asking how a person feels if it is a constant reminder that they feel like shit. You can't make jokes about death, or off h anded comments that you would normally make. Everything you say must be analyzed and filtered depending on how it might affect the one who has lost, and even then, you miss things. You say the wrong thing and it sends them spiraling.

So what do you do? These are things that we never think of. We simply talk, no filter. We know what we can say around our friends, what we can say around our colleagues, and what we can say in public. We tend to be aware of what is appropriate to say in certain situations. But death rolls in and all is lost. We are thrown in to this confusion of how we are to react to certain things, or what we should say to prevent certain reactions.

I think that, ultimately, we are not as aware as we think we are. Death intensifies everything. So, if something affects us after death, it is an intensification of how we would have felt before. But we brush things off, and we bury things. We don't let others see how we are feeling, and we let certain things slide that we should not. It's the only way that we can get through the world without going mad.

My point, then, is also a paradox.
1. Don't sweat it. You can only control so much of what you say, be it necessary or accidental. You will never be able to anticipate every reaction to everything you say, and if it falls badly, be it unintentional, all you can do is apologize and make note not to slip up the same way in the future.
2. Be considerate. Remember that everything you say can affect the people around you in multiple ways. You have the potential to tear a person down simply using words, but it is not something that should be done often or intentionally. Simply recognizing that what you say can cause problems is not enough - the recognition should create a change and an effort to be a better person.

And that goes beyond words. It goes every aspect of life.

Peace and Love.