Little Reminders, Part 2

I received some shocking news a few days ago-

One of my close friends lost her mother, and in an undesired circumstance, not that any death is desired, really. She committed suicide, leaving a husband and two children behind, not to mention the rest of her beloved friends and family.

The whole event got me to thinking -

How fast life can change, how quickly you can lose someone, and how easily we grow apart.

I am so thankful to have my friends and family in my life right now - they do so much for me and I can never thank them enough. And that is just the problem. I don't thank them enough, or say that I love them enough, or keep in touch with them the way I should. I get so caught up in my own life and my own business that I push everything else off to the side. And to think that in one night, all that can change. In one night, my failure to appreciate those around me, I can lose them. In one night I will never get that chance to express my appreciation again. It's scary. Terrifying.

And what a terrible way to be reminded - I wish that I did not happen as it has. That girl has been through so much - every trial imaginable, and somehow she hangs on. She manages to find the strength to get through another day, and I respect her beyond belief. I will never understand her ability to get by. I can barely struggle through my own, seemingly minor issues of stress and worry, let alone the trials that she is dealing with. I could not imagine the pain that she feels.

We have grown so apart in the past year, and I fear that there is little I can do to help her, and that hurts me almost as much as knowing that she is hurting.

I called my own mother multiple times in the past few days, in almost panic. I wanted to be with my family because I didn't want to lose them, but work has been keeping me away. I was stressed about my future - the expensive plans that I have, the preparation I must do, the money I do not have. Those minor things built up with the fear of loss tore me apart and there was nothing I could do but cry on the phone to my mom and talk it out.

It's strange how much the events of one's life can affect your own - how one's sorrows can hurt you so deeply that you feel they are your own, or that you feel they will become your own.

Nonetheless, it has been a roller coaster of a week. I want only to be there for those of my friends who are hurting, and be there fore my family as I miss them, and miss being home, more and more as time goes on. And this is only increased by my friend's loss. Realized because of my friend's loss.

Don't let those close to your heart slip away - don't forget them and don't let them forget you. Don't let them hang unappreciated and unloved, because life is only a short breath is span of things. Time is short and days are short - we have what is here and in front of us and that is all.

Don't wait, and don't let stress and worry and "business" get in your way, or stop you from living and loving. It maybe necessary for a time, but it is not worth it, ever. People are worth it.

Peace and Love.

Little Reminders, Part 1

Inspiration: Christmas Gifts.
And no, it's not the traditional don't be materialistic and selfish at Christmas.

I love giving presents. Not for selfish reasons - I don't want people to feel like they owe me, nor do I think that presents make people happy. But when I can get someone something that I know they are wanting, or that I know will brighten their day, I get it. I just love being able to give that joy and help that person out for just a minute, or just a day, as they enjoy what I gave them. It's not that I want them to think of me or know that I brought them that joy, but more that they have it.

It's the same when I give of my time. I love talking to people, hearing their stories, offering advice, being there when they need something or someone. I like to fix things and heal people, take care of them. It fulfills me in away. Maybe that is a selfish reason to do it, but it doesn't change the feeling. I want to be selfless and care and love. And giving of myself is one way to do so.

I do these things selflessly, and I expect nothing in return. It is taxing at times, but that would never make me change my mind about my decisions.

But sometimes, the exhaustion of always giving and never getting anything back, and I feel that I need something in return. I do not like that feeling, but it is there.

Well, this Christmas, I got that something from my best friend. I helped her through a hard time in her life, and I stuck by her side. I saved her life so she says, and just that knowledge was enough for me. But she felt that she needed to do more. She bought me the most beautiful necklace - a heart with my birthstone, engraved with my name and a quote that we share. I cried when she told me what she meant by it and why she had done it. It made me so happy that I had touched her life that much. But I felt like she had gone so far to thank me - her gift was so wonderful, but so much. I almost felt guilty in receiving it.  And maybe that was my little lesson - my own little "careful what you wish for-"

I love my necklace. It's beautiful, and it reminds me every time I wear it of our friendship and how much we care for one another - what we do and have done for each other.

But I would never expect something like that in return form everyone, or every time. I know that I do not need to see the appreciation to know that I am trying to do good things for people. I know that I have done it, and that recognition or none does not change a thing.

I have received a life time of thanks from just one girl, and I know how blessed I am to have the family and friends that I do, and blessed to know that I can help them and be there for them, and that blessing is all that I need.

Peace and Love

Cute and Thoughtful:

In a perfect world, life wouldn't really be perfect - it would have no meaning and we would have no reason for living. Revel if your troubles and your hardships - take pride in your mistakes. Working through them makes you a better person; working through them makes the world a better place.

http://rainbowloveee.wordpress.com/2010/10/09/in-a-perfect-world/

Life Through This Window: A Response, Part Two

After reading a post from a fellow blogger, I recognized some ideas that I have been toying with, and was joyed to learn that they were commonalities - and that they were understood.


The second piece of this post is something I had been thinking about just the other day. It came in to my head when I was writing about my cynical view of humanity, and how everyone has an ulterior motive for their actions. It really got me thinking about why I try so hard to be someone people turn to - or why I try so hard to be a good person. I always say people are shit and that no one really cares. I say that we make promises to get ahead and that we do things to glorify ourselves. So is this why I write these posts? Am I trying to make it look like I have discovered the way we should be, and the everyone should be like me? It made me hesitant to write what I did and I found myself thinking extra hard about how to word certain things. I do not consider myself to be better than other people - I consciously work to cancel out the idea that people don't care. Just the fact that I have to work at it should say something - I fall right in with everyone else - but I was taught as a child and have developed the knowledge of my wrong-doings, and that is what I want to share with people. But at the same time, it still comes out as if I think that makes me better. So where do I draw the line? How do I describe the way I live my life without placing myself on top? 


The two of us, my fellow blogger and I, have not come to a conclusion to this dilemma. It is an interesting topic to think on, and I feel as if I have simply talked myself in a really big, confusing circle. 


But nevertheless, I will continue to do what I do and I will continue to reach out to people, because somewhere down the line it's working; somewhere down the line I am affecting people, and that's all that matters to me. I don't care about my motivations or the way it is perceived by others - as long as the affect is right on the receiving end. 


It goes back to confidence - don't be afraid to be wrong; don't be afraid of what others think of you. Make a choice and act on it and hope that it takes you where you want to go. 


So far, it is working for me. 

Life Through This Window: A Response, Part One

After reading a post from a fellow blogger, I recognized some ideas that I have been toying with, and was joyed to learn that they were commonalities - and that they were understood.

The first, in his words, is a lesson in facing your emotions, and facing your dilemmas. We cannot move away from our struggles without first looking at them and really seeing and understanding them. With this, I struggle. I bury everything. I hide everything. I try to cover over what I am feeling and what I am dealing with so that I can easier deal with those around me. I put so much energy into other people that I rarely leave any for me, and so I save it. I cover it up and let it decompose on its own, whether or not this is a successful tactic.

But aside from burying for the sake of other people, I simply lack the trust and the confidence to share. As I have previously noted, I have been burned before. I have been trodden on, and kicked around I have been left in the dust to burn. I have been raised to the highest peak, simply to be thrown over the edge. And, at some point, you realize that enough is enough. It takes effort to remove the layers of defenses that I have put up. And to get through them is an accomplishment - should you ever get there, revel in it; don't waste your chances.

And I realize that this is so against everything that I write here. I tell people to get real, to get honest, to get open. I tell people to share and receive, to love and accept; and yet I can only do half of that myself. I can love and accept and give to others, but I will not allow myself to be loved. I wont allow anyone close enough. I get scared and I push them away - and mend the walls that they tore down. I retreat. It never fails.

All this does, though,  is attest to the difficulty about which I write. I never said I preach an easy path to follow. I choose the hard road, and I force myself to work at it every day. I write because I need to think - because I need to organize. I write to prove to myself that I am not a cynic - that I have hope. I write because  I need to read my own lessons, more than I need others to do the same. Sometimes I go back and re-read what I have written, and I make new revelations and learn new lessons - or I remember my purpose and why I began what I did.

I have so far to go, and I am so grateful to share this journey with so many who share these same thoughts and feelings. I am ready and willing to learn with you.

So grab a hand and let's go.

Part two soon to follow.

Just Pass It On

Two of my friends had been dating for..gosh, two or three years it must have been, and their relationship had been on the rocks for a while. Each would come to me and just talk about what he was going through- sometimes they would search for advice, and sometimes they would just want to talk. The least I could do was listen. I tried my best to offer what advice I could - I tried to be objective and realistic, yet comforting - it was difficult to balance. They think and feel so differently from each other, it was easy to get lost in what one was saying to me and lose my middle grounds. I hadn't heard from either of them in a while, until today. I was told that they had broken things off officially, and that, although he wasn't happy now, he knew he could be. He told me he was glad that he felt he could come to me with his problems, and he was glad that I hadn't just told him "everything will work out okay." He also told me that the other felt the same - and that they had shared that they had both come to me. They were so glad that they could both trust me, and that knowing both sides of the story allowed me to offer them everything they needed.

It felt so good to know that I had done that - that I had helped make someone's life that much easier. I try my best to listen to people and to look at their problems and help them as much as I can. It is a rare, but beautiful, day that I can hear back from them and know that things worked out for them. I am thankful for every day that I can be here for another person, every day that I can love someone and help him get by.

And I hope that in time, the love and care I gave to each of them can be passed on to another and another, and that one day, we will all be linked by that same love. Because I know I got my love from someone, and I hope that they feel the same joy I feel when they see that I have passed it on.

I hope one day it reaches you -- Just wait.

A Lesson in Confidence and Failure

"Confidence comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong." Peter T. McIntyre

This is something which which I struggle daily, and I am sure many out there do. When one lacks confidence, it is often something we consider to be a "lonely" emotion - It always seems, to me at least, that everyone else is already confident, and I am the only one working for it. But this is not the truth. The truth is that we all lack confidence, be it every day, every once in a while, or just at one point in our lives. We have all felt afraid - scared to put ourselves out there, scared of ridicule, scared of scolding, scared of exile. 

But this universal fear is not something to revel in. We should not be happy that we are not alone in our lack of confidence. Why do we live in such a world that we should be afraid to be who we are? I you are afraid of what others think, and afraid of being wrong, why would you give someone else a reason to have that same fear? 

Instead, we should be open, loving, and accepting to all that is around us. We shouldn't care if someone is different, or if we don't agree with how they are. We can still love them. Differences are what keep us interesting. They are exciting and new, and we should cherish them. 

But, alas, not all people see the world in this way. Many people still judge and hate; and even those who have vowed acceptance still slip up - we still laugh and gossip. It is an easy fault. And so, in this harsh society, how does one abandon his fear of being wrong?

The answer, quite simply, is he doesn't. He cannot abandon it - it is one makes him who he is - but he can overcome it. That is the key. When one accepts that not everyone will like him, and that others are just as afraid as he is, then he will be able to step over his own fears and take the lead. If you are wrong, you are wrong, so you make another attempt and you start again. It's like the age old saying which we all seem to disregard: Live and Learn. We all make mistakes, accept it, learn from it, and move on. Should someone criticize you, take what they have to say to heart and make a change. 

Now, all this is not to say that finding confidence is an easy task. As I said, I struggle every day. I find each day that I have an easier time forgetting and ignoring what others might think, but I still know that the fear is there. There are some things that I am still unable to do. But I have faith that I will get there. 

I was in the office of a professor, discussing theatrical politics. I said I was afraid that people would think worse of me based on the decisions that I make and the actions that I execute. And do you know what he told me? He said: It's tough. I still struggle every day. I worry about the enemies that I might make, but you have to understand that the people don't matter. You are not in this business to make friends. You are in this business to do what you love and to do it well. So someone doesn't like you? So what? You don't need him anyway, because, odds are, someone out there doesn't like him either, and he has already moved on. It's tough, and I'm still getting there. 

How much more honest could he be? He is 40, maybe 50, and he still admits to his fears and to his lack of confidence. But he cared enough to disclose his heart to me. If he made a wrong decision, he learned from it, because he is where he is today. Something worked out for him whether or not he had wrong decisions along the way. 

So, take a risk. Who cares? What's the worst that could happen? You have to try again? It's easy to do things you know you can do, but you learn so much less from those tasks. 

In the words of Samuel Beckett, "Ever tried, ever failed; no matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."

Do not fear being wrong - embrace it, learn from it.