The Future, 2.0

Well.

A lot of new and exciting things have been going on around here - a lot of new commitments, new paths, new opportunities, new honors - it's been pretty incredible.

Not that I am trying to brag. It could be as detrimental to my wellbeing as it will be a kick-start to my future. So bear with me.

I received the Roberts Fellowship at the University. A year long leadership class, taught by some of the best and brightest there, and also completely paid for. Only 12 students are selected out of the hundreds who qualify for application. This year, they only picked 11. Along with the class, the students must attend various evening lectures, events of fellow students, and an in-depth group service project that will change the lives of those being served. At the end of the year, the class takes a three week trip to Asia, also completely paid for. It is one of the highest honors the University has to offer before graduation.

This is a huge honor as well as a huge commitment. It will take up almost all of my free time that I may have had after theatre hours take their toll. On top of that, a lot of the lectures overlap scheduled rehearsal time. It will be a daunting task two balance the two commitments, but I told the board that I would be able to work it out.

Thinking back on it, I've begun to worry that I can't. I refuse to not try. I refuse to give up my responsibilities in the theatre department because I might not be able to handle it. Those who do not try never succeed. So It might be a semester from hell, but when it's done, I will have survived and become stronger because of it. And if I can't do it, I will sit, think, talk, and admit that I'd made a mistake and took on too much.

There comes a point when you have to begin to say no. There comes a point when all of your commitments and opportunities become a curse rather than a blessing. But what I am hoping is that I have reached max capacity, finally having a reason to say no to everything else, rather than breaching capacity and falling apart.

We shall see.

This will, above everything, be a learning and growing experience for myself. I will find myself somewhere along this road. I will discover my boundaries and my limits - and I will exceed them - go above and beyond them. I will discover my strengths and develop them, and discover my weaknesses and learn yo overcome them.

Never say no to a risk. Risks are what define us, what create us, what help us to grow. Without risk we never change, we only stay the same. Without risk there is no try, and there is no succeed. There is only static.

So. Honor and opportunity? Check. Acceptance? Check. Risk? Check. Scared and Nervous? Check. Excited? Check.

It could bend and break me, but in the end, I will come back stronger and better than before.

Lets do this.

And then there are those random days when the world seems full of love...

"I know you've been going through some not-so-great things lately, but remember that you're beautiful and talented and that you deserve the purest happiness the world has to offer. ~Anonymous 

whoever you are you are an amazing person. Thank you for your kind words. Though I do know this it is amazing to be reminded of it when my life seems to say otherwise.

When was the last time you made someone's day by simply telling them how special they are?

When was the last time you walked down a hallway and just smiled at the people you pass by?

It's the little things. 

'Hurts So Good' and other stories on why we do what we do; Part 2

A while back, I posted the following:

"Don't be afraid to hurt or to feel. It reminds you who you are, and that you are."

And I'd forgotten about it, until now. It's true that we are described by our feelings - both physical and emotional - but they are not all that we are. They do not define us. They accent that which is in our very being - but they do not control us.

They are simply that - reminders.


Sometimes we get lost. We think it's worth it. We forget that we are something beyond our hardship - the hurt and the feelings consume us.

Sometimes we bottle everything up - we try to keep it, and remain blank. We lose the thought and introspection that comes with feeling. We want to be stony faced and strong - because somehow emotion weakens us. It makes us vulnerable.

But somewhere in between the two is reality. We do feel, we do hurt - it's a part of life. We are vulnerable beings - giving in to this vulnerability and trusting those who see it is what makes us stronger.

And this is a lesson that I have yet to grasp and live out.
Trust is one of the hardest trials known to man - to unmask everything at lay it at another's feet.

To fully live, we must accept that we must feel. We must embrace our emotions and let them fill even the darkest corners, without letting them consume and take control, leading to irrationality.

To accept that we feel, we must first trust.

To trust...we must leap, or fall, into something uncertain and unknown.

Instead we often hide. We bottle up, or we let too much go to soon.
When will we learn to stand up on two feet?

'Hurts So Good' and other stories on why we do what we do; Part 1

I've had quite a few people tell me in the past few days their lives are described by songs.

"We exchange ourselves and we do it all the time - why do we do that? Why do I do that?"

"I don't care what people say, the rush is worth the price I pay. I get so high when you're with me."

"I can't breathe but I still fight, while I can fight. As long as the wrong feels rights it's like I'm in flight. High off a love and drunk from the hate."

We express ourselves through these words and depictions daily - sometimes subconsciously - finding meaning in art and  music - in lyrics and poems and other people's stories. Because deep down, these connections mean we're not alone - we're not crazy - someone else is feeling the same way too.

And when you look back on it, these lines - these connections - are not happy. They aren't sunshine and daisies. Because, for some reason, we don't need to justify out gladness. We justify our pain. As if we revel in, though we know it's meant to be undesirable, because it somehow defines us; gives us definition - a darker side. We become shaded and shadowed - more than an outline.

Moreover, we seek out our own demons, keeping them just below the surface. We act on our impulses, no matter how detrimental they may be. And we draw on the pain it all provides.

And then we fight it.

It's a fight we can win - it can put us out on top. Because overcoming pain is honorable and courageous - and we praise courage above all else. We become 3-dimensional.

These words that we rely on help us find these battles, and learn what we need to overcome.

But often, we use the words as a hiding place. Rather than finding our own personal darkness and defeating it with the encouragement that we are not alone, we take comfort in the fact that others are going through the same troubles - it becomes normal; t becomes accepted - a uniqueness strengthened by the fact that it has been written about. It's something special. So why fight it? Why let it go? People go through it all the time - "it's just who I am," we say.

So why do we through ourselves away so easily? Why do we seek normalcy in the things that hurt us most? 

As Communication Fades Away:

"But the reality is that we communicate with every part of our being, and there are times when we must use it all. When someone needs us, he or she needs all of us. There’s no text that can replace a loving touch when someone we love is hurting.

We haven’t lost romance in the digital age, but we may be neglecting it. In doing so, antiquated art forms are taking on new importance. The power of a hand-written letter is greater than ever. It’s personal and deliberate means more than an email or text ever will. It has a unique scent. It requires deciphering. But, most important, it’s flawed There are errors in handwriting, punctuation, grammar, and spelling that show our vulnerability. And vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, “This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more importantly, all that I am not.”

- Ashton Kutcher

*Read the full post here.

I understand now why I was hurting, and why I felt the need to speak my mind. I understand now why I wrote that letter, and why it hurts that it was never sent - that you never read it. I know that I feel all of these things, but they are often unexplainable, and are often accompanied with the feeling of insanity. 

But insanity is often really sanity, masked by the image of modern society, and the expected idea of social normalcy. We all strive for perfect, an unattainable image. We are all crazy. 

It's nice to find some reassurance, some understanding, some repetition of your thoughts in another's words. 

It's the little things we stumble across that give strength through our days. 

Peace and Love. 

Running Away in Love

“A relationship based in love is a constant giving and receiving by each person. You will not lose yourself in a balanced relationship, because the right one for you will also support your needs; it can’t be otherwise.

The key is to pick the right person, and that takes courage. The right person will challenge you. The right person will scare you. The right person will demand the best of you and call you on your inconsistencies. But the right person will also be willing to work through problems when they arise, instead of bailing!”

—

Mastin Kipp, via The Daily Love (via loveisandisnot) I've been on both sides of this. I've been the one running away, but I have also been run out on, and it hurts on either end, truly. But it helps to know that I was escaping something unhealthy - something tearing me apart. I've come to terms with that now, and I have been able to move on and survive. All wounds heal, but it is not the time that heals them. It is the understanding that comes with the time.  Don't be afraid to hurt or to feel - it reminds you who you are, and that you are. It all means something in the end.

Time vs. Definition vs. Understanding

I live to be busy. I love to be busy. “Busy” is generally how I describe myself. 

It’s like self defense. 

If I am busy, I don’t have to think about things. I don’t have to worry about things. I don’t have to plan new things because I don’t have any time. I don’t have to talk to people if I don’t want to, because I have somewhere else to be. 

But lately, I’ve noticed that being busy means I can’t put my heart and soul into anything. Being busy means I have to turn away some opportunities. Being busy means I don’t get to spend time with all the people I want to. Being busy means I miss out on things - on people - on applications - on deadlines - because I have to work on other deadlines. 

It’s like a win-lose situation and I am not really a fan of it. 

But lately, 

I’ve been un-busy. 

I have time to make plans with people and really talk to them - really observe them and hear what they are going through. But I have also had time to think about myself and talk to and observe myself. I know what I am going through too. And I don’t know if I like that either. 

But I am finding more and more that I don’t know who I am. I have spent my whole life defining myself with my busy-ness and my activities - defining myself with my grades and my study habits - that I have rejected numerous personalities that I wish I was simply because I don’t have the time to try. 

But also, why should I want to be somebody else? Why can’t I be happy with the busy self that I have become? Is it because I don’t know where my boundaries are? I don’t know who I am or what I am doing or where I am headed or if I will even get there? Not really. I know where I want to go. I mean, no I don’t know if I will get there and that is scary, but have thrown myself in to the getting there and I am enthralled by the process and I love it.

But I have let so many people define me and label me and I have adopted those labels, even if they were jokes, and now…I am lost in them. Covered by them, and I am drowning and I am trying to escape. 

I just wish I had the time to research and discover and understand myself. I need more than the random moments that I get, or the random things that I discover that help me know and understand. 

I just don’t know where to begin.