Connecting on a Human Level

I've realized in the past few weeks that I have become disconnected - I have lost touch. I have not lost touch with the world or lost touch with reality, but lost touch with people and human emotion.

I like to help people. I really, really care about people. I want what is best for them. I want to help them and guide them and be there for them. I want to see them happy. I want this for everyone, but I want this most for those who are the closest to me.

I used to fall for people who were struggling; who were hurting; who needed support. I used to know what to say - or what not to say. I used to be able to listen, to analyze objectively and develop advice (whether or not it was given - sometimes advice is not what is needed most), to respond with true, deep, empathetic emotions. I could feel people - feel what they were feeling. I could connect with people, and I loved them deeply.

I've struggled with this form of connection lately.  It is not that I have become careless with my words. I still think about reactions - I am aware of the affect my words may have and how they might be interpreted. But my conclusions seem to miss the boat and the effects are disastrous.

I was talking to my mom a week or so ago and she was explaining how she was feeling after her recent divorce. She was telling me how she didn't trust anyone anymore - how she thought her friends, and even her daughters - my sister and me - were always lying to her when we said we wanted to come over, or that we loved her. She continued with some other topics explaining how she was feeling and what she was going through, and I was completely at loss for what to do, say, or feel. Perhaps it is because the conversation hit very close to home, but I think there is something more. I cannot seem to find that place where I can sense the other person. I can't feel what they are feeling or know how to provide what they need. I never contributed anything to the conversation with my mom, and we parted on a very down note. I think she was reaching for something and I couldn't help her.

I think I noticed this change a year or two ago, but I didn't know what it was. I called it a conflict of personalities - a disconnection not because of my inability to feel and respond, but because of a lack of compatibility for communication types and emotional processes. Really, that was just a way of schluffing the blame off on both of us instead of just me.

But, in the last few months, I've gone through a similar disconnect that made the problem much more clear.

I met someone a few months ago - many months ago - and I entered in to a form of relationship knowing that it would be a connection that required effort and attention; it was going to be a commitment. I couldn't just toy with this person while I tried to find myself or figure out my path. But for some reason it was worth it to me - I wanted it to work and I poured everything I had in to this relationship. It didn't mater that I was 10,000 miles away - literally on the other side of the world - for most of the time that we were talking. I tried to be close, supportive, and loving - I tried to have a human connection. But in all of my trying, I forgot to feel. I was connected - I was invested - I cared deeply. But I wanted to look at every situation and find the answers. I wanted to be perfect and say perfect things. I wanted, deep down, subconsciously, to be the savior. But I was dealing with a person. And people aren't jobs. I had completely and entirely missed the point. My desire to be everything that I was not meant to be drove us apart. I wasn't helping - I was hurting; damaging; destroying. There was a chasm between us and it was only growing.

Of course, I did not realize this then. It has taken me quite a few weeks to look back and understand what I was doing - and to realize that this was not the first time that I had done it. Where did I lose my ability to simply be human? Where did I lose my love of humanity - my love of raw emotion and honesty - to replace it with a love of personal perfection and vanity? Where did I lose my ability to feel and connect to those around me and really understand and provide for them? When did I become so closed?

I feel as if I am missing a piece of myself - as if, if I cannot connect to others I cannot possibly connect with myself - and that makes me very, very lost.

Perhaps it is the other way around, though. That I can no longer connect to myself and can thus no longer connect with others. I think that is the ticket, really. I have been through so much in the last few years that I have completely blocked off anything real. I think I desire perfect human connections not only because I am used to having them with others in the past, but also because I am missing my own personal connection. And I am not so sure that realizing that, or admitting it, will get me any closer to a solution.

I'm not really sure where to proceed to, actually. I'm not really sure what my point was with this, either. Other than to ramble and sort things out for myself. Perhaps you can find some meaning in it, some advice or guidance. Perhaps you can relate. But perhaps you cannot and can simply see my confusion and detachment for what it is. Whatever be the case, it is what it is and life goes on.

Until better thoughts pour in to my head,

Peace and love.

Meaning. Back-listed Drafts from Days Past, Part 1.

Everything in life has meaning, has a purpose.

You are alive today because you still have time left, you're not finished yet. You missed your bus and took a different route to avoid one thing, or to put you in the path of another. You met that girl because you need each other.  

Everything in life happens for a reason. 

That's not to say that there is this great plan for the universe and we are just playing  pieces, or that we should completely write off bad things that happen to us because of the meaning they hold. Reason does not simply fall in to our laps. We must instead remain open and aware of possibility. 

Sometimes things happen and we get carried away. 

We get an opportunity for a job and we take it out of excitement without considering the implications. 

We get in a fight and we say things we don't mean out of anger, or we react before we know what's going on. 

I know, I've done it.

Remembering reason makes me think. Makes me analyze. Maybe it has its set backs: sometimes I over analyze or over think things. Sometimes I get lost in meaning and I can't function with what is really happening. But more often than not, I am rewarded with a strong sense of acceptance and understanding in my relationships with others and with where I am at in my life. I can recognize the bad portions, but I can also find the light to pull me through. I'm not ignoring them or saying they are unimportant, simply nullifying their effect on me; finding the beauty that is inherent in all things. 

Where is Your Heart, Really?

A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. ~Dave Barry 

Have you ever wondered what motivates people? Once you start thinking about it you won't be able to stop analyzing.

I was at work today running A/V for the orientation programs getting ready for one of the last events of the day - a talk from a university higher-up and part time professor to the incoming freshmen. It was supposed to be a really easy session - just a power point, no microphones, no videos, no music. Just a guy talking one on one with the students. Honest-like. It seemed like it would be pretty cool.

On my way to the theatre, I got a beautifully composed message from a friend updating me about her work with middle-schoolers on a reservation. She's been there for a few days teaching programming and animation trying to develop interest early so the kids stay in school. I can tell simply from the updates that she is there purely because she cares about her field, the students, and the reservation. It's refreshing to read something like that - to observe someone at work with what she loves and making a difference just because she can. I have so much respect for her.

The joy I found in that message and the news it brought to me was almost immediately shattered at the theatre.

Although we'd though the lights and projector were on and ready to go, they were not. Although I was there 15 minutes early in case work still needed to be done (which it clearly did) I was confronted by a student orientation leader and told I was late and that the speaker had already gone to the event center office to page A/V and complain that things weren't ready for  him. I was given a stern phrase or two about my unpreparedness in place of a greeting and introduction. Needless to say, I got right to work. It took me five minutes, if that, and each minute I was prompted by the speaker with the items that were left. But as soon as the students sat down, the demeanor changed - a quiet, relaxed voice talking to the students about the things they should focus on for the upcoming semester. It was as if he speaking in order to get the special treatment; because he could flaunt his importance and gain reassurance of his status; recognition for how advanced he was. It seemed so false.

As I reflect on the people that I know and the work that they do, I can continue to make these contrasts and comparisons. I can see motivation in interactions. I can see who is jaded and who still cares.

I don't want to become jaded, callous, or pompous. I want to be genuine. I want to love what I do.

I hope I don't lose sight of that. 

Time Capsule-Esque

I was cleaning today (my SM Kit, specifically) and I found an old notebook. I must have been using it to blog when I didn't have internet because there were a few drafts scribbled on the opening pages. But if you skip forward a bit, I simply began writing quotes. They're good quotes. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote them, but they were worth it. Some of them were things I really needed to stumble across today. Past me must have been really intuitive.

Here are a few for you to ponder:

"But listen, nothing ever comes to you entirely clean, and if you walk away from everything once it gets a little tarnished, you'll always be walking away." The Busy World is Hushed

"I wonder if you've already decided what you're going to do and you're just picking this fight to make things easier for yourself." The Busy World is Hushed

"What mattered was sleeping next to someone. Do you know what I mean? Knowing someone, another human being in the bed, in the room, in the dark, there with you." The Eros Trilogy

"And I was so happy because I was so lucky. Not because I had found someone who love - two people - who loved me...but because I have been able to love them - two people, three, four, in this lifetime. I'm so lucky." The Eros Trilogy

Being miserable doesn't make you better off that anyone else, House, it just makes you miserable." House

Peace and Love.

Ready. Reset. Restart.

Time to start blogging again. It's been ages, I know. But so much has been going on. I've been so busy. There has simply been no time.

That's a terrible excuse, by the way.

I read an essay - a speech, actually - from William Deresiewicz to the plebe class at the United States Military Academy at Westpoint in 2009. It was all about Solitude and Leadership (found here). It was about always finding the time to sit and think and really get to know yourself - in the midst of the rush and rumble and the demands of life, just stop and listen inside instead of outside. If you don't do that, you lose yourself in everything else.

I've been doing that. Losing myself. Blogging used to help me sit and think and get things straight and I let that go. So I could do more, be more, create more...go farther. And I think I hindered myself in the end.

Luckily, with a leadership program at the university, I was required to sit and reflect on things throughout the course of the class. Sometimes I slacked on it, sometimes I rushed it, and sometimes I really thought about it. Either way, it challenged me to keep thinking. Those thoughts can be found here. They may not have been the same as what I do here, but it was at least something. When I got really busy, I didn't journal. I didn't do my leadership assignments. I put them off until the end. And I again hindered myself. I don't think I got as much out of that portion of the program. Clearly, I need the little something.  I need the thinking that writing brings to me.

So much has happened and changed since I stopped blogging. I wish so much that I had been writing through then in order to keep things together. I learned so much and I grew so much and I had so much to share. It would have been so good.

Regardless, I want to start again now. Perhaps I will take a new direction with this. Perhaps I will continue to attempt to be insightful and scholarly. Who knows. But I will keep thinking, I promise.

Come think with me.

Peace and Love.