Relearning How to Share:

This project is slowly becoming more that I originally planned it to be, and hitting a lot deeper than I ever meant it to. Things keep happening and keep pushing on my thoughts for the world - breaking down my optimism. As I look at the pain that I see in the world, and I learn about the shit that happens, it's not that I become cynical, but that I learn. I learn that a smile can clear someone's day because odds are, they weren't having a good one in the first place. I learn that people lie, cheat, and steal not because the world is a bad place and humanity has lost its childhood, but because we teach them to be that way. We teach people not to learn and we set them up for disaster. Instead of looking at the world and contradicting it with a smile, look at the world and really see. Really see the pain, the truth, the happiness, the lies, everything. Learn. And then teach. Protect someone from something that you couldn't be saved from. Help someone through something that you had to endure alone. Open a door for someone that you had trouble opening yourself. Life is filled with experiences that we can learn from and that we can share just as much as it is filled with pain and damage the likes of which we never want to experience. But if we constantly shove everything aside and bury it; if we live as if we are as perfect as we are expected to be; then we never learn. We never grow from our experiences and we are condemning others to the same fate we suffered, and where does that get us?

Nowhere.

The last few days have been filled with learning experiences such as these. Not in my own life, and not in ways that directly affect myself, but they hit pretty damn close to home. Almost too close for comfort.

Recently I learned that a friend of mine blames herself for the death of a loved one because she let her anger get the best of her and used one of man's most dangerous and vicious weapons: Truth and Words.

And this made me think. Why do we trust other people? Why would you ever give someone that much power over you? Why would you tell them your deepest, darkest secrets, if only so they can spit them right back in your face. But at the same time, how else do you show that you love someone? What better way to prove your connection than to put such utter faith and trust into a person as to let them so deep into your soul that they can light the very dustiest of corners? But how do you protect yourself once someone has been let in? How do you ensure your secrets, and your life, from complete disruption and pain when that trust is broken?

The answer is: you can't. You can never be certain that nothing will happen. So how do we learn that this fear is normal, and that it's a risk we just naturally take? Where would we be without guidance and experience. Without someone who has been hurt, where would you learn the signs of untrustworthiness? When would you learn who not to trust and when not to have faith? We need each other, and we need this openness to spread knowledge and to save our loved ones from pain that we would much rather they not have to endure.

Recently I learned that two of my friends were almost raped. One was during work function. The guest decided that he could have his way with her, and although he did not succeed with his act, she felt obligated to keep in contact with him. Sex him, give him phone sex, all for the sake of everyone else. Friends, work, everything, because the guy was so successful and held so much sway with the department. The second was between friends. The guy justified himself by saying he was teaching her what it would be like if it happened with her boyfriend. She said no and he didn't listen. She was about to see him tonight - alone - and put herself back into a situation where it could happen again, and this time for real. She justified going because she had to be there for him; because they understood each other on things like pain and suicide and life, and that if she didn't help him he was going to kill himself. So she was going to sacrifice her body, and possibly her life if not just her mental stability, so that this guy could be happy with himself. Because they understood each other, apparently.

My question is this: What makes a person care so little for themselves, or so much for other people, that they are willing to sacrifice everything to keep the others in tact? When does caring about yourself and your own well being become selfish? And what makes a human being want to put someone else in that situation - what powers that drive to force yourself on someone else? Why would you ever want to hurt someone like that?

I've heard the first point justified by religion - partially through sermons and scriptural inference, and partially ringing through my own head based on what I have been taught religiously. Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross to save the world - he gave up his life, and God gave up his son, so that humanity could be saved from sin. And christians are taught that they are to follow in Jesus' footsteps - take every step and breathe every breath as him. So these girls were sacrificing themselves to be good people - as if not giving themselves up would have been sinful. But isn't the guy in the wrong? Isn't the guy the one who committed the crime, and then one who was sinning? But, how could we forget, Jesus dined with the sinners. He loved them as he loved everyone else.

And yes, this is such a beautiful thought, that someone could be so caring and love so unconditionally that they would sacrifice everything for everyone else. In a perfect world, when everyone sacrificed themselves for one another, everyone would be taken care of; Everyone would be saved. But that is not the way the world works. IF you give up everything about yourself to the point where you are willing to give up your life, you are going lose in the end, and you are going to get hurt.

So when do we teach children that selflessness is only good to an extent? When do we teach children that it's okay to want for yourself sometimes. When do those lessons not lead to greed? How do we control human nature and all win in the end?

The answer is that we can't. And that brings us full circle back to trust. But how do you trust that everyone is going to watch your back if you watch theirs?

Where will people learn these things and ponder these thoughts if we lock up every time we get hurt? How can we let people make their own mistakes if we've been damaged beyond repair through that exact same process? We need to re-learn how to share, and we need to teach and learn the lessons that life throws at us.

Being a good person will only get you so far. You need some sense of identity and some self worth in order to care for yourself in return, because odds are, no one else will. And you need the support of those around you to teach you the hard lessons before you learn them yourself, to save you a few scars a long the way. And by all means, return the favor. Share your scars and your pains so that others don't have to receive their own.

We all need each other, and we can only hope that all our needs will be fulfilled.

Live.
Learn.
Love.

Peace.

It's The Little Things:

Today, as I walked out of my dorm, still pondering the news I had read; still considering my thoughts about it, I looked up to see the school's rock. It had been painted in a rainbow pattern with the words "We the People" stamped across it. What better day than today?

It gave me a little hope for the world.

Peace and Love.

¿Dónde Está el Amor?

Today I read a disturbing piece of news - it's not that I wasn't aware of the struggle; that I am oblivious; it's just that the story was finally put in front of me and I couldn't ignore it anymore.

Constance McMillen is a lesbian student at Itawamba High School in Mississippi. She said she was going to bring her girlfriend to prom and wear a tuxedo, and as a result, the dance was canceled and moved to a new location - a change that Constance was not warned about. She sued the school and won the case.

Human Rights Campaign used this case to promote the Student Anti-Discrimination Act that is going before congress. I try to stay up to date on LGTB news, and so, got the email about this. I went straight to the HRC Action page and sent letters to the congress members and senators for my area. It was all I felt I could do. I always feel like I am too busy to do more than push legislation - I'm not even a part of our campus GSA - however, that may change in the future.

Anyway, QueerUninty posted a tweet about an update in the Constance scandal: Westboro Baptist Church is planning to picket the graduation ceremony for Itawamba High School.

Why?

Well, they support their argument with the Bible, which says that it is an abomination for "man to lay with mankind, as womankind." They also say that children have learned that they can live their lives in sin and still get in to Heaven, and that God has no standards. Worse, they continue to say that God does not, in fact, love everyone.

I was thrown for a loop, confused, sickened. Everything. Isn't that the most integral part of the Christian religion? That God loves with Agape Love - the unconditional, non-judgmental, unending love - love with open arms? Even if you are in disagreement with someone, I was taught, you still accept them. Let people have their beliefs and live their lives. If you think they are wrong, let them make their own mistakes, but still love them. Be there to catch them if they fall. If you are a Christian, pray for them. But don't hate and shun them. Hatred gets the world nowhere. Hatred sends the world on a downward spiral to disagreement, argument, death, pain, and sorrow. How can people who call themselves Christians be filled with so much hate?

Today's Truth: History does repeat itself. Maybe now we can open our eyes; our ears; our hearts; our minds; and learn. We don't need another Holocaust.

Love someone today.

Crayola Calm:

It's funny how, in our stress for exams, we revert back to our childhood. We get our little box of Crayola Crayons and our packages of colored pencils and we draw. We doodle on our notes, we make pretty signs and write notes to our friends. Anything but focus on the up-coming week. The simplicity of little colored pieces of wax and pretty pictures takes our minds off of life and everything that's difficult.

My parents sent me a "care package" today - one of the generic ones that are mailed through the schools's housing office. It was the "exam stress" package, and along with the fruits and the snacks was a little bucket of toys. A geometric puzzle, a tub of play-doh, beach balls, cards, bubbles. All the things that kids would pull out of their toy boxes when they're bored. And I flipped. I was so excited. My roommate got the same thing and she was just as excited. We sat down and compared our toys and played with them.

It makes me think of the parties we have in college - not the crazy house parties, but the ones when boredom sets in and you just start inviting people over. And what do you get out? Board games. Sorry!, Trouble, Monopoly, Candy Land. The fun games that amused us through indoor recess and rainy days.

But there are always the people who roll their eyes - they wont pick up the crayons or indulge in the immaturity of board games, or run free during a game of tag. But why? Why not let go and just play. Why not laugh with your friends and let your life go? Your life isn't going anywhere - all the stress - the homework and bills, the phone calls - will be there when you get back. Why do we feel like all of the joys of childhood must stop after a certain age, an age when we become "too cool" for them?

Bring joy to someone today - Color them a picture, give them a silly grin. 

Tag!

You're it.

Las Puertas Abiertas:

Lately I've been worried about getting a job. Probably the most un-childish fear. There is no innocence or naivety in that. I need to pay my rent and pay my bills; eat for the summer. It's going to be tough. I was hired with the summer orientations for the school, but it's only ten days for the whole summer. Definitely not enough to cover all of my expenses. I got a job at Victoria's Secret a while ago. But I couldn't make the training day because One for the Pot was still running and the show time was the same. The manager said she would call me back with another training day but as of today, I hadn't heard from her. I was beginning to worry I'd been replaced. I had an interview with the school's English Language Program last week. I think it went pretty well - the two interviewers seemed to love my personality and like all the answers I gave. It helped that I am a Spanish minor, so working with International Students would be a good experience. However, they said I would know for sure by this week. I checked on Wednesday, but they hadn't made their decision yet. I had begun to worry that I wouldn't get the job, that Victoria's Secret would replace me for waiting too long to talk to them, and that I would be left with only the orientations. There would be no way I was going to make it through the summer.

Today, my professor had me walk with him down to the campus store before class. He was the director of One for the Pot, so I had spent six weeks working closely with him both in and outside of class and he knows me very well. We just talked about nothing for most of the time, but on the way back, he mentioned a job at the local Antique shop. Two other theatre students had held jobs there and were let go. Everyone says the owners are crazy. But he told me that those students didn't follow the simple rules set out for them, or just didn't show up. He said they were looking for a responsible student to fill a weekend position there - 16 hours a week at 7.50 an hour. It wasn't a whole lot, but if all my other positions fell through, it would at least be enough to get me through the summer. It was such a relief to know that I at least had that option.

Then, while shopping with my roommates, I got a call from Victoria's Secret. They were planning a second training day and they realized that I still needed to get my paperwork done and be trained. I was scheduled for Tuesday, May 4th, and now I know that won't lose that position. Another solidified option to get me through my summer.

Right when I was beginning to worry and fear my future, when I was ready to start looking again and ask my parents to front me next month's rent, things came through. Call it fate, God, the right path, whatever, something worked out and now I know I don't have to worry. I can go back to laughter. I can go back to focusing on my up-coming finals and my work in the theater. It's such a relief to know that I once again have options.

Peace and Love.

Pensamientos Positivos a una Querida:

"I am over this whole school thing. & guys. I'm over guys. & caring. If I could be over having feelings, I'd be there, too."

Today I had the opportunity to, with a few simple words, bring a smile to a face that was without one. These words came from a friend of mine, having a bad day and going through a tough time. I responded,

"Really? You would rather feel nothing? What about all the good things that happen in life?"

What about the love of a friend, the closeness of a hug, the warmth of the sun, grass on your feet, the way you feel when you run in to an old friend, when you look great. 

What about the little things? That joke that someone told that was so stupid it was funny? The time you aced that paper that you wrote in a half an hour? That day that you had free time for the first time in months? What about the mornings you wake up breathing and healthy? What about the times in those relationships that were really good - the memories that you may not be okay with now, but you want to remember later? What about the support of a family that gives you a rough time, but will be there for you through thick and thin? What about those days you come away from class thinking, wow, I really learned something today. What about the rest of your life?

My short little comment was returned with the statement,

"Your optimism has stumped my cynicism. It made me smile."

Because in the end, the optimism is always there, and it can always bring you back home; bring you back to reality and back into a life worth living. Optimism is a good thing, sometimes you just need help finding it.

Happy smiling.

Buenos días, mis queridos:

The topic for today is braids. I put my hair in braids last night, so I could curl it in the morning. I aways feel cute with the twin braids bounding in my hair, keeping it out of my face. It is a style associated with children, and seem to represent the innocence of youth; the laughter and the playfulness. taking my braids out in the morning and watching my hair transform from childish to smooth curs, I thought of society and how it changes people. They forget how to laugh and play and they learn how to make money and conform to the masses. Children lose their imagination and creativity when they are socialized.

And why? Why suppress laughter? In the words of EE Cummings, "the most wasted day of all is one without laughter." We need the laughter and the playful attitude to keep our spirits up.

So, I challenge you to go out and play; laugh; and be a child. Bring to the world the same joy that children see in every moment of their lives. Laugh today; Smile; and see who smiles back.

Cogito Ergo Sum:

A simple phrase. In Latin, it means "I think therefore I am," originally used by René Descartes. This phrase represents the most important point of my words: the simple thoughts of one person, in passing of a crazy world. Existence is defined by by the thoughts and without them, the world would be lost in its problems. The people define the world and the thoughts define the people. So, think positively and live to shape the world for the better.