I had an interesting chat with a friend the other day. We were discussing new apartments and dorms, and where we wanted to be in the next year. I am already looking into apartments in this complex after I get off campus in May. I mean, as much as I love being on campus and being a part of everything, I want that place that can be mine. I have a turtle and a bunch of furniture and a bunch of things that I want with me, that I can't have on campus. The turtle is against the rules. The furniture is just a hassle to move when I am not at a more permanent residence. My friend stated that she liked the campus housing - less worries, it was spacious, it was close to everything. And who cares if it isn't permanent? We are just getting through the transitioning years of college before we establish ourselves. And I guess I'd never thought about it like that. Why do my furniture and my things define me and my space? And it's not that I am being materialistic. Or at least, I don't feel like I am. I miss my animals, and I miss my bookshelves and knowing that when I come home, everything will be there. And all my mail will be coming to the same place. I want that..solidity. The confirmation. The assurance. I want to know that the place is mine and I belong there. Whereas my friend is defined more by the things that she is doing and the people that she is with.
These too view points had me thinking - is there really a right or a wrong, or a better way? Is it materialistic to want the assurance of personal space, or is it insecurity that defines us by our friends and actions? I love my friends and I love my work at the school. But I like coming home and having a place of my own. I like not having rules, and I like being able to get away. And I don't know that any of this wondering even has a point.
I guess, I just feel lost in the moving and the changing of everything. I don't live at home anymore. I have some stuff there, stored until I can come back and get it. I visit occasionally for a few days. I did live on campus for the first year of school, but it wasn't my home. It wasn't permanent. My friends were in other rooms and I never felt comfortable just hanging out there. I wanted to be out and about or at other people's places. I guess I never paid attention as to those people seemed to have adapted to their new homes, or if the impermanence of it all affected them. I mean, we were kicked out at breaks. We had to go back. Then I lived in this apartment for the summer. But I was only sub-leasing. My furniture wasn't in the apartment, my dishes weren't in the cabinet. I didn't decided what services we got. I just paid my bills and had my things in my room. I didn't invest in anything for an apartment, because I knew I was just going to be moving in a month or two. And now I am back on campus. In upper class dorms, though. And we are allowed to stay at breaks. But it still doesn't have that feeling of permanence. My roommates all seem to have utilities and "things" taken care of. We are stocked. Everything I bring seems as though it will just be for me. And most of the furniture is already supplied. But there is no guarantee that we can stay there for the summer, or the nest year. We have it for 7 months and that's it. So why bother stocking it with my things? Why change my address? I'm going to be back on the streets in a few months anyway. I mean, all my important stuff still goes to my home address because it will be there for a while, and my parent's just forward it to me.
So in the end, where do I belong? Where is my home? My life is here, with my school and my friends and my experiences. But feel as though I can't take root. I don't want to be here forever. Just to get through school, I guess. But why shouldn't I want that feel of stability and permanence? At least for the last two years, if anything. Just that can make it worth it, I feel. Instead of two years of jumping and moving and changing.
I just want to belong.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
A Lesson in Appreciation
Have you ever wanted something so much that you just fed your whole life in to it? Have you just wanted to be a part of something so much that it became an obsession; a definition? Have you ever wanted to be there for someone so much that you lost yourself?
I have.
And let me tell you, it is a long, scary, difficult road, and it does not end with your desired outcome. It ends in loss.
I met someone, and for some reason we connected. Not on a relationship level or anything, but just a connection. I instantly knew that I wanted to be her friend, and she, for some reason unknown to me, she confided in me from the start. We would just talk- about everything- and it was nice to known that I always had that friend there for me, and I was always there for her. It's exactly what anyone would want in a friendship, right? Only not really. I mean we talked about everything but the actual camaraderie of friendship was only occasional. And, because of that connection that I felt, I put everything into this friendship. I tried so hard to just be something to her, that I lost who I was on my own. I had no idea who I was anymore. I was just this girl who was always talking to this other girl, and who disconnected herself from everyone else- from people who were also there for me as much, if not more, than in this other relationship. And all of this trying, all of this effort, sort of blew up in my face. I was so frustrated with not knowing who I was that I attacked the friendship itself instead of addressing the real problem. And now I have lost it completely, at least for the time being, if not forever.
So positive, right? I know, I know, not really. But trust me, there is a point to this.
The good part is the lesson. If you've taken anything from my posts, please let it be that there is a lesson in each and every event that happens in our lives. From this experience, I have learned how easy it is to get lost in this huge, crazy world that we live in. We get so caught up in facebook and twitter, youtube and tumblr, blog sites. Everything we do is open to social networking and we are never without connections. You can access the web on your phone, on your home computer, on your laptop, you can text to the internet. People text constantly and talk constantly. You no longer have to focus on one thing, or one person, at a time. And with so much going on, how do you find time for yourself? How do you get to know your own personality and your own choices if you are always so absorbed in everyone else? The answer is that you have to make time. When I went through this whole fiasco, and realized how lost I was, I took a break from the internet; or really, just social networking sites. I took a break for two reasons. The first was that I didn't want to see or hear from my friend, because it stressed me out and it still hurt a lot. But the second, more important reason, was that I needed time to think. I needed to find myself again, and find what I enjoy and what I like to do without the internet. I needed to know that I am still content and still happy with myself and with my life without the influence of other people. And, thankfully, the answer is yes. I am so happy, and so lucky. I have so much going for me in the world, and such good friends that I may not have been paying much attention to. And I found them again. The last few days, after I came to terms with what I have been going through, have been the best few days of my life.
I have also learned that we must accept what we do, and do not, have. I wanted so much from this relationship, and had such high expectation for it, that I was continually hurt or disappointed when they were not met. And I put everything I had into something that didn't really exist in the first place, at least, in the way that I wanted it to. Had I simply taken a step back and looked at what I had to work with, I may have been more content with the relationship; I may have had better control over how much time and energy I invested into this friendship; and I may have kept a better handle on myself. But instead, I got carried away with a connection; an intrigue; a dream of what I wanted, and I let that get the best of me. We, as vulnerable and delicate beings, need to be careful with ourselves and our minds, and we need to keep a firm grasp on what we have and what we should be thankful for. Although what is in our possession may not be exactly what we want, it is still something, and it is still huge for us. If we are content and are able to work with what we have, we will be so much better off than if we are always wanting more. And that applies to more than just the relationships in our lives, although those are great places to begin with this frame of mind.
Take a step back today, and thank your friends for being who they are, and appreciate them just they way they are. You need nothing more and nothing less than what you've got. You just have to realize its potential.
Peace and Love.
I have.
And let me tell you, it is a long, scary, difficult road, and it does not end with your desired outcome. It ends in loss.
I met someone, and for some reason we connected. Not on a relationship level or anything, but just a connection. I instantly knew that I wanted to be her friend, and she, for some reason unknown to me, she confided in me from the start. We would just talk- about everything- and it was nice to known that I always had that friend there for me, and I was always there for her. It's exactly what anyone would want in a friendship, right? Only not really. I mean we talked about everything but the actual camaraderie of friendship was only occasional. And, because of that connection that I felt, I put everything into this friendship. I tried so hard to just be something to her, that I lost who I was on my own. I had no idea who I was anymore. I was just this girl who was always talking to this other girl, and who disconnected herself from everyone else- from people who were also there for me as much, if not more, than in this other relationship. And all of this trying, all of this effort, sort of blew up in my face. I was so frustrated with not knowing who I was that I attacked the friendship itself instead of addressing the real problem. And now I have lost it completely, at least for the time being, if not forever.
So positive, right? I know, I know, not really. But trust me, there is a point to this.
The good part is the lesson. If you've taken anything from my posts, please let it be that there is a lesson in each and every event that happens in our lives. From this experience, I have learned how easy it is to get lost in this huge, crazy world that we live in. We get so caught up in facebook and twitter, youtube and tumblr, blog sites. Everything we do is open to social networking and we are never without connections. You can access the web on your phone, on your home computer, on your laptop, you can text to the internet. People text constantly and talk constantly. You no longer have to focus on one thing, or one person, at a time. And with so much going on, how do you find time for yourself? How do you get to know your own personality and your own choices if you are always so absorbed in everyone else? The answer is that you have to make time. When I went through this whole fiasco, and realized how lost I was, I took a break from the internet; or really, just social networking sites. I took a break for two reasons. The first was that I didn't want to see or hear from my friend, because it stressed me out and it still hurt a lot. But the second, more important reason, was that I needed time to think. I needed to find myself again, and find what I enjoy and what I like to do without the internet. I needed to know that I am still content and still happy with myself and with my life without the influence of other people. And, thankfully, the answer is yes. I am so happy, and so lucky. I have so much going for me in the world, and such good friends that I may not have been paying much attention to. And I found them again. The last few days, after I came to terms with what I have been going through, have been the best few days of my life.
I have also learned that we must accept what we do, and do not, have. I wanted so much from this relationship, and had such high expectation for it, that I was continually hurt or disappointed when they were not met. And I put everything I had into something that didn't really exist in the first place, at least, in the way that I wanted it to. Had I simply taken a step back and looked at what I had to work with, I may have been more content with the relationship; I may have had better control over how much time and energy I invested into this friendship; and I may have kept a better handle on myself. But instead, I got carried away with a connection; an intrigue; a dream of what I wanted, and I let that get the best of me. We, as vulnerable and delicate beings, need to be careful with ourselves and our minds, and we need to keep a firm grasp on what we have and what we should be thankful for. Although what is in our possession may not be exactly what we want, it is still something, and it is still huge for us. If we are content and are able to work with what we have, we will be so much better off than if we are always wanting more. And that applies to more than just the relationships in our lives, although those are great places to begin with this frame of mind.
Take a step back today, and thank your friends for being who they are, and appreciate them just they way they are. You need nothing more and nothing less than what you've got. You just have to realize its potential.
Peace and Love.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Sobre de los Globos:
I took a few days offline, just to reorganize my life. I invested so much of it in things that were just not worth it, or not a reality, and I lost myself. And that confusion ended up hurting a lot of people, as well as myself. I feel that I am starting to get back on track, and the following post helped me to think and to confirm that fact. A friend of mine posted this on Facebook a while ago, and I just stumbled across it. It was the first post that I read since I decided it was okay to get back online. It ended up to be just what I needed for the day. It basically covers everything that has been going through my head for the last week or two; but it makes it all sound so much prettier. It was just one of life's little reminders, and I am glad that it was posted, and that I got a chance to read it. Enjoy.
So, I have been thinking alot about balloons as of 10:00 tonight.
It seems to me I'm alot like a balloon, or I try to be at least. People are alot like balloons.
I like to float around and make people smile. Make someone's day.
It feels nice knowing that you can make a positive impact on someone by sharing your joy.
Sometimes there is a great group of balloons and they look so awesome together.
But sometimes, pressure builds up around you and you lose some of your air. Being swatted around and kicked takes its toll on your seemingly sturdy but fragile frame.
Sometimes your strings can become tangled. or sometimes even cut.
When that happens, it is pretty upsetting initially.
But life finds its why to get you untangled and get you more helium.
When life finds you with your string cut, sometimes that is the best thing.
Maybe the poor child who finds you or sees you soaring in the wild wind will take delight in your presence.
In order to do greater things you need to let go.
Don't be afraid to pop, all balloons deflate some day.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Digging Deeper
What do you do when someone close to you lies to you?
What do you when it's petty?
What do you do when someone talks up their game?
...or at least you think they do?
What do you do when you're right?
What do you do when you're wrong?
What do you do when they think you believe them?
What do you do when confronting them hurts?
...On both sides.
And why on earth do we ask these questions? Why are they necessary? Why do we feel the way we do? Why do these situations occur? Why can't we just be real? Why can't we be true to who we are?
And if we are being true, why can't we be believable? Why can't we just trust each other?
And why is a lack of trust so wrong? Why is a lack of confidence so hurtful? Why is it such a big deal? Why do we have to be nice all the time?
Why can't we just speak our minds?
"Just be real, and heal."
Why isn't it ever that easy?
Be honest today. Be vulnerable. Be real.
Everybody bleeds.
What do you when it's petty?
What do you do when someone talks up their game?
...or at least you think they do?
What do you do when you're right?
What do you do when you're wrong?
What do you do when someone tries too hard?
Tries to be cool.
Suave.
Experienced.
"In the know."
What do you do when you know it's all an act?
...Or at least you think you do.
What do you do when you're right?
What do you do when you're wrong?
What do you do when they think you believe them?
What do you do when confronting them hurts?
...On both sides.
And why on earth do we ask these questions? Why are they necessary? Why do we feel the way we do? Why do these situations occur? Why can't we just be real? Why can't we be true to who we are?
And if we are being true, why can't we be believable? Why can't we just trust each other?
And why is a lack of trust so wrong? Why is a lack of confidence so hurtful? Why is it such a big deal? Why do we have to be nice all the time?
Why can't we just speak our minds?
"Just be real, and heal."
Why isn't it ever that easy?
Be honest today. Be vulnerable. Be real.
Everybody bleeds.
Friday, August 6, 2010
The Breaking Point
Tonight was weird.
I got in a petty fight with my parents.
And I cried.
It was so stupid and unimportant and was basically solved by the end of the night.
But I sat in my car and cried.
For a good 15 minutes.
They're taking my bed home. Two and a half weeks before I move on campus and get a new one.
Is that what upset me? Not having a place to sleep?
Was it that my plans were dependent on them when I am so used to being free and on my own?
Was it that I got yelled at, like I was doing something wrong because I had my own, separate, busy schedule?
I have no idea.
But something in me broke.
I don't know if things piled up from the week..my frustration with class, not being able to see my old friends this weekend, seeing my grandparents house, thinking about Aunt Penny..
I guess a lot has been going on this week.
And I honestly didn't realize anything was wrong.
Until I snapped.
I guess, I've buried things so much that I hid them from myself.
I think that's why my posts have been so distant.
Why I can't grasp my monologues
Why I can't make real connections
Why I'm so afraid.
Because I don't even know myself.
That's quite a hard truth to take.
I don't even know what I am pulling from this that is positive.
Other than to trust those who know you. Because sometimes they know best.
Even if you don't want to believe it.
Peace and Love.
I got in a petty fight with my parents.
And I cried.
It was so stupid and unimportant and was basically solved by the end of the night.
But I sat in my car and cried.
For a good 15 minutes.
They're taking my bed home. Two and a half weeks before I move on campus and get a new one.
Is that what upset me? Not having a place to sleep?
Was it that my plans were dependent on them when I am so used to being free and on my own?
Was it that I got yelled at, like I was doing something wrong because I had my own, separate, busy schedule?
I have no idea.
But something in me broke.
I don't know if things piled up from the week..my frustration with class, not being able to see my old friends this weekend, seeing my grandparents house, thinking about Aunt Penny..
I guess a lot has been going on this week.
And I honestly didn't realize anything was wrong.
Until I snapped.
I guess, I've buried things so much that I hid them from myself.
I think that's why my posts have been so distant.
Why I can't grasp my monologues
Why I can't make real connections
Why I'm so afraid.
Because I don't even know myself.
That's quite a hard truth to take.
I don't even know what I am pulling from this that is positive.
Other than to trust those who know you. Because sometimes they know best.
Even if you don't want to believe it.
Peace and Love.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I Totes Stole This
I read something similar to this, and it made me smile. A lot. So I am going to be ridiculously unoriginal. And steal it.
Enjoy your contraband :)
The following is a stream of consciousness list of things that have made me happy throughout my day. I hope it puts a smile on your face too :)
When my kitty jumps on my shoulder and curls around my neck.
The smell of morning rain
Napping in the sun
Reminiscing with old friends
Texas Shrimp Pizza
The feel of new clothes
Full-body hugs
Waking up to voices in the other room
The smell of coffee
Michigan Radio weekend programming
The way old, hard-cover books look on a shelf
Laughter
Belting out a song when you're by yourself - or in a crowd
Sonatina No. 1 by Friedrich Kuhlau
When a singer gives you goosebumps
November leaves
The thrill of kayaking over huge rollers
Playing childishly in big waves
Running my hands through another's hair
Dancing
Renaissance fashion
Animal prints
Scarves
The thought of infinity
Space
Scripts
Riding in a convertible
Smoky clothing
Cigars
Cow girl boots
Friedrich Alan, my stuffed monkey
Mixed tapes
Fabreeze
The feeling before, after, and during opening night
Receiving recognition
Glasses
Vibrant colors
Gay rights
Cute
(500) Days of Summer
The Secret of Kells
The day my life and my future at Saginaw Valley fell into place
The days I made all of my new friends
"Being on the bed" and other tales from my life with Nikki Zwerlein
Talking all night, or at least until the police come
Listening to the world wake up
The sun rise
Sunflowers
Bread and Butter
Fruit Salad
Not having to go in for my on-calls
Surprise phone calls
The breeze on my face
Anticipation
Getting a good work schedule
Pay day
Flirting
Double-takes
The 60s.
Doo-wop
"the other man"
Twins
Compliments
Knowing when I'm right
Good waitresses
That energized feeling you get after a good workout.
:) Happiness.
Enjoy your contraband :)
The following is a stream of consciousness list of things that have made me happy throughout my day. I hope it puts a smile on your face too :)
When my kitty jumps on my shoulder and curls around my neck.
The smell of morning rain
Napping in the sun
Reminiscing with old friends
Texas Shrimp Pizza
The feel of new clothes
Full-body hugs
Waking up to voices in the other room
The smell of coffee
Michigan Radio weekend programming
The way old, hard-cover books look on a shelf
Laughter
Belting out a song when you're by yourself - or in a crowd
Sonatina No. 1 by Friedrich Kuhlau
When a singer gives you goosebumps
November leaves
The thrill of kayaking over huge rollers
Playing childishly in big waves
Running my hands through another's hair
Dancing
Renaissance fashion
Animal prints
Scarves
The thought of infinity
Space
Scripts
Riding in a convertible
Smoky clothing
Cigars
Cow girl boots
Friedrich Alan, my stuffed monkey
Mixed tapes
Fabreeze
The feeling before, after, and during opening night
Receiving recognition
Glasses
Vibrant colors
Gay rights
Cute
(500) Days of Summer
The Secret of Kells
The day my life and my future at Saginaw Valley fell into place
The days I made all of my new friends
"Being on the bed" and other tales from my life with Nikki Zwerlein
Talking all night, or at least until the police come
Listening to the world wake up
The sun rise
Sunflowers
Bread and Butter
Fruit Salad
Not having to go in for my on-calls
Surprise phone calls
The breeze on my face
Anticipation
Getting a good work schedule
Pay day
Flirting
Double-takes
The 60s.
Doo-wop
"the other man"
Twins
Compliments
Knowing when I'm right
Good waitresses
That energized feeling you get after a good workout.
:) Happiness.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Mariposas son Libres
Today, I was on my way to Ann Arbor to have lunch with my parents before I headed back to my apartment. I was supposed to meet them at noon, so I left promptly at 11:30. I was halfway there, and I got stuck in a huge traffic jam. A stand still. Nobody was moving except for, occasionally, the right lane. Of course, I was in the left lane. The jam extended my trip by a half an hour. All I wanted to do was get to lunch and then head back. I hate sitting on the road.
But that wasn't going to happen, obviously. I was getting so fed up with sitting there, waiting and creeping and hardly moving. Something made me look up though. A flash of color.
A butterfly had flown into my open window and perched on my dashboard.
It was so beautiful.
And to think, if I had been driving, I never would have seen it.
If I hadn't been forced to come to a complete standstill with no air conditioning, I would never have opened my window.
But all of that did happen, and I got to see this beautiful, graceful animal perch for just a minute right in front of me.
Eventually it fluttered away, back out the same window, and the moment was gone. Trapped in my memories, and special moment just for me to observe and remember.
Just one of life's little pick-me-ups.
But that wasn't going to happen, obviously. I was getting so fed up with sitting there, waiting and creeping and hardly moving. Something made me look up though. A flash of color.
A butterfly had flown into my open window and perched on my dashboard.
It was so beautiful.
And to think, if I had been driving, I never would have seen it.
If I hadn't been forced to come to a complete standstill with no air conditioning, I would never have opened my window.
But all of that did happen, and I got to see this beautiful, graceful animal perch for just a minute right in front of me.
Eventually it fluttered away, back out the same window, and the moment was gone. Trapped in my memories, and special moment just for me to observe and remember.
Just one of life's little pick-me-ups.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Truth in Cicero
I hope this works. I tried to type the entry on my phone, but it was too long so I recorded it and sent it as an audio clip.
So here it is.
Que Reimos entry for 08/02/2010 at 12:56am: The Truth in Cicero.
Peace and Love.
So here it is.
Que Reimos entry for 08/02/2010 at 12:56am: The Truth in Cicero.
Peace and Love.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Gran Alegría
Today, I drove home for the first of two reasons: To see my dad's band play publicly. Although it wasn't a first for them, it was the first time I got to see it. They were playing at a local music festival for the third time, and had quite a few return audience members. Very impressive.
But, of course, today of all days it rained. They had a dry period to set up, but after that it grew from a sprinkle to full blown rain storm, until the second dry period: just in time for their tear down. They were troopers. They played for their entire two hour set; for the whole duration of the storm, with nothing but the protection of a tarp. The singer was soaked by the third song.
They didn't let the rain get in the way. They took what was given to them and they made the best of it. They took the clouds and the rain and gloom and they filled it with the beauty of their music - And we celebrated by dancing through the rain.
It was like we were five years old again- running and jumping through the puddles, not a care in the world.
That's what I call joy. Have you felt it today?
But, of course, today of all days it rained. They had a dry period to set up, but after that it grew from a sprinkle to full blown rain storm, until the second dry period: just in time for their tear down. They were troopers. They played for their entire two hour set; for the whole duration of the storm, with nothing but the protection of a tarp. The singer was soaked by the third song.
They didn't let the rain get in the way. They took what was given to them and they made the best of it. They took the clouds and the rain and gloom and they filled it with the beauty of their music - And we celebrated by dancing through the rain.
It was like we were five years old again- running and jumping through the puddles, not a care in the world.
That's what I call joy. Have you felt it today?
"Solamente"
So here we are, at the endof July. But I guess it will technically be August by the time this is posted. Either way, the end of summer. The days seem to be going by so fast. There's so much I told myself I was going to do, and then I didn't do it. But, I guess there is still all of August. I've got time, right?
That seems to be something we are constantly telling ourselves. The day is still young, there's always tomorrow, I'll just sleep another hour, my show is on, can I call you later?
And the reasons can keep getting more and more trivial. But the truth is, life is short. There's always another day, yes, technically. But if you live today instead of tomorrow, think of everything extra that you could accomplish! Think of the excitement, the success, the lessons, the joy...
The world would be twice as enjoyable, twice as liveable, twice as successful.
However, the world would also be twice as full of failed attempts and mistakes. But rather than let this stand in your way; rather than let this be an excuse to "do it tomorrow," use the lesson! What better way to put meaning to the phrase "live and learn?"
Live life today, and live AGAIN tomorrow.
That seems to be something we are constantly telling ourselves. The day is still young, there's always tomorrow, I'll just sleep another hour, my show is on, can I call you later?
And the reasons can keep getting more and more trivial. But the truth is, life is short. There's always another day, yes, technically. But if you live today instead of tomorrow, think of everything extra that you could accomplish! Think of the excitement, the success, the lessons, the joy...
The world would be twice as enjoyable, twice as liveable, twice as successful.
However, the world would also be twice as full of failed attempts and mistakes. But rather than let this stand in your way; rather than let this be an excuse to "do it tomorrow," use the lesson! What better way to put meaning to the phrase "live and learn?"
Live life today, and live AGAIN tomorrow.
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