I recently found out that people acctually read this.
I don't know why I found that surprising. It's a blog. It's public. People read things on the internet.
But it still hit me oddly. I guess I've always only hoped my stories are interesting, and never thought they actually would be. But here we are, with people reading, as you clearly are right now.
But this new knowledge made me go back and read my older posts. The god posts. The thoughtful ones that actually made me smile when I re-read them. They were good reminders. But as I got to the top, I noticed that the stories become more distant, surface, and forced. They seem less honest, almost. Like I am trying let you see inside, but I never clean the window.
I guess, I noticed the other day, as I was trying to stay on top of politics and stay informed about the world, that the more I know, the harder it is to stay positive. And it put me in an odly negative mood. It blocked me from writing, from seeing, from thinking.
But as I looked back, I noticed that when I was really writing honestly, I was taking all those negative events and learning from them, and then passing that lesson on. And I lost that. I let the events themselves take over, instead of observing them and seeing everything for what it was. I was searching for meaning instead of really seeing.
But I guess we all make mistakes sometimes. The trick is to not let it get in your way. The trick is to take the mistake, see it, learn from it, and set it aside, let it go. The trick is figure out where you went wrong and get back on track. I know where I went wrong. When I let the stress of my life get in the way of my thoughts - when I lost my meditative mind, I lose the ability to think positivley and write honestly.
And I plan with all my heart to go back to that state of mind - that happiness and honesty. I was so at peace when I could just think clearly and understand. It was like really living instead of trying to live.
Be honest. Be true. Be real.
Don't search but really see.When you let things fall into place and you let things make sense to you, youc an start to understand yourself and the world around you.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Reconnection
Well, an interesting change of events.
As it turns out, the friend that came to visit as been changing with the best of them. Changing who she is and how she acts for her new boyfriend. I didn't notice when it was just us, but in group situations everyone is noticing it. It made me sad that she is going down that road - changing herself to make her more appealing in relationships. I wish she could just be herself.
But aside from this, the subject got me talking to my ex again. About things we haven't talked about in ages. I realized how much I missed talking to her, and how much I still cared if she was okay. We had gone through such a void in communication that when we started talking again, it was very surface. I recently broke down to her over an issue I was having, just because she happened to be online. She just listened. She didn't have to say anything. But it was nice to know that I still had someone who would be there if I needed anything. Someone removed from my new life, because, to be honest, some issues are best left removed. But, the changes our mutual friends are going through gave us something shared talk about, and led us to discussing our own changes, our past, and her hardships. It started taking us back to where we were before. It was a reconnection even better, and more meaningful than the one I'd had earlier.
We have agreed to talk again soon, and for that I am grateful. I want so much for us to continue our friendship, as changed as it may be, and to continue talking, sharing, and helping each other. It's good to finally know that is a possibility.
Reconnect with someone today. You never know how much they, or even you, will need it.
As it turns out, the friend that came to visit as been changing with the best of them. Changing who she is and how she acts for her new boyfriend. I didn't notice when it was just us, but in group situations everyone is noticing it. It made me sad that she is going down that road - changing herself to make her more appealing in relationships. I wish she could just be herself.
But aside from this, the subject got me talking to my ex again. About things we haven't talked about in ages. I realized how much I missed talking to her, and how much I still cared if she was okay. We had gone through such a void in communication that when we started talking again, it was very surface. I recently broke down to her over an issue I was having, just because she happened to be online. She just listened. She didn't have to say anything. But it was nice to know that I still had someone who would be there if I needed anything. Someone removed from my new life, because, to be honest, some issues are best left removed. But, the changes our mutual friends are going through gave us something shared talk about, and led us to discussing our own changes, our past, and her hardships. It started taking us back to where we were before. It was a reconnection even better, and more meaningful than the one I'd had earlier.
We have agreed to talk again soon, and for that I am grateful. I want so much for us to continue our friendship, as changed as it may be, and to continue talking, sharing, and helping each other. It's good to finally know that is a possibility.
Reconnect with someone today. You never know how much they, or even you, will need it.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Reminders
Today, I received a wonderful surprise.
One of my closest friends from back home came to visit me. She has a new boyfriend, who happens to go to school with me, along with his younger sister. So, she accompanied him on a trip up here. She got a chance to see my apartment and see the school and spend some time in the area. It was a nice change from me having to drive all the way home to hold ties with my friends and my life there.
We just talked and reminisced about things that we'd done and friends that we'd had. We gossiped about people and talked about our future. Her boyfriend was with us, so of course, they had their couple moments, talking about stuff with which I wasn't familiar, but it was okay. It was nice to just talk and catch up.
We went to dinner and I got a chance to talk to her boyfriend for a little bit, about our degrees and things. Nothing too ground breaking, but we got a long. It was cool to see her with someone that I could see in our friend group and I was happy for her. We bonded over a prank when she was off to the bathroom - moved all our stuff so it would look like we'd left her there. It was fun.
It was interesting, after I'd spend so much time here on my own and going back to Howell to reconnect, to have her here, in my new life, with a guy who could easily be a part of it. It was like..it was meant for us to stay friends. Although I've changed a lot since I've moved away, and I have different views, different friends, and different stories, I could still talk and share and connect with her. We still had things to talk about.
It was a nice refresher. After I'd gone home a few weeks ago, I felt so disconnected from my life there, it was weird. I wanted so much to come back here and be with my new friends and be a part of my new life. It just didn't feel right, and it worried me. I didn't want to let go of home yet. I didn't want to be the one who left and who changed and disappeared. It was weird. But knowing that we can still talk and visit was a good reminder that I haven't changed so much that I have to let everything go. The way we visited today..it was on a different, more mature, adult level. It wasn't getting together to hang or party, it was a touch base so that we know we are still friends and that we still care and that we will be in touch forever. And it was nice.
I just think we get so caught up in moving on and moving forward that we forget to look back and remember who we are. Sometimes we need life's little reminders.
One of my closest friends from back home came to visit me. She has a new boyfriend, who happens to go to school with me, along with his younger sister. So, she accompanied him on a trip up here. She got a chance to see my apartment and see the school and spend some time in the area. It was a nice change from me having to drive all the way home to hold ties with my friends and my life there.
We just talked and reminisced about things that we'd done and friends that we'd had. We gossiped about people and talked about our future. Her boyfriend was with us, so of course, they had their couple moments, talking about stuff with which I wasn't familiar, but it was okay. It was nice to just talk and catch up.
We went to dinner and I got a chance to talk to her boyfriend for a little bit, about our degrees and things. Nothing too ground breaking, but we got a long. It was cool to see her with someone that I could see in our friend group and I was happy for her. We bonded over a prank when she was off to the bathroom - moved all our stuff so it would look like we'd left her there. It was fun.
It was interesting, after I'd spend so much time here on my own and going back to Howell to reconnect, to have her here, in my new life, with a guy who could easily be a part of it. It was like..it was meant for us to stay friends. Although I've changed a lot since I've moved away, and I have different views, different friends, and different stories, I could still talk and share and connect with her. We still had things to talk about.
It was a nice refresher. After I'd gone home a few weeks ago, I felt so disconnected from my life there, it was weird. I wanted so much to come back here and be with my new friends and be a part of my new life. It just didn't feel right, and it worried me. I didn't want to let go of home yet. I didn't want to be the one who left and who changed and disappeared. It was weird. But knowing that we can still talk and visit was a good reminder that I haven't changed so much that I have to let everything go. The way we visited today..it was on a different, more mature, adult level. It wasn't getting together to hang or party, it was a touch base so that we know we are still friends and that we still care and that we will be in touch forever. And it was nice.
I just think we get so caught up in moving on and moving forward that we forget to look back and remember who we are. Sometimes we need life's little reminders.
A Shout out to Richard Cizik.
As of late, I have been tweeting up a storm about a certain Reverend Richard Cizik. Some of you may be familiar with him, others may not.
Rev. Cizik, back in 2008, had been the spokesperson for the National Association of Evangelicals, a post he'd held for 10 years. Generally, one might have automatically categorized him as a traditional Christian conservative, perceived as closed-minded by those on left. However, this is precisely the type of closed-off partisan division that Cizik was so strongly against. I myself am a strong hearted liberal standing way on the left, and yet, I still have a found a deep amount of respect for this man.
In early December, Cizik did an interview with Terry Gross of NPR's Fresh Air program. Although this interview was focused greatly around global warming and Cizik's views on the environmental issues of our time, Cizik also spoke of his views on other issues such as gay marriage and abortion. He also spoke of a strong want for cooperation and compromise, as well as change. Without these, he seemed to feel that neither side [the conservatives or the liberals] would get anywhere with there policies. This is a view with which I can strongly agree.
However, in this interview, Cizik mentioned that a few of his views were changing, including that of his stance on gay marriage. This, in turn, sent him to a discussion with the president of the NAE, which the resulted in his resignation from the position of spokesperson. It has been said that this was because he was no longer the best representative of the views of the NAE.
However, reading this interview, I was moved by all that Cizik had to say. I am not a conservative Christian in the least. I am a liberal and an agnostic to the core. I am gay, and I am pro-choice. An antithesis, almost. But reading this interview, I discovered a certain open mindedness and an acceptance of the world and its changes that most people can only hope to achieve. Many talk of how conservatives are closed minded because of their religious beliefs. And I find that many liberals try so hard to be open minded, that they are closed minded to everyone who does not share their beliefs. But Cizik has managed to by pass this closed-minded trap. He seems to view the world with a vision of love, and a hope for the God's peace that he so strongly believes in. He cares for the earth and the people in it, simply because they are the creations of his God, and he lives this belief and this care in his everyday life. In my opinion, he is truly trying to follow the footsteps of Jesus, as is required by those of the Christian faith.
Cizik, along with David Gushee and Steven D. Martin, has started the New Evangelical Partnership for the Common Good. It is a newer version of the NAE, with the outlook that one must change and adapt along with the culture of the world in order to best govern it in the best interests of the people. The organization is still Christian based in it's beliefs, but it is also based around the care of the earth and the people living here. It speaks to the love and devotion that God may feel for the land. Reading through their initiatives and their description of the organization, I could almost return to the Christian faith, if all preached this strong love and acceptance.
Reading Cizik's past interviews, and reading about his new feats and organization, I can help but respect him more with every article. I see in him the love, care, and open-minded acceptance that I wish the whole world could see and use. Just think - if we all attempted to use this cooperation and this compromise; this love and care - how much better off the world would be? We would have to need for war and arguments, for violence and pain, for destruction. We could all just...get along. A dream that I know is still a long time coming. But a girl can dream, and she can hope, and she sure can fight for it, right?
Let us all put our efforts into understanding today. Listen to someone you may not normally agree with or understand, and really try. See their side of the story. You might find that you get along.
Rev. Cizik, back in 2008, had been the spokesperson for the National Association of Evangelicals, a post he'd held for 10 years. Generally, one might have automatically categorized him as a traditional Christian conservative, perceived as closed-minded by those on left. However, this is precisely the type of closed-off partisan division that Cizik was so strongly against. I myself am a strong hearted liberal standing way on the left, and yet, I still have a found a deep amount of respect for this man.
In early December, Cizik did an interview with Terry Gross of NPR's Fresh Air program. Although this interview was focused greatly around global warming and Cizik's views on the environmental issues of our time, Cizik also spoke of his views on other issues such as gay marriage and abortion. He also spoke of a strong want for cooperation and compromise, as well as change. Without these, he seemed to feel that neither side [the conservatives or the liberals] would get anywhere with there policies. This is a view with which I can strongly agree.
However, in this interview, Cizik mentioned that a few of his views were changing, including that of his stance on gay marriage. This, in turn, sent him to a discussion with the president of the NAE, which the resulted in his resignation from the position of spokesperson. It has been said that this was because he was no longer the best representative of the views of the NAE.
However, reading this interview, I was moved by all that Cizik had to say. I am not a conservative Christian in the least. I am a liberal and an agnostic to the core. I am gay, and I am pro-choice. An antithesis, almost. But reading this interview, I discovered a certain open mindedness and an acceptance of the world and its changes that most people can only hope to achieve. Many talk of how conservatives are closed minded because of their religious beliefs. And I find that many liberals try so hard to be open minded, that they are closed minded to everyone who does not share their beliefs. But Cizik has managed to by pass this closed-minded trap. He seems to view the world with a vision of love, and a hope for the God's peace that he so strongly believes in. He cares for the earth and the people in it, simply because they are the creations of his God, and he lives this belief and this care in his everyday life. In my opinion, he is truly trying to follow the footsteps of Jesus, as is required by those of the Christian faith.
Cizik, along with David Gushee and Steven D. Martin, has started the New Evangelical Partnership for the Common Good. It is a newer version of the NAE, with the outlook that one must change and adapt along with the culture of the world in order to best govern it in the best interests of the people. The organization is still Christian based in it's beliefs, but it is also based around the care of the earth and the people living here. It speaks to the love and devotion that God may feel for the land. Reading through their initiatives and their description of the organization, I could almost return to the Christian faith, if all preached this strong love and acceptance.
Reading Cizik's past interviews, and reading about his new feats and organization, I can help but respect him more with every article. I see in him the love, care, and open-minded acceptance that I wish the whole world could see and use. Just think - if we all attempted to use this cooperation and this compromise; this love and care - how much better off the world would be? We would have to need for war and arguments, for violence and pain, for destruction. We could all just...get along. A dream that I know is still a long time coming. But a girl can dream, and she can hope, and she sure can fight for it, right?
Let us all put our efforts into understanding today. Listen to someone you may not normally agree with or understand, and really try. See their side of the story. You might find that you get along.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Learning, and Earning, from Mistakes
A while ago, a Friend of mine told me a really big secret.
It happens all the time, really, I don't know what it is. People have always seemed to be compelled to confide in me, or ask for advice. I cherish that gift with all my heart. It allows me to help others and build relationships with them. It's nice.
But this instance was different. This secret, though not a huge deal to my Friend, could destroy the Other Person involved. He told me, not in search for advice, but more just to get it out there so he could think about it. And think about it he did. I kept his secret between us, and didn't mention it to anyone. It was the least I could do.
But, here is where the story turns sour.
I was out to dinner with some friends, catching up on the latest gossip. We were discussing the Other Person. and for some reason...my want to have a part in the gossip got the best of me and I told my secret that I had kept. At the time, it didn't seem like a big deal. The table blew it off and left it alone. It was mostly an...of course that happened..moment. And so, my telling of the secret was forget, as well as the secret itself.
For the time being.
One night I got a text from a friend who I had gossiped to. He threatened to spread the secret around the department, as a way of getting revenge on the Other Person. The secret could ruin him, could hurt his confidence, cause him to withdraw from the department, destroy his future. Somehow, news of this threat got back to my Friend. He was livid. He just wanted the issue to blow over, as did the Other Person. The whole thing, basically, was blown to huge proportions.
I eventually had to come clean to my Friend. I told him that it was I who had told his secret, and basically, started the issue at hand. If it weren't for me, there would be no problem in the first place. My Friend didn't seem upset at the time. But I could tell that the scenario bothered him. He had lost faith and trust in me for a while, or so I thought. And that was the last thing I wanted. I loved his friendship and I loved how he confided in me. I never wanted to hurt him, or to destroy the Other Person.
Eventually, the issue blew over, and the secret was never spread around, thankfully. But I still felt awful. I didn't want my Friend, or anyone else involved, to think that I was a liar, or two faced. I realized my mistake and its consequences, and I began to regret that people would confide in me at all. But they still do, and I have tried my best to redeem myself with open honesty, acceptance, and understanding. But that is not the point of this story.
The point is that tonight, I received a message from my Friend. He brought up that issue from months ago - and said that although he said he would be angry at whoever told, he wasn't. That my coming clean to him, my directness and honesty about the situation meant a lot to him, and "spoke to my character." Although, I am sure, he was upset at the time, he was able to move past it and we were able to make peace.
Through all of this, though I made a terrible mistake, I was able to make up for it by facing the troubles, and my fear of losing the connection of someone close to me. By coming clean, I cleared away a mound of hurt and anger that could have come to pass.
We all make mistakes. It's what we do with our mistakes that will help or hurt us in the end.
Had I run from my mistake and avoided it as I had originally planned, my Friend would have figured it out. He would have known it was me, and I don't know how he would have reacted to that knowledge. But I cannot imagine that we would be on as good of terms as we are now.
Don't run. Stand, honestly and openly, and deal with what is coming towards you. Keeping an open, understanding mind, even in the face of mistakes and hardship, will allow you to keep a positive mind, especially in the fact that positive results will be achieved.
I hope that with this story, though vague, I can teach and others can learn. After all, that has been the best use of mistakes for ages.
It happens all the time, really, I don't know what it is. People have always seemed to be compelled to confide in me, or ask for advice. I cherish that gift with all my heart. It allows me to help others and build relationships with them. It's nice.
But this instance was different. This secret, though not a huge deal to my Friend, could destroy the Other Person involved. He told me, not in search for advice, but more just to get it out there so he could think about it. And think about it he did. I kept his secret between us, and didn't mention it to anyone. It was the least I could do.
But, here is where the story turns sour.
I was out to dinner with some friends, catching up on the latest gossip. We were discussing the Other Person. and for some reason...my want to have a part in the gossip got the best of me and I told my secret that I had kept. At the time, it didn't seem like a big deal. The table blew it off and left it alone. It was mostly an...of course that happened..moment. And so, my telling of the secret was forget, as well as the secret itself.
For the time being.
One night I got a text from a friend who I had gossiped to. He threatened to spread the secret around the department, as a way of getting revenge on the Other Person. The secret could ruin him, could hurt his confidence, cause him to withdraw from the department, destroy his future. Somehow, news of this threat got back to my Friend. He was livid. He just wanted the issue to blow over, as did the Other Person. The whole thing, basically, was blown to huge proportions.
I eventually had to come clean to my Friend. I told him that it was I who had told his secret, and basically, started the issue at hand. If it weren't for me, there would be no problem in the first place. My Friend didn't seem upset at the time. But I could tell that the scenario bothered him. He had lost faith and trust in me for a while, or so I thought. And that was the last thing I wanted. I loved his friendship and I loved how he confided in me. I never wanted to hurt him, or to destroy the Other Person.
Eventually, the issue blew over, and the secret was never spread around, thankfully. But I still felt awful. I didn't want my Friend, or anyone else involved, to think that I was a liar, or two faced. I realized my mistake and its consequences, and I began to regret that people would confide in me at all. But they still do, and I have tried my best to redeem myself with open honesty, acceptance, and understanding. But that is not the point of this story.
The point is that tonight, I received a message from my Friend. He brought up that issue from months ago - and said that although he said he would be angry at whoever told, he wasn't. That my coming clean to him, my directness and honesty about the situation meant a lot to him, and "spoke to my character." Although, I am sure, he was upset at the time, he was able to move past it and we were able to make peace.
Through all of this, though I made a terrible mistake, I was able to make up for it by facing the troubles, and my fear of losing the connection of someone close to me. By coming clean, I cleared away a mound of hurt and anger that could have come to pass.
We all make mistakes. It's what we do with our mistakes that will help or hurt us in the end.
Had I run from my mistake and avoided it as I had originally planned, my Friend would have figured it out. He would have known it was me, and I don't know how he would have reacted to that knowledge. But I cannot imagine that we would be on as good of terms as we are now.
Don't run. Stand, honestly and openly, and deal with what is coming towards you. Keeping an open, understanding mind, even in the face of mistakes and hardship, will allow you to keep a positive mind, especially in the fact that positive results will be achieved.
I hope that with this story, though vague, I can teach and others can learn. After all, that has been the best use of mistakes for ages.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The Nut Gatherers: A Lesson in Intimacy
If any of you have been to the Detroit Institute of Art, you may have seen a portrait called The Nut Gatherers. This beautiful portrait was done by William-Adolphe Bouguereau, a French painter who did classical pieces in a modern, stylized manner. The portraits tended to come out life like, and almost of photo quality. They seem to come alive in front of you. This portrait, The Nut Gatherers, had that effect on me.
I went to the DIA about a year ago, and a friend of mine took me to the portrait. He was searching for the room, telling me how I just had to see the picture, how I would see why he loved it once we got there. And believe me, I did. The portrait is of two girls, young, sitting on the ground in the woods. One girl is holding a handful of what looks like hazelnuts, but that detail is beside the point of the picture - it simply adds to the realistic nature. What really comes a live in the portrait is the look on the girls' faces. The girl holding the nuts has a life-like look of insecurity, possibly sadness. But buried in to her face is a feeling of love for the other girl, joy and thankfulness that she is there with her. It's almost reassuring. The other girl lays on the ground to her left, watching her. Her face houses a small smile, not of joy, but understanding. She is silently encouraging her friend, listening to her, sharing with her. There is a sense of intimacy there. And only Bouguereau knows what the girls in his minds eye were thinking and saying before and after this moment in time, and all we know is that the result is beautiful. And he captured this secret moment wonderfully.
Now of course, while at the DIA, the tour guide who happened to be in the room with another group of people tried to explain away the beauty of the portrait with artistic technicalities. She discussed the angle of the picture and the location, the direction of the girls' eyes, etc. She specifically asked my friend what he was thinking and tried to tie it in to her discussion on the lines in the pictures, but my friend was left floundering. His connection to the picture was not through the lines or the angles. Although these are important aspects of the art, and I am sure Bouguereau used them, whether intentionally or naturally, they, like the nuts, are not the focus and intent of the portrait. The point is the result. When the portrait was painted, Bouguereau was not thinking about how we, in the future, would analyze his work and look for certain techniques and qualities. he was looking for a reaction. He saw the picture in his head and he wanted a certain emotion, and the picture is not done until that emotion is achieved. He used techniques and then filled them in with details that made the emotion bloom. Each face was real and beautiful and full of life and longing and we are drawn to it. We connect with their eyes more than the lines on the ground.
I believe that this portrait, in all of its beauty, can teach us a few life lessons.
The first is in intimacy. I have already said that the moment shared between the girls in the portrait is beautiful. And if Bouguereau painted realistic portraits, why can't we have moments like these in real life? I think many people are drawn to this picture because they long to have a moment like this with someone. They long to be able to share and to be understood, and to be loved and accepted. So why haven't as many people actually felt that? I think that we need to look deeply into the faces of the girls and fill their minds with thoughts of our own, fill their mouths with our words. What is your deepest secret, deepest pain, or deepest joy? How would you put that to words? Why do you want to share it so badly? And most of all, who do you want to share it with, and how do you want them to respond? Like the girls in the portrait? Do you want that beautiful moment to be yours? Deep down, I think we all do. I think we all long for it in our own way. Maybe our moment does not look like that, but the emotions are still there.
Placing ourselves in the other girl's shoes, the listener, how can we bring about this moment with the people around us when we don't have anything to share? We always seem to be so busy and so caught up, that we miss out when people want to be with us, share with us, and connect. What if the listener in the portrait decided that it was more important to gather nuts than to listen to her friend? What if she avoided the connection? Then there would be not portrait, not beauty. So why do we do this in our daily life? "I'm sorry, I'm late to the office, can this wait until I get home?" "I'm sorry, someone's on the other line, can you wait for a moment?" If we all just stopped and listened, everyone could share and everyone could listen and we wouldn't have so much baggage. We wouldn't have so much anxiety - while other is waiting, did you ever think that maybe they were re-thinking their decision to talk to you? That that they were re-working their story? The truth becomes warped when we wait.
We try to explain away this intimacy with technicalities and words because we are so unused to these emotions. We don't connect like this with the people around us in everyday life, and so the emotions we get from the portrait are unfamiliar. We can't explain the girls' emotions or understand why we feel a connection, so we look for technique - what was the artist doing to make us feel this way. And we miss what is important.
Moments like the one in Bouguereau's portrait can, and should, happen everyday. We should be intimate with one another. We need to be intimate with one another.
Be real today.
I went to the DIA about a year ago, and a friend of mine took me to the portrait. He was searching for the room, telling me how I just had to see the picture, how I would see why he loved it once we got there. And believe me, I did. The portrait is of two girls, young, sitting on the ground in the woods. One girl is holding a handful of what looks like hazelnuts, but that detail is beside the point of the picture - it simply adds to the realistic nature. What really comes a live in the portrait is the look on the girls' faces. The girl holding the nuts has a life-like look of insecurity, possibly sadness. But buried in to her face is a feeling of love for the other girl, joy and thankfulness that she is there with her. It's almost reassuring. The other girl lays on the ground to her left, watching her. Her face houses a small smile, not of joy, but understanding. She is silently encouraging her friend, listening to her, sharing with her. There is a sense of intimacy there. And only Bouguereau knows what the girls in his minds eye were thinking and saying before and after this moment in time, and all we know is that the result is beautiful. And he captured this secret moment wonderfully.
Now of course, while at the DIA, the tour guide who happened to be in the room with another group of people tried to explain away the beauty of the portrait with artistic technicalities. She discussed the angle of the picture and the location, the direction of the girls' eyes, etc. She specifically asked my friend what he was thinking and tried to tie it in to her discussion on the lines in the pictures, but my friend was left floundering. His connection to the picture was not through the lines or the angles. Although these are important aspects of the art, and I am sure Bouguereau used them, whether intentionally or naturally, they, like the nuts, are not the focus and intent of the portrait. The point is the result. When the portrait was painted, Bouguereau was not thinking about how we, in the future, would analyze his work and look for certain techniques and qualities. he was looking for a reaction. He saw the picture in his head and he wanted a certain emotion, and the picture is not done until that emotion is achieved. He used techniques and then filled them in with details that made the emotion bloom. Each face was real and beautiful and full of life and longing and we are drawn to it. We connect with their eyes more than the lines on the ground.
I believe that this portrait, in all of its beauty, can teach us a few life lessons.
The first is in intimacy. I have already said that the moment shared between the girls in the portrait is beautiful. And if Bouguereau painted realistic portraits, why can't we have moments like these in real life? I think many people are drawn to this picture because they long to have a moment like this with someone. They long to be able to share and to be understood, and to be loved and accepted. So why haven't as many people actually felt that? I think that we need to look deeply into the faces of the girls and fill their minds with thoughts of our own, fill their mouths with our words. What is your deepest secret, deepest pain, or deepest joy? How would you put that to words? Why do you want to share it so badly? And most of all, who do you want to share it with, and how do you want them to respond? Like the girls in the portrait? Do you want that beautiful moment to be yours? Deep down, I think we all do. I think we all long for it in our own way. Maybe our moment does not look like that, but the emotions are still there.
Placing ourselves in the other girl's shoes, the listener, how can we bring about this moment with the people around us when we don't have anything to share? We always seem to be so busy and so caught up, that we miss out when people want to be with us, share with us, and connect. What if the listener in the portrait decided that it was more important to gather nuts than to listen to her friend? What if she avoided the connection? Then there would be not portrait, not beauty. So why do we do this in our daily life? "I'm sorry, I'm late to the office, can this wait until I get home?" "I'm sorry, someone's on the other line, can you wait for a moment?" If we all just stopped and listened, everyone could share and everyone could listen and we wouldn't have so much baggage. We wouldn't have so much anxiety - while other is waiting, did you ever think that maybe they were re-thinking their decision to talk to you? That that they were re-working their story? The truth becomes warped when we wait.
We try to explain away this intimacy with technicalities and words because we are so unused to these emotions. We don't connect like this with the people around us in everyday life, and so the emotions we get from the portrait are unfamiliar. We can't explain the girls' emotions or understand why we feel a connection, so we look for technique - what was the artist doing to make us feel this way. And we miss what is important.
Moments like the one in Bouguereau's portrait can, and should, happen everyday. We should be intimate with one another. We need to be intimate with one another.
Be real today.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Guilty Pleasures
Today, I watched Degrassi. All night.
But hey. I worked all day, 7:45-4:15. I earned my break and I enjoyed it. You know it.
But I always feel a little guilty watching Degrassi. It's the cheesiest, lamest, high school drama show ever. But it's awesome. They film it in Canada and the Canadian's don't even watch it. They film it because they know it's trash that american's will watch.
And it's so true.
But it makes you wonder. Why do we, as a culture, like the crap T.V. that we like? We watch shows like Degrassi where high schoolers are dating and having sex, moving, dating, making up and breaking up. We watch "reality" TV where rich housewives bitch each other out and socially attack each other based on money and class. We watch shows were hundreds of girls throw themselves at one guy.
Things that would never happen if it weren't for money. Meaningless trash that has nothing to do with national or international news. Shows that make American's look bad in the eyes of foreigners who might spend their time watching something a little more worth while.
But even through all of this negativity, there is an explanation. These people are living rich lives in the spotlight and we can't get enough. We strive to have that exciting life and, in a way, we are living vicariously through these shows. We want to take the risks and be careless and ignorant and pointless. We are sick of the stress of work, money, and bills. We just want to go out and be crazy and not need an excuse. As a college student with homework to do, work to attend, and bills to pay, I miss the time when I was carefree and in high school. I miss dealing with petty high school drama, as opposed to life drama. As a culture, we want to be children. In an adult way.
And this dream, this goal, is completely possible. We just need to let loose. We are so caught up in making money to live "the American Dream" that we forget what that dream actually is: Happiness. We want to keep apace with the latest trends; the latest styles; the latest gadgets; the latest it couple. We lose sight of our personal lives, trials, and triumphs, and obsess over what the society says we need, want, and enjoy. If we forget this - if we just stop, and listen, and really look into ourselves, we can rediscover what it is we really dream of. And when we discover this dream, we can abandon the pointless T.V. shows, because we will have what we want. When we discover our joys and dreams, we discover freedom. Every day becomes childish because every day is fun. Every day is a play date with the world. And it is beautiful.
But of course, it's still okay to keep those guilty pleasures. If we are perfectly happy and content with the success rate of our lives, if we are achieving our goals and living the life we want, why not sit down and watch a show that means nothing? Why not watch a show and reminisce or watch a show and just forget the world?
We simply must not be consumed by it. Be consumed by the drive to be happy and be successful, each in our own way.
If we each follow our own path, no one will collide.
But hey. I worked all day, 7:45-4:15. I earned my break and I enjoyed it. You know it.
But I always feel a little guilty watching Degrassi. It's the cheesiest, lamest, high school drama show ever. But it's awesome. They film it in Canada and the Canadian's don't even watch it. They film it because they know it's trash that american's will watch.
And it's so true.
But it makes you wonder. Why do we, as a culture, like the crap T.V. that we like? We watch shows like Degrassi where high schoolers are dating and having sex, moving, dating, making up and breaking up. We watch "reality" TV where rich housewives bitch each other out and socially attack each other based on money and class. We watch shows were hundreds of girls throw themselves at one guy.
Things that would never happen if it weren't for money. Meaningless trash that has nothing to do with national or international news. Shows that make American's look bad in the eyes of foreigners who might spend their time watching something a little more worth while.
But even through all of this negativity, there is an explanation. These people are living rich lives in the spotlight and we can't get enough. We strive to have that exciting life and, in a way, we are living vicariously through these shows. We want to take the risks and be careless and ignorant and pointless. We are sick of the stress of work, money, and bills. We just want to go out and be crazy and not need an excuse. As a college student with homework to do, work to attend, and bills to pay, I miss the time when I was carefree and in high school. I miss dealing with petty high school drama, as opposed to life drama. As a culture, we want to be children. In an adult way.
And this dream, this goal, is completely possible. We just need to let loose. We are so caught up in making money to live "the American Dream" that we forget what that dream actually is: Happiness. We want to keep apace with the latest trends; the latest styles; the latest gadgets; the latest it couple. We lose sight of our personal lives, trials, and triumphs, and obsess over what the society says we need, want, and enjoy. If we forget this - if we just stop, and listen, and really look into ourselves, we can rediscover what it is we really dream of. And when we discover this dream, we can abandon the pointless T.V. shows, because we will have what we want. When we discover our joys and dreams, we discover freedom. Every day becomes childish because every day is fun. Every day is a play date with the world. And it is beautiful.
But of course, it's still okay to keep those guilty pleasures. If we are perfectly happy and content with the success rate of our lives, if we are achieving our goals and living the life we want, why not sit down and watch a show that means nothing? Why not watch a show and reminisce or watch a show and just forget the world?
We simply must not be consumed by it. Be consumed by the drive to be happy and be successful, each in our own way.
If we each follow our own path, no one will collide.
Some People Get It
A friend of mine from back home q111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111200
Well. Apparently Rhy didn't want me to write about that.
I got a new kitten yesterday, named Rhy. Well, Rhythm, but I like to call him Rhy for short. He is a little Siamese boy and he is adorable - just curls up right next to you. He likes to walk across my keyboard for some reason. He was being exceptionally persistent this time and stood in front of my screen staring at me, puring. Then he proceeded to cross over and sit on my chest and attack my face with kisses. He's a lover with the best of them. Sometimes I wish humans could show as much love and affection as cats do. I mean really, have you ever noticed how cats always know how you are feeling? When you don't really want to go to work they sit on your clothes so they get covered in cat hair, as if that would keep you from the office. When you are having too good of a day, they make sure to snub you, just yo bring you down to earth a little bit. When you are sad, they know it, and they sit with you. And they just watch. I know they are listening. They listen to you cry and they listen to you talk, and in return, you get all the love you could ever need. Just from a little fur ball that purrs. It never fails.
This whole love and affection thing brings me back to my original topic, though, conveniently. (But Rhy doesn't care. He just wanted me to write about him and now he is sitting back, relishing in his victory, puring softly at my feet -- Cats will be cats.) Anyway. A friend of mine from back home came to visit her grandma, who happens to live about 15 minutes from my apartment. So I drove out to see her. We went to Kokomo's for a fun day with her cousins and just hung out - played the games and won some cheap, lame toys that I will cherish forever. She took me back to her grandma's house to hang out before I had to go back home. I was in the house for 5 minutes and her grandma, who I had just met in those 5 minutes, was offering to take us out to dinner, even though she had already eaten. She just wanted to take us out because she could, so we wouldn't have to cook anything. I was just expecting to chill for a bit and she went out of her way to make sure that we were happy and comfortable, and she didn't even know me, really. Most people would have just waited for us to ask, or let us take ourselves. I wasn't expecting to get paid for. It was just nice, and refreshing.
We had a good chat, just about things going on in the world and she kept offering to buy us things, or make me a pot of coffee because I said I would probably get some on my way home, and she gave us ice cream. She was just so warm and inviting. Before I left she gave me a bag of hand picked cucumbers from her garden to take home. And she tried to pass of a bag of fresh blueberries to, but I assured her I didn't need them. I almost felt bad, how much she was just giving, and how little I had to offer. It's not like I was prepared to repay her, or like I would see her again to be able to trade off being good to each other.
I guess I repaid her by respecting her house and her company. I was social and I thanked her. But in the end, that doesn't matter. It's hardly the point of this post.
The point is that I walked in to her house and she just opened her arms and welcomed me there, even for just the short few hours I was going to be there. Not many people are like that these days and I rejoiced to meet someone who is.
I think we should greet everyone we meet on those terms, and welcome them in that same way - just open, available, and giving of self. If everyone walked the earth in those shoes, we would all be in a better place. It's not that she paid for things, or that she materially gave to me as a stranger, but that she was kind as a stranger and inviting. She showed peace and love and acceptance. The way things should be.
Give of yourself today -- Love someone.
Well. Apparently Rhy didn't want me to write about that.
I got a new kitten yesterday, named Rhy. Well, Rhythm, but I like to call him Rhy for short. He is a little Siamese boy and he is adorable - just curls up right next to you. He likes to walk across my keyboard for some reason. He was being exceptionally persistent this time and stood in front of my screen staring at me, puring. Then he proceeded to cross over and sit on my chest and attack my face with kisses. He's a lover with the best of them. Sometimes I wish humans could show as much love and affection as cats do. I mean really, have you ever noticed how cats always know how you are feeling? When you don't really want to go to work they sit on your clothes so they get covered in cat hair, as if that would keep you from the office. When you are having too good of a day, they make sure to snub you, just yo bring you down to earth a little bit. When you are sad, they know it, and they sit with you. And they just watch. I know they are listening. They listen to you cry and they listen to you talk, and in return, you get all the love you could ever need. Just from a little fur ball that purrs. It never fails.
This whole love and affection thing brings me back to my original topic, though, conveniently. (But Rhy doesn't care. He just wanted me to write about him and now he is sitting back, relishing in his victory, puring softly at my feet -- Cats will be cats.) Anyway. A friend of mine from back home came to visit her grandma, who happens to live about 15 minutes from my apartment. So I drove out to see her. We went to Kokomo's for a fun day with her cousins and just hung out - played the games and won some cheap, lame toys that I will cherish forever. She took me back to her grandma's house to hang out before I had to go back home. I was in the house for 5 minutes and her grandma, who I had just met in those 5 minutes, was offering to take us out to dinner, even though she had already eaten. She just wanted to take us out because she could, so we wouldn't have to cook anything. I was just expecting to chill for a bit and she went out of her way to make sure that we were happy and comfortable, and she didn't even know me, really. Most people would have just waited for us to ask, or let us take ourselves. I wasn't expecting to get paid for. It was just nice, and refreshing.
We had a good chat, just about things going on in the world and she kept offering to buy us things, or make me a pot of coffee because I said I would probably get some on my way home, and she gave us ice cream. She was just so warm and inviting. Before I left she gave me a bag of hand picked cucumbers from her garden to take home. And she tried to pass of a bag of fresh blueberries to, but I assured her I didn't need them. I almost felt bad, how much she was just giving, and how little I had to offer. It's not like I was prepared to repay her, or like I would see her again to be able to trade off being good to each other.
I guess I repaid her by respecting her house and her company. I was social and I thanked her. But in the end, that doesn't matter. It's hardly the point of this post.
The point is that I walked in to her house and she just opened her arms and welcomed me there, even for just the short few hours I was going to be there. Not many people are like that these days and I rejoiced to meet someone who is.
I think we should greet everyone we meet on those terms, and welcome them in that same way - just open, available, and giving of self. If everyone walked the earth in those shoes, we would all be in a better place. It's not that she paid for things, or that she materially gave to me as a stranger, but that she was kind as a stranger and inviting. She showed peace and love and acceptance. The way things should be.
Give of yourself today -- Love someone.
Era Libre
Yesterday I had the time of my life: I was free.
We had a day on the beach - just us girls.
Actually, it was a bachelorette party. We got our things together, swimsuits on, and drove 45 minutes out to a beach that was supposedly better than the one here. Just us in the car, rocking out to music, playing car games, and gossiping about everything. We got to the beach, and it was definitely better - a huge strip of sand with a volley ball area and people everywhere. But we walked down a ways and chose a secluded area, with a small sandy area covered with weeds. We laid our things out in the sand, marking our spot, and ran into the water. Because who needs a beach and a crowd, when the point is to let go and have fun - be on your own and be free? And that was the best decision we made. Some of the girls complained about the weeds, or the small space, or the fact that we were near the grills or the tables, but once we got in that water, it was just a day of fun. Just a day of frolicking, and talking. We grabbed glasses of Sangria and sipped them while the waves lapped against us, threatening to splash the water into our cups. We chatted, floated and swam, and just relaxed. People think that a bachelorette party has to be big and drunk - male strippers and alcohol, maybe a bar or a club, but we got rid of that notion, and did our own thing, and we were having the most fun of anyone. Not a single girl said they were bored, or that they wanted to drive back. We let the waves toss us around, we flirted with each other, we flirted with the boys, we got ice cream, and we laughed. And nothing could have made that day better.
On the way home we decided to have a bonfire. No one wanted to end our joyful day. I rode with a friend of mine. A friend who happened to have a Sunfire Convertible. And the night was beautiful, so we put the top down and cranked up the music. It was amazing. I had never ridden in a convertible before that and I can't believe what I had been missing. It's so freeing to sit in a car, with the wind whipping through your hair, throwing your hands in the air, singing, and laughing. Not a care in the world. You could look up and see the wide open sky and the moon and the stars, feel the breeze, it was amazing. It was like..the whole day, the whole, fun, freeing, joyous day, summed up in that one car ride. Riding in a convertible, with the top down, music blaring, wind blowing. Nothing but the moon in the sky and the stars up above, good friends close at had. It was beautiful.
As we drove the stars kept multiplying. Constellations became clear as we all started searching. We saw huge clusters and spacey loners - just tiny, beautiful, balls of silver light. Growing and changing every time you looked up as the night got darker. I will remember that ride and that night forever. For all its beauty and all its joy.
We often miss those days - we let the small annoyances in life rob us of our joy. The way the kids kicked sand on us while we tanned. The way the grass covered the whole area and dropped burs on our towels. The long drive. The way the wind tangled our hair. The way we were dateless or fighting. The way the fire wouldn't start. Anything and everything could have gotten in the way - but we looked past it. For everything good that happened, we chose to cherish and enjoy it. We joked and laughed and played like children, we sang and danced and talked.
We were all simply together for the sake of being together under one huge night sky that goes on forever.
We had a day on the beach - just us girls.
Actually, it was a bachelorette party. We got our things together, swimsuits on, and drove 45 minutes out to a beach that was supposedly better than the one here. Just us in the car, rocking out to music, playing car games, and gossiping about everything. We got to the beach, and it was definitely better - a huge strip of sand with a volley ball area and people everywhere. But we walked down a ways and chose a secluded area, with a small sandy area covered with weeds. We laid our things out in the sand, marking our spot, and ran into the water. Because who needs a beach and a crowd, when the point is to let go and have fun - be on your own and be free? And that was the best decision we made. Some of the girls complained about the weeds, or the small space, or the fact that we were near the grills or the tables, but once we got in that water, it was just a day of fun. Just a day of frolicking, and talking. We grabbed glasses of Sangria and sipped them while the waves lapped against us, threatening to splash the water into our cups. We chatted, floated and swam, and just relaxed. People think that a bachelorette party has to be big and drunk - male strippers and alcohol, maybe a bar or a club, but we got rid of that notion, and did our own thing, and we were having the most fun of anyone. Not a single girl said they were bored, or that they wanted to drive back. We let the waves toss us around, we flirted with each other, we flirted with the boys, we got ice cream, and we laughed. And nothing could have made that day better.
On the way home we decided to have a bonfire. No one wanted to end our joyful day. I rode with a friend of mine. A friend who happened to have a Sunfire Convertible. And the night was beautiful, so we put the top down and cranked up the music. It was amazing. I had never ridden in a convertible before that and I can't believe what I had been missing. It's so freeing to sit in a car, with the wind whipping through your hair, throwing your hands in the air, singing, and laughing. Not a care in the world. You could look up and see the wide open sky and the moon and the stars, feel the breeze, it was amazing. It was like..the whole day, the whole, fun, freeing, joyous day, summed up in that one car ride. Riding in a convertible, with the top down, music blaring, wind blowing. Nothing but the moon in the sky and the stars up above, good friends close at had. It was beautiful.
As we drove the stars kept multiplying. Constellations became clear as we all started searching. We saw huge clusters and spacey loners - just tiny, beautiful, balls of silver light. Growing and changing every time you looked up as the night got darker. I will remember that ride and that night forever. For all its beauty and all its joy.
We often miss those days - we let the small annoyances in life rob us of our joy. The way the kids kicked sand on us while we tanned. The way the grass covered the whole area and dropped burs on our towels. The long drive. The way the wind tangled our hair. The way we were dateless or fighting. The way the fire wouldn't start. Anything and everything could have gotten in the way - but we looked past it. For everything good that happened, we chose to cherish and enjoy it. We joked and laughed and played like children, we sang and danced and talked.
We were all simply together for the sake of being together under one huge night sky that goes on forever.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Looking Back
How many times do we look back and see
Who we used to be.
How many times do we long for those days
Before going away.
When we were thin
When we were free
When we were young
When we were joy
Anger
Pain
Lust
Love
When emotions ran like rivers
When drama raged like war
How many times do we look back
And long for where we used to be
How many times do we miss what we have
What we've worked for
And earned.
Our lives are beautiful
No matter how much we've changed
No matter where we're from
Or where we're going
No matter what we've lost
Or what we've gained.
Look
Live
Love
Play.
But never regret
Never forget
Never want to relive
Never want to go back
Never regress
But live forward
Live ahead
Live life.
Who we used to be.
How many times do we long for those days
Before going away.
When we were thin
When we were free
When we were young
When we were joy
Anger
Pain
Lust
Love
When emotions ran like rivers
When drama raged like war
How many times do we look back
And long for where we used to be
How many times do we miss what we have
What we've worked for
And earned.
Our lives are beautiful
No matter how much we've changed
No matter where we're from
Or where we're going
No matter what we've lost
Or what we've gained.
Look
Live
Love
Play.
But never regret
Never forget
Never want to relive
Never want to go back
Never regress
But live forward
Live ahead
Live life.
Listening In
Sometimes all we have to do is listen.
Sometimes we only need to let the subject change.
Sometimes all we can give is an encouraging word
Sometimes we don't need to speak our mind
Sometimes we just need to let it go.
Because other people have feelings, too
Other people have lives, too
Other people are happy, too
Other people cry, too.
Open your hearts
Open your ears
And listen.
Sometimes we only need to let the subject change.
Sometimes all we can give is an encouraging word
Sometimes we don't need to speak our mind
Sometimes we just need to let it go.
Because other people have feelings, too
Other people have lives, too
Other people are happy, too
Other people cry, too.
Open your hearts
Open your ears
And listen.
Going Home
I walk down this road
Just me and trees
And the birds in their leaves
And their songs on the breeze.
My troubles swirl at me feet
Like dust with each step
Down the road that I love
The road home.
I am at home among these trees
Among these leaves
Inside the breeze.
My joy sings loud
With the sounds of the earth
With the songs on the breeze
And the life in the trees
Beauty surrounds me
I breathe it
I live it
I feel it
I am alive.
Just me and trees
And the birds in their leaves
And their songs on the breeze.
My troubles swirl at me feet
Like dust with each step
Down the road that I love
The road home.
I am at home among these trees
Among these leaves
Inside the breeze.
My joy sings loud
With the sounds of the earth
With the songs on the breeze
And the life in the trees
Beauty surrounds me
I breathe it
I live it
I feel it
I am alive.
The Beauty of Failure
Mmmmm fail. I never manage to stay on top of blogging. I had an idea and I ran with it and it was cool for a while when I wrote every day. But then. Things started happening and I got busy and I stopped. Picking up the pace again is hard. Once the brakes are on you gotta find the gas pedal to keep going.
But.
Maybe silence is golden. Maybe a daily post is too much. There is beauty in life, but you have to look to find it, and you have to want it. You can't force it. It comes and goes like a summer breeze. When you want it most it's the hardest to find.
Maybe my lack of posting was a low point in this journey...a blindness...but to every valley there is a mountain, and at the top of that mountain is the greatest view in the world.
The view is everything. All around the valley floor, through the skies above and in to the stars. Clear sight into everything you ever wanted to see, and everything you ever needed to pull you through. It's beautiful.
It is peace.
I think, today, at the prompt of a dear friend of mine, we can start the climb to the top of that mountain. Maybe the silence was a calm before the storm. A moment before happiness is truly needed. A moment before I really start to look. And really start to post.
Carpe diem.
Live.
Love.
Laugh.
Rejoice.
But.
Maybe silence is golden. Maybe a daily post is too much. There is beauty in life, but you have to look to find it, and you have to want it. You can't force it. It comes and goes like a summer breeze. When you want it most it's the hardest to find.
Maybe my lack of posting was a low point in this journey...a blindness...but to every valley there is a mountain, and at the top of that mountain is the greatest view in the world.
The view is everything. All around the valley floor, through the skies above and in to the stars. Clear sight into everything you ever wanted to see, and everything you ever needed to pull you through. It's beautiful.
It is peace.
I think, today, at the prompt of a dear friend of mine, we can start the climb to the top of that mountain. Maybe the silence was a calm before the storm. A moment before happiness is truly needed. A moment before I really start to look. And really start to post.
Carpe diem.
Live.
Love.
Laugh.
Rejoice.
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