Sometimes I really just don't know what to write about...And then it hits me.

I have had so many things going on in my life lately, and not really anything that ties together well enough to post. But maybe that in itself is something to discuss. Just. Life in general, as it happens.

I lost a friend - she's not talking to me anymore. It's out of my hands and there's nothing I can do. So I've moved on. It's nice, actually, to not have to worry about it anymore. I have my real friends and my close friends, and then people who are going to stick with me through thick and thin. And I love them so much. They make my life worth it.

I almost lost another friend  - through a complete misunderstanding. Word got round that I had been talking shit about her and that I hated her and the whole thing just got so blown out of proportion. She couldn't talk to me because she was so mad and I didn't want to push the issue so I waited. But the nice thing is, we worked it out in the end. We talked and argued a little and we probably still have our differences, but we were able to get through it. We've become close enough friends in the last year that we can get through a little fight, and we can just be open and honest with each other and I really, really cherish that.

I auditioned for a show, and I feel amazing about my audition. When I work-shopped it with other people, everyone said it was good. When I got direction during the audition I took it and ran with it and I feel amazing. The director pulled me into his office today and told me he wanted to talk to me after the list goes up. I completely don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I am excited, because I want the feedback and he is clearly excited to give it to me, but at the same time, I am completely reading in to why he wanted to warn me. But alas, I worry too much. I just need to wait until tomorrow morning and find out for sure. But that has been an exciting/nerve wracking event in my life right now.

I am trying to get in to work and intern with the Cirque de Soleil. I was talking to a friend of mine and she has a friend who is currently working with them in Russia. So I emailed the girl and she's looking at my resume. It's incredible that it got that close so fast. So today, in class, we were talking about our life plans. So of course, I was talking about Cirque, and one of the girls informed me that she had job shadowed with one of the Stage Managers on a tour show for Cirque. She's getting me the contact info, and that right there is another connection. I feel like every day, the more I talk and dream and plan for Cirque, the closer I get and the more real it becomes. How many people can say that? How many people can say they are working for a goal and can see the horizon getting closer? How many people can say that they are doing exactly what they love to do and that they are happy? It's incredible.

I met a kid in my Spanish class. Not an interest or anything, but just a friend. We are in the Honors Program together, but I had never really talked to him. But now we talk a lot before, after, and during class. It's nice that I was able to bond and make a new friendship that quickly. He's a really cool kid and I enjoy our conversations. A lot of my classes have been like that. I have just be so easy going and so stress free that I actually..enjoy them for once. I can walk in and say hello to be and be that kid who has a good time and makes jokes and talks and still achieves and gets an A. That is the person who I have always striven to be. And now I am. I love who I have become this year - I have found myself and I have become comfortable with myself and I can just be me and love every minute of it. I mean, I still have my hardships and I still have insecurities, but for the most part, I am succeeding and I am having the time of my life.

When you let yourself go, it's incredible the things you can accomplish. And you may lose people along the way, but to be honest, those people never mattered in the first place. If they can't deal with you the way you are then they don't matter. Odds are, you are going to meet new people who fit in to your life and you are going to make new friends and new connections. To quote a silly old song, accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. There is always a door open and always a new option for you - something that is going right. You just have to take life in stride and not dwell on things that are causing problems. Deal with what is thrown at you  - just throw it right back.

Happy living!

Late Night Troubles

Rock Bottom

You caught me at my lowest low

and started tearing at the stone.

I crumbled into dust, 

chipping away like rust.

I put everything I had into your open hands;

I felt your waves strike me like sand.

Now folded in amongst the rest

maybe it's for the best.

I'm not afraid to let you go-

I'm not afraid to be alone. 

Caring Loudly

This happened to me some time ago, I just never got around to actually writing about it. And now that I am sitting here, unable to sleep, I figured what better time?

I recently moved back on campus for the year, in the midst of other major troubles in my life. It's just been a hard month or two. But that is besides the point. During the move I felt very out of place - I just didn't know where I fit in or what I was doing or where I was going to end up. It was confusing. I wasn't feeling very confident about myself and I didn't feel ready to face the world for another year.

But I made myself stay involved and stay active - I participated in events and happenings over the weekend, before classes started. One event, an outdoor picnic, was terribly placed in the middle of a heat wave. I hadn't eaten much and I was coming down with a headache from lack of food and dehydration. I decided to leave early, and a friend of mine walked me back to my room. We were just talking, about nothing really, and she saw how miserable I looked and she immediately flipped into a mode of concern. She made sure I had eaten and that I was going to be okay. She said that I didn't always eat, and that I worried her sometimes because I wasn't healthy and I wasn't treating myself right. And I almost cried. All it took was that one little sentence - her voicing her concern for me, as a friend. And that was it - I just needed someone to care. It wasn't any special, huge moment for us; just an every day exchange. But it was something I had been missing from the friends I thought were close to me.

It just goes to show - you never know when someone just needs to hear your voice, or see your face, or hear that you care or that you love them. It's the little things that can turn someone's day for the better, or even change their life.

Make sure your loved ones know you're there. You never know when they may need you.