Have you ever thought about the way you invite someone in to your home?
I stop in the first room with seating. On campus, it's the kitchen/dining area. If I'm not sure what the plans are or what to do, it just seems logical. In my apartment, it was the living area - the room immediately attached to the foyer area. This idea just seems neutral to me - it's not letting anyone too far in, but it's not keeping them out in the cold.
But many people will invite you to their most comfortable living area, where you can be at ease and share. Some people will take you back to their room - completely open to having you in their own personal space. Some people will stand at the door, leaving you to your own business and forcing you to request your way inside.
The way I am in my own reflects the way I am psychologically. I don't let people in to my head often - I don't talk about my personal problems and struggles. I keep people at a distance, only letting on what is necessary for our relationship. I like to listen to other people and help them out before we get to me. And we rarely get to me. What do your host/hostess behaviors say about you?
I've been taking this communications course - nothing in depth, just a general overview of the topic - but it's really gotten me thinking about my actions and my words and what they might say about me or how they might affect other people - as if I wasn't already worried enough about what other people think.
But I find these connections extremely interesting. Like how far I let people in to my home. I am able to discover new things about my personality and and my mannerisms that I never really thought about or understood before.
It really pays to be observant. I enjoy knowing these previously mysterious little tidbits of information. And just think how much you could learn about other people by observing these same things - and how much of an easier time you could have communicating and interacting with them once you know their motivations and what they are thinking.
Language and communication are very powerful things when we understand how to use them properly. Everything you say and do reflects something deeper inside you and conveys a message - whether positive or negative - to others who observe you.
Always be conscious and observant - you never know what you might stumble across.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Get Out of the Box and Play in the Pool
I've been working on this paper all day - an assignment for my communications class. We had to choose an article from Communication Currents online magazine, and then analyze it based on the principles of communication and our own opinion. I chose an article on the representation of LGBT couples with children in the news, and how it is affecting them. The author took the stance that it was negative - that the struggles and hardships of the children could be used as ammo to ant-gay activists, and that focusing on heterosexual children of LGBT couples only showed that it was okay for the couples to have children if their children weren't gay.
Well, I read through the articles she cited, and I chose to disagree. I think people pick and choose to see, read, and hear what they want - they take in what will support their own opinions. I think because of this, the stories in the articles needed to be represented in a way that would not scare a way extremists, or even people with slightly opposing view points. As a friend quoted after reading my paper, "nobody likes an extremist-" you have to warm people up to the ideas you wish to present to them in order for them to even consider accepting them.
But what struck me the most, was how much people miss the humanity of the whole situation. I didn't write about this aspect in my paper - with a word count and subject limit, there wasn't really a place for it.However, I still think it is an important aspect of the issue. People read these articles about LGBT couples, families, and individuals and they pull out the facts - they pull out whatever they can use to make and argument for or against. They are reading in order to start an argument about something that should or shouldn't be. But what they are missing is the fact that these are real people. These stories are meant to open the eyes of the world on to the hardships that these families go through, not so that we can say LGBT families are bad, or to prove that anti-gay advocates are wrong, but rather, to show the affects of non-acceptance the cruelty of the closed-minded world.
In almost every article I read for this paper, the families spoke of fear of judgement. They didn't want to speak out about their families because they didn't want to provide media-ammo. They are simply looking to be a family - they want what every family wants - a house, a safe neighborhood, a good school, friends and family to love and support them. But the children are pressured to be model citizens because poor performance could reflect badly on the LGBT community. Parents are afraid to talk of their LGBT children because it might support the misconception that LGBT parents raise LGBT children. If their boys were a little more feminine or emotional, or their girls a little too masculine - they were raised outside of strict gender constraints, and they were corrupted.
The heartfelt stories presented in the news are not meant to produce facts in support or rejection on to these theories. They are meant to bring observers in to these people's live and show the world that they are just like everybody else. The pressure and judgment is there simply because the territory is new, and people don't know what to think just yet. So why can't we see and decide to love?
One second most common aspect of each article portraying an LGBT family is that their children grow to be more open-minder, accepting, and loving than other children. They learn to accept the blending of gender identities - they learn that it's okay to be different from the norm and that it's okay to experiment. They learn to be who they want to be - who they are - rather than who society expects them to be. Aren't these principles that straight parents also teach their children? Aren't these principles the basis of many religious teachings? Isn't this a model of a near-perfect family life?
So what's the big deal? Why do we read for all of the facts and the arguments - why do we pick and fight and analyze and rip everything apart, when what we need is right in front of us? How do so many of us miss the simple humanity of a situation? We are all people and that is what these articles are trying to portray. Is that so hard to see?
I think we could all learn to live and observe as human beings. What if we went through every day living with other human beings - just human beings. No political differences, not economic differences, not racial differences - we were all just people trying to get by - trying to live, and feel, and breathe a little - laugh a little. Because that's all we really are, isn't it?
Take a day and forget everything that society defines you as - forget the labels and the boxes - and just be. Maybe you'll see the world through different eyes.
Peace and Love.
Well, I read through the articles she cited, and I chose to disagree. I think people pick and choose to see, read, and hear what they want - they take in what will support their own opinions. I think because of this, the stories in the articles needed to be represented in a way that would not scare a way extremists, or even people with slightly opposing view points. As a friend quoted after reading my paper, "nobody likes an extremist-" you have to warm people up to the ideas you wish to present to them in order for them to even consider accepting them.
But what struck me the most, was how much people miss the humanity of the whole situation. I didn't write about this aspect in my paper - with a word count and subject limit, there wasn't really a place for it.However, I still think it is an important aspect of the issue. People read these articles about LGBT couples, families, and individuals and they pull out the facts - they pull out whatever they can use to make and argument for or against. They are reading in order to start an argument about something that should or shouldn't be. But what they are missing is the fact that these are real people. These stories are meant to open the eyes of the world on to the hardships that these families go through, not so that we can say LGBT families are bad, or to prove that anti-gay advocates are wrong, but rather, to show the affects of non-acceptance the cruelty of the closed-minded world.
In almost every article I read for this paper, the families spoke of fear of judgement. They didn't want to speak out about their families because they didn't want to provide media-ammo. They are simply looking to be a family - they want what every family wants - a house, a safe neighborhood, a good school, friends and family to love and support them. But the children are pressured to be model citizens because poor performance could reflect badly on the LGBT community. Parents are afraid to talk of their LGBT children because it might support the misconception that LGBT parents raise LGBT children. If their boys were a little more feminine or emotional, or their girls a little too masculine - they were raised outside of strict gender constraints, and they were corrupted.
The heartfelt stories presented in the news are not meant to produce facts in support or rejection on to these theories. They are meant to bring observers in to these people's live and show the world that they are just like everybody else. The pressure and judgment is there simply because the territory is new, and people don't know what to think just yet. So why can't we see and decide to love?
One second most common aspect of each article portraying an LGBT family is that their children grow to be more open-minder, accepting, and loving than other children. They learn to accept the blending of gender identities - they learn that it's okay to be different from the norm and that it's okay to experiment. They learn to be who they want to be - who they are - rather than who society expects them to be. Aren't these principles that straight parents also teach their children? Aren't these principles the basis of many religious teachings? Isn't this a model of a near-perfect family life?
So what's the big deal? Why do we read for all of the facts and the arguments - why do we pick and fight and analyze and rip everything apart, when what we need is right in front of us? How do so many of us miss the simple humanity of a situation? We are all people and that is what these articles are trying to portray. Is that so hard to see?
I think we could all learn to live and observe as human beings. What if we went through every day living with other human beings - just human beings. No political differences, not economic differences, not racial differences - we were all just people trying to get by - trying to live, and feel, and breathe a little - laugh a little. Because that's all we really are, isn't it?
Take a day and forget everything that society defines you as - forget the labels and the boxes - and just be. Maybe you'll see the world through different eyes.
Peace and Love.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Save or Delete: An Ongoing Battle
I went home last weekend to grab the leftover things that didn't fit in my car the first time, and to visit with my family. I'd seen so much of them and talked to then so much on and off it was weird to think about getting back in to the almost total separation that happens when I go back to school. But that's not really the point of this post.
When I got home, I learned that my dad would be driving out to Dearborn in order to do work on my Grandparents' house.
For those of you who don't know, my grandparents died within twelve hours of each other, in their home, last June. It was a very trying time for my family, as you can imagine.
But the house was never dissolved. For my aunts and uncles, letting go of the house and everything inside it meant completely letting go of everything that was my grandparents - and the childhood of my dad and ny aunts and uncles. It was too much, too soon for them.
So the house sat.
My grandparents' remains were taken care of quickly- cremation- but the memorial service wasn't scheduled until September. It took 3 months just to be able to think of their passing as concrete enough to memorialize- so you can imagine what a big step working on the house would be.
At the Holidays, there was talk of using my grandparents' house for gathering, and my aunts and uncle would still stay there when they came in to town. It seemed strange to me - erie - wanting to stay in the house of someone who'd passed. But it was okay for them, and I guess that's what mattered. I avoided it on most occasions.
But this weekend - a year later - they were finally ready to start tackling the huge project of cleaning, sorting, and dividing my grandparents' things amongst them. Ad believe me, that house is full to the brim of things to go through.
They had been at the house two or three days before I'd gotten there. Many rooms were full of things with tags on them labeling who wanted what and what items would need to be "fought over." Some were complete, some weren't, and there was a lot left to do. Ibwalked through the house, looking at all the items, reminiscing about certain things and times that I'd had there. But as I walked, I didn't really come acrid anything I'd want to keep. They were all just...things. They came with memories, yes, but they weren't memories I didn't have in my head or in pictures.
This was not the case for my family going through the house. Everything was of value and importance. They reminisced as they went through things and labeled things based on the rememberance. They talked of getting storage units in order to make room for all of the things they would be bringing home.
I wanted to understand where they were coming from, and I did a little, but I could also see where it could become such a waste- all of those things just sitting in a unit, gathering dust simply because they reminded us of a long-gone past. These two viewpoints left me in a very big contradiction of thoughts.
Which is better? Collecting scads of things that we may not need, and may not ever use - or living in a throw-away society, where nothing means anything and we live, basically, sentimentally barren?
I couldn't help but feel that so many things; ties; memories; reminders would bog us down. How can you go through life attached to so many objects? You'd never be able to just live and be and breathe- you would be defined by all of the things you'd carry with you. But at the same time, we can't go through life carrying nothing. Without attachment we are careless. Even heartless - one couldn't be expected to walk through his parents house and want nothing.
I guess I don't really know why I was bothered the amount things being saved just for the sake of saving. Maybe it's the waste - think of all the people who might love to have those things- all the good that could be done by donating them or selling them. Maybe it's the mixture of feelings that I still have for the whole situation. I'm not yet sure where I stand as far as moving on, so blocking it out just seems more comfortable. Maybe it's my lack of connection to my grandparents and to that house - we never spent much time there, so my memories are hardly grand. I don't know, and probably wont know, but regardless, there is something strange there.
Maybe for my family, they are still struggling to move on. Maybe this step is a good step, though arduous. Maybe when they are ready, there will be a phase two to the sorting, when we will get down to the really important things.
But in the end I'm not sure if it matters. Should we save? Or should we delete? I'm not sure where the line is, and maybe we all balance each other out in the end - I don't know. But in the meantime, I will continue pondering.
When I got home, I learned that my dad would be driving out to Dearborn in order to do work on my Grandparents' house.
For those of you who don't know, my grandparents died within twelve hours of each other, in their home, last June. It was a very trying time for my family, as you can imagine.
But the house was never dissolved. For my aunts and uncles, letting go of the house and everything inside it meant completely letting go of everything that was my grandparents - and the childhood of my dad and ny aunts and uncles. It was too much, too soon for them.
So the house sat.
My grandparents' remains were taken care of quickly- cremation- but the memorial service wasn't scheduled until September. It took 3 months just to be able to think of their passing as concrete enough to memorialize- so you can imagine what a big step working on the house would be.
At the Holidays, there was talk of using my grandparents' house for gathering, and my aunts and uncle would still stay there when they came in to town. It seemed strange to me - erie - wanting to stay in the house of someone who'd passed. But it was okay for them, and I guess that's what mattered. I avoided it on most occasions.
But this weekend - a year later - they were finally ready to start tackling the huge project of cleaning, sorting, and dividing my grandparents' things amongst them. Ad believe me, that house is full to the brim of things to go through.
They had been at the house two or three days before I'd gotten there. Many rooms were full of things with tags on them labeling who wanted what and what items would need to be "fought over." Some were complete, some weren't, and there was a lot left to do. Ibwalked through the house, looking at all the items, reminiscing about certain things and times that I'd had there. But as I walked, I didn't really come acrid anything I'd want to keep. They were all just...things. They came with memories, yes, but they weren't memories I didn't have in my head or in pictures.
This was not the case for my family going through the house. Everything was of value and importance. They reminisced as they went through things and labeled things based on the rememberance. They talked of getting storage units in order to make room for all of the things they would be bringing home.
I wanted to understand where they were coming from, and I did a little, but I could also see where it could become such a waste- all of those things just sitting in a unit, gathering dust simply because they reminded us of a long-gone past. These two viewpoints left me in a very big contradiction of thoughts.
Which is better? Collecting scads of things that we may not need, and may not ever use - or living in a throw-away society, where nothing means anything and we live, basically, sentimentally barren?
I couldn't help but feel that so many things; ties; memories; reminders would bog us down. How can you go through life attached to so many objects? You'd never be able to just live and be and breathe- you would be defined by all of the things you'd carry with you. But at the same time, we can't go through life carrying nothing. Without attachment we are careless. Even heartless - one couldn't be expected to walk through his parents house and want nothing.
I guess I don't really know why I was bothered the amount things being saved just for the sake of saving. Maybe it's the waste - think of all the people who might love to have those things- all the good that could be done by donating them or selling them. Maybe it's the mixture of feelings that I still have for the whole situation. I'm not yet sure where I stand as far as moving on, so blocking it out just seems more comfortable. Maybe it's my lack of connection to my grandparents and to that house - we never spent much time there, so my memories are hardly grand. I don't know, and probably wont know, but regardless, there is something strange there.
Maybe for my family, they are still struggling to move on. Maybe this step is a good step, though arduous. Maybe when they are ready, there will be a phase two to the sorting, when we will get down to the really important things.
But in the end I'm not sure if it matters. Should we save? Or should we delete? I'm not sure where the line is, and maybe we all balance each other out in the end - I don't know. But in the meantime, I will continue pondering.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
There IS Sense to the Silly Things I Say
We were at the fireworks for the 4th of July yesterday and I said something silly, that didn't really make sense. I knew what I'd said wasn't what I mean, but there was too much going on to really think about it and fix it. I took me until today to figure it out.
Everything had just ended - the smoke from the Grand Finale was still lingering in the air, catching the red, white, and blue beams from spot lights. Mass amounts of people were gathering their things and heading back to their cars, fighting with each other for walking space, car space, and the right of way. Even still, there were people sitting on the lawns lighting off cheap, legal "fireworks," and even some illegal ones.
It had been a friend of mine's first time celebrating the 4th, and he wasn't impressed. It was stressful, he said. Which is true. The Saginaw set up isn't really crowd friendly. Another in our group loves it - the people, the colors, the fireworks, what it represents. The whole shebang. In response to the discussion, I'd said "I just like the fireworks. I could give two shits about the holiday, I don't really like what it represents. But I like the fireworks." After a quizzical look, I continued, "The whole killing people for more land idea." Which didn't really get me a good response. More of a condescending "you don't really understand, do you?" response.
I realize what I'd said, but with the hectic crowds and the moment, I let it go. I kept thinking about it though. I knew what I'd meant, I just couldn't phrase it.
It's not that I don't understand that the 4th of July is Independence Day - our freedom from Britain - rather than a celebration of a battle for land. I'm not an idiot. But it took a battle for land, theoretically to get there. If we didn't win the land, Britain would still have it and we wouldn't really be free. Which is from where I was coming. But that wasn't my ultimate meaning.
The United States of American were originally fought for and founded in order to gain religious freedom from Britain. Colonists wanted to practice what they believed, rather than what they were told to believe. They didn't want to be controlled by a government in which they had no say. All very valid arguments.
So we fought, and we won, and that's great. But then we proceeded to persecute those not of the religion on which American was founded - or any other differences people may have had, really. Salem Witch Trials, anyone? Red Scare? Slavery and the Civil Rights Movement? Women's Rights? The LGBT Rights Movement? We aren't really even free from our own country. We gain new freedoms, sure. But it takes a long, hard battle to get there. Frankly, if there was anymore land to be had, there'd probably be a group destined for it, trying to start a new country. What do you think - socialist? All gay, all the time? Survey says...
Our victory and freedom from Britain was just a proclamation of our inability to accept our differences as human beings, and an encouragement to run away and live with other people who are just like us. And that is what I don't like about the 4th of July. We have a great and beautiful country and we have a lot of freedoms compared to other places, but we aren't done yet. Not until we can live with our neighbors, no matter how much we disagree with them, and love them for who they are.
And maybe the 4th of July is a celebration of out ability to fight for our freedoms and win - I suppose that's a possibility. But I'm not ready to gloss things over just yet. There still a little negativity buried beneath my optimism.
None the less - I love my country - but we aren't perfect. And that was all I meant by my slightly inaccurate and brash statement.
Happy America Day,
Peace and Love.
Everything had just ended - the smoke from the Grand Finale was still lingering in the air, catching the red, white, and blue beams from spot lights. Mass amounts of people were gathering their things and heading back to their cars, fighting with each other for walking space, car space, and the right of way. Even still, there were people sitting on the lawns lighting off cheap, legal "fireworks," and even some illegal ones.
It had been a friend of mine's first time celebrating the 4th, and he wasn't impressed. It was stressful, he said. Which is true. The Saginaw set up isn't really crowd friendly. Another in our group loves it - the people, the colors, the fireworks, what it represents. The whole shebang. In response to the discussion, I'd said "I just like the fireworks. I could give two shits about the holiday, I don't really like what it represents. But I like the fireworks." After a quizzical look, I continued, "The whole killing people for more land idea." Which didn't really get me a good response. More of a condescending "you don't really understand, do you?" response.
I realize what I'd said, but with the hectic crowds and the moment, I let it go. I kept thinking about it though. I knew what I'd meant, I just couldn't phrase it.
It's not that I don't understand that the 4th of July is Independence Day - our freedom from Britain - rather than a celebration of a battle for land. I'm not an idiot. But it took a battle for land, theoretically to get there. If we didn't win the land, Britain would still have it and we wouldn't really be free. Which is from where I was coming. But that wasn't my ultimate meaning.
The United States of American were originally fought for and founded in order to gain religious freedom from Britain. Colonists wanted to practice what they believed, rather than what they were told to believe. They didn't want to be controlled by a government in which they had no say. All very valid arguments.
So we fought, and we won, and that's great. But then we proceeded to persecute those not of the religion on which American was founded - or any other differences people may have had, really. Salem Witch Trials, anyone? Red Scare? Slavery and the Civil Rights Movement? Women's Rights? The LGBT Rights Movement? We aren't really even free from our own country. We gain new freedoms, sure. But it takes a long, hard battle to get there. Frankly, if there was anymore land to be had, there'd probably be a group destined for it, trying to start a new country. What do you think - socialist? All gay, all the time? Survey says...
Our victory and freedom from Britain was just a proclamation of our inability to accept our differences as human beings, and an encouragement to run away and live with other people who are just like us. And that is what I don't like about the 4th of July. We have a great and beautiful country and we have a lot of freedoms compared to other places, but we aren't done yet. Not until we can live with our neighbors, no matter how much we disagree with them, and love them for who they are.
And maybe the 4th of July is a celebration of out ability to fight for our freedoms and win - I suppose that's a possibility. But I'm not ready to gloss things over just yet. There still a little negativity buried beneath my optimism.
None the less - I love my country - but we aren't perfect. And that was all I meant by my slightly inaccurate and brash statement.
Happy America Day,
Peace and Love.
Friday, July 1, 2011
The End of an Unnecessary Search: A Long Winded Ramble
The self is not something that one finds. It's something that one creates. -Thomas SzaszI've been struggling for a while now to, for lack of a better phrase, discover who I am. I know it sounds cheesy, but I guess it's true. I've spend so much time being who I think I should be, or who I think other people want me to be, or who I wish I was, that I've never really nourished "me." I struggle to make decisions for fear that I might make the wrong one, or one that isn't as accepted as I'd like it to be. I struggle to make conversation because I don't know what to talk about it - what the other will want to talk about. I can never just be. I've known this for a while, but I've never sat back and looked at it for what it is. I've just pushed it a way and gone on with what I've always done.
But lately, I've been wanting so much to just be me. I want to be able to answer the question, "who are you?" without hesitance. I want to be able to describe myself in three words without struggling.
I want definition.
But I didn't know how to get there. I would look through things and just search for meaning. I would miss the entirety of what I was looking at because I was simply trying to see myself. But it doesn't work like that. I've been noticing that for a while.
I stumbled across the quote above in while doing the reading for my communications class. The section was all about how who we are is developed from the time we are children, and shaped by our society, culture, and interactions. And how who we are then shapes how we communicate and interact both with ourselves and the people around us. The idea of "self" is extremely important. And yet I have no idea of my own.
Which is where the quote comes in, actually. It struck me I guess, because of all the searching I've been doing. Instead of "rediscovering who I am," I've just been creating and fueling a confusion of my own - pushed further by how much my searching wasn't doing.
So I stopped. And I thought back to everything that I'd been focusing on, looking for some, great meaning. And I found what I'd been looking for. Sort of.
Ultimately, I am defined by my sexuality - something that holds me back in some situations, and a bit of knowledge that I withhold from many people; I am defined by my gender as I struggle to fit in with societies definition of a "girl," when I don't; I am defined by my masculine ambition, drive, and independence in competition with my feminine insecurity; I am defined by my anxiety; by my career choice as a stage manager; by my need to be busy in order to run away.
These are all things that I have known, and that I have just never accepted. What I wanted was right there the whole time, and I just wanted something different. I was in search of something else that wasn't really me, and in the process of searching I created some other me that wasn't real. I created a shell around myself, searching for something to fill it. But underneath, I have an incredibly strong and independent self - one with great uniqueness and definition and I tried to escape it instead of embracing it.
I've tried very hard to keep this blog separate from "me." It was meant to be a disconnected collection of stories and observations to offer insight. But I have been noticing more and more that it is more an extension of me; my ideas displayed in search of approval, judged by the daily tally of "views." I would like to say that I will begin integrating myself back in to my posts, so to speak. But that's highly unnecessary. I just need to start thinking more, and posting more, and posting for me rather than for the responses.
So that is what is to come.
I apologize for the long winded and angst-y ramble.
Ultimately - don't lose yourself in the world. Don'y lose yourself in who you wish you were, or who others want you to be. Just focus on being. And don't forget what defines you, and don't run from it either.
Just live. Love. Laugh. Be at peace. Enjoy the wind at your back and the sun on your face. All that cliche stuff.
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