The End of an Unnecessary Search: A Long Winded Ramble

The self is not something that one finds. It's something that one creates. -Thomas Szasz

I've been struggling for a while now to, for lack of a better phrase, discover who I am. I know it sounds cheesy, but I guess it's true. I've spend so much time being who I think I should be, or who I think other people want me to be, or who I wish I was, that I've never really nourished "me." I struggle to make decisions for fear that I might make the wrong one, or one that isn't as accepted as I'd like it to be. I struggle to make conversation because I don't know what to talk about it - what the other will want to talk about. I can never just be. I've known this for a while, but I've never sat back and looked at it for what it is. I've just pushed it a way and gone on with what I've always done.

But lately, I've been wanting so much to just be me. I want to be able to answer the question, "who are you?" without hesitance. I want to be able to describe myself in three words without struggling.

I want definition.

But I didn't know how to get there. I would look through things and just search for meaning. I would miss the entirety of what I was looking at because I was simply trying to see myself. But it doesn't work like that. I've been noticing that for a while.

I stumbled across the quote above in while doing the reading for my communications class. The section was all about how who we are is developed from the time we are children, and shaped by our society, culture, and interactions. And how who we are then shapes how we communicate and interact both with ourselves and the people around us. The idea of "self" is extremely important. And yet I have no idea of my own.

Which is where the quote comes in, actually. It struck me I guess, because of all the searching I've been doing. Instead of "rediscovering who I am," I've just been creating and fueling a confusion of my own - pushed further by how much my searching wasn't doing.

So I stopped. And I thought back to everything that I'd been focusing on, looking for some, great meaning. And I found what I'd been looking for. Sort of.

Ultimately, I am defined by my sexuality - something that holds me back in some situations, and a bit of knowledge that I withhold from many people; I am defined by my gender as I struggle to fit in with societies definition of a "girl," when I don't; I am defined by my masculine ambition, drive, and independence in competition with my feminine insecurity; I am defined by my anxiety; by my career choice as a stage manager; by my need to be busy in order to run away.

These are all things that I have known, and that I have just never accepted. What I wanted was right there the whole time, and I just wanted something different. I was in search of something else that wasn't really me, and in the process of searching I created some other me that wasn't real. I created a shell around myself, searching for something to fill it. But underneath, I have an incredibly strong and independent self - one with great uniqueness and definition and I tried to escape it instead of embracing it.

I've tried very hard to keep this blog separate from "me." It was meant to be a disconnected collection of stories and observations to offer insight. But I have been noticing more and more that it is more an extension of me; my ideas displayed in search of approval, judged by the daily tally of "views." I would like to say that I will begin integrating myself back in to my posts, so to speak. But that's highly unnecessary. I just need to start thinking more, and posting more, and posting for me rather than for the responses.

So that is what is to come.

I apologize for the long winded and angst-y ramble.

Ultimately  - don't lose yourself in the world. Don'y lose yourself in who you wish you were, or who others want you to be. Just focus on being. And don't forget what defines you, and don't run from it either.

Just live. Love. Laugh. Be at peace. Enjoy the wind at your back and the sun on your face. All that cliche stuff.