Little Reminders, Part 2

I received some shocking news a few days ago-

One of my close friends lost her mother, and in an undesired circumstance, not that any death is desired, really. She committed suicide, leaving a husband and two children behind, not to mention the rest of her beloved friends and family.

The whole event got me to thinking -

How fast life can change, how quickly you can lose someone, and how easily we grow apart.

I am so thankful to have my friends and family in my life right now - they do so much for me and I can never thank them enough. And that is just the problem. I don't thank them enough, or say that I love them enough, or keep in touch with them the way I should. I get so caught up in my own life and my own business that I push everything else off to the side. And to think that in one night, all that can change. In one night, my failure to appreciate those around me, I can lose them. In one night I will never get that chance to express my appreciation again. It's scary. Terrifying.

And what a terrible way to be reminded - I wish that I did not happen as it has. That girl has been through so much - every trial imaginable, and somehow she hangs on. She manages to find the strength to get through another day, and I respect her beyond belief. I will never understand her ability to get by. I can barely struggle through my own, seemingly minor issues of stress and worry, let alone the trials that she is dealing with. I could not imagine the pain that she feels.

We have grown so apart in the past year, and I fear that there is little I can do to help her, and that hurts me almost as much as knowing that she is hurting.

I called my own mother multiple times in the past few days, in almost panic. I wanted to be with my family because I didn't want to lose them, but work has been keeping me away. I was stressed about my future - the expensive plans that I have, the preparation I must do, the money I do not have. Those minor things built up with the fear of loss tore me apart and there was nothing I could do but cry on the phone to my mom and talk it out.

It's strange how much the events of one's life can affect your own - how one's sorrows can hurt you so deeply that you feel they are your own, or that you feel they will become your own.

Nonetheless, it has been a roller coaster of a week. I want only to be there for those of my friends who are hurting, and be there fore my family as I miss them, and miss being home, more and more as time goes on. And this is only increased by my friend's loss. Realized because of my friend's loss.

Don't let those close to your heart slip away - don't forget them and don't let them forget you. Don't let them hang unappreciated and unloved, because life is only a short breath is span of things. Time is short and days are short - we have what is here and in front of us and that is all.

Don't wait, and don't let stress and worry and "business" get in your way, or stop you from living and loving. It maybe necessary for a time, but it is not worth it, ever. People are worth it.

Peace and Love.

Little Reminders, Part 1

Inspiration: Christmas Gifts.
And no, it's not the traditional don't be materialistic and selfish at Christmas.

I love giving presents. Not for selfish reasons - I don't want people to feel like they owe me, nor do I think that presents make people happy. But when I can get someone something that I know they are wanting, or that I know will brighten their day, I get it. I just love being able to give that joy and help that person out for just a minute, or just a day, as they enjoy what I gave them. It's not that I want them to think of me or know that I brought them that joy, but more that they have it.

It's the same when I give of my time. I love talking to people, hearing their stories, offering advice, being there when they need something or someone. I like to fix things and heal people, take care of them. It fulfills me in away. Maybe that is a selfish reason to do it, but it doesn't change the feeling. I want to be selfless and care and love. And giving of myself is one way to do so.

I do these things selflessly, and I expect nothing in return. It is taxing at times, but that would never make me change my mind about my decisions.

But sometimes, the exhaustion of always giving and never getting anything back, and I feel that I need something in return. I do not like that feeling, but it is there.

Well, this Christmas, I got that something from my best friend. I helped her through a hard time in her life, and I stuck by her side. I saved her life so she says, and just that knowledge was enough for me. But she felt that she needed to do more. She bought me the most beautiful necklace - a heart with my birthstone, engraved with my name and a quote that we share. I cried when she told me what she meant by it and why she had done it. It made me so happy that I had touched her life that much. But I felt like she had gone so far to thank me - her gift was so wonderful, but so much. I almost felt guilty in receiving it.  And maybe that was my little lesson - my own little "careful what you wish for-"

I love my necklace. It's beautiful, and it reminds me every time I wear it of our friendship and how much we care for one another - what we do and have done for each other.

But I would never expect something like that in return form everyone, or every time. I know that I do not need to see the appreciation to know that I am trying to do good things for people. I know that I have done it, and that recognition or none does not change a thing.

I have received a life time of thanks from just one girl, and I know how blessed I am to have the family and friends that I do, and blessed to know that I can help them and be there for them, and that blessing is all that I need.

Peace and Love

Cute and Thoughtful:

In a perfect world, life wouldn't really be perfect - it would have no meaning and we would have no reason for living. Revel if your troubles and your hardships - take pride in your mistakes. Working through them makes you a better person; working through them makes the world a better place.

http://rainbowloveee.wordpress.com/2010/10/09/in-a-perfect-world/

Life Through This Window: A Response, Part Two

After reading a post from a fellow blogger, I recognized some ideas that I have been toying with, and was joyed to learn that they were commonalities - and that they were understood.


The second piece of this post is something I had been thinking about just the other day. It came in to my head when I was writing about my cynical view of humanity, and how everyone has an ulterior motive for their actions. It really got me thinking about why I try so hard to be someone people turn to - or why I try so hard to be a good person. I always say people are shit and that no one really cares. I say that we make promises to get ahead and that we do things to glorify ourselves. So is this why I write these posts? Am I trying to make it look like I have discovered the way we should be, and the everyone should be like me? It made me hesitant to write what I did and I found myself thinking extra hard about how to word certain things. I do not consider myself to be better than other people - I consciously work to cancel out the idea that people don't care. Just the fact that I have to work at it should say something - I fall right in with everyone else - but I was taught as a child and have developed the knowledge of my wrong-doings, and that is what I want to share with people. But at the same time, it still comes out as if I think that makes me better. So where do I draw the line? How do I describe the way I live my life without placing myself on top? 


The two of us, my fellow blogger and I, have not come to a conclusion to this dilemma. It is an interesting topic to think on, and I feel as if I have simply talked myself in a really big, confusing circle. 


But nevertheless, I will continue to do what I do and I will continue to reach out to people, because somewhere down the line it's working; somewhere down the line I am affecting people, and that's all that matters to me. I don't care about my motivations or the way it is perceived by others - as long as the affect is right on the receiving end. 


It goes back to confidence - don't be afraid to be wrong; don't be afraid of what others think of you. Make a choice and act on it and hope that it takes you where you want to go. 


So far, it is working for me. 

Life Through This Window: A Response, Part One

After reading a post from a fellow blogger, I recognized some ideas that I have been toying with, and was joyed to learn that they were commonalities - and that they were understood.

The first, in his words, is a lesson in facing your emotions, and facing your dilemmas. We cannot move away from our struggles without first looking at them and really seeing and understanding them. With this, I struggle. I bury everything. I hide everything. I try to cover over what I am feeling and what I am dealing with so that I can easier deal with those around me. I put so much energy into other people that I rarely leave any for me, and so I save it. I cover it up and let it decompose on its own, whether or not this is a successful tactic.

But aside from burying for the sake of other people, I simply lack the trust and the confidence to share. As I have previously noted, I have been burned before. I have been trodden on, and kicked around I have been left in the dust to burn. I have been raised to the highest peak, simply to be thrown over the edge. And, at some point, you realize that enough is enough. It takes effort to remove the layers of defenses that I have put up. And to get through them is an accomplishment - should you ever get there, revel in it; don't waste your chances.

And I realize that this is so against everything that I write here. I tell people to get real, to get honest, to get open. I tell people to share and receive, to love and accept; and yet I can only do half of that myself. I can love and accept and give to others, but I will not allow myself to be loved. I wont allow anyone close enough. I get scared and I push them away - and mend the walls that they tore down. I retreat. It never fails.

All this does, though,  is attest to the difficulty about which I write. I never said I preach an easy path to follow. I choose the hard road, and I force myself to work at it every day. I write because I need to think - because I need to organize. I write to prove to myself that I am not a cynic - that I have hope. I write because  I need to read my own lessons, more than I need others to do the same. Sometimes I go back and re-read what I have written, and I make new revelations and learn new lessons - or I remember my purpose and why I began what I did.

I have so far to go, and I am so grateful to share this journey with so many who share these same thoughts and feelings. I am ready and willing to learn with you.

So grab a hand and let's go.

Part two soon to follow.

Just Pass It On

Two of my friends had been dating for..gosh, two or three years it must have been, and their relationship had been on the rocks for a while. Each would come to me and just talk about what he was going through- sometimes they would search for advice, and sometimes they would just want to talk. The least I could do was listen. I tried my best to offer what advice I could - I tried to be objective and realistic, yet comforting - it was difficult to balance. They think and feel so differently from each other, it was easy to get lost in what one was saying to me and lose my middle grounds. I hadn't heard from either of them in a while, until today. I was told that they had broken things off officially, and that, although he wasn't happy now, he knew he could be. He told me he was glad that he felt he could come to me with his problems, and he was glad that I hadn't just told him "everything will work out okay." He also told me that the other felt the same - and that they had shared that they had both come to me. They were so glad that they could both trust me, and that knowing both sides of the story allowed me to offer them everything they needed.

It felt so good to know that I had done that - that I had helped make someone's life that much easier. I try my best to listen to people and to look at their problems and help them as much as I can. It is a rare, but beautiful, day that I can hear back from them and know that things worked out for them. I am thankful for every day that I can be here for another person, every day that I can love someone and help him get by.

And I hope that in time, the love and care I gave to each of them can be passed on to another and another, and that one day, we will all be linked by that same love. Because I know I got my love from someone, and I hope that they feel the same joy I feel when they see that I have passed it on.

I hope one day it reaches you -- Just wait.

A Lesson in Confidence and Failure

"Confidence comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong." Peter T. McIntyre

This is something which which I struggle daily, and I am sure many out there do. When one lacks confidence, it is often something we consider to be a "lonely" emotion - It always seems, to me at least, that everyone else is already confident, and I am the only one working for it. But this is not the truth. The truth is that we all lack confidence, be it every day, every once in a while, or just at one point in our lives. We have all felt afraid - scared to put ourselves out there, scared of ridicule, scared of scolding, scared of exile. 

But this universal fear is not something to revel in. We should not be happy that we are not alone in our lack of confidence. Why do we live in such a world that we should be afraid to be who we are? I you are afraid of what others think, and afraid of being wrong, why would you give someone else a reason to have that same fear? 

Instead, we should be open, loving, and accepting to all that is around us. We shouldn't care if someone is different, or if we don't agree with how they are. We can still love them. Differences are what keep us interesting. They are exciting and new, and we should cherish them. 

But, alas, not all people see the world in this way. Many people still judge and hate; and even those who have vowed acceptance still slip up - we still laugh and gossip. It is an easy fault. And so, in this harsh society, how does one abandon his fear of being wrong?

The answer, quite simply, is he doesn't. He cannot abandon it - it is one makes him who he is - but he can overcome it. That is the key. When one accepts that not everyone will like him, and that others are just as afraid as he is, then he will be able to step over his own fears and take the lead. If you are wrong, you are wrong, so you make another attempt and you start again. It's like the age old saying which we all seem to disregard: Live and Learn. We all make mistakes, accept it, learn from it, and move on. Should someone criticize you, take what they have to say to heart and make a change. 

Now, all this is not to say that finding confidence is an easy task. As I said, I struggle every day. I find each day that I have an easier time forgetting and ignoring what others might think, but I still know that the fear is there. There are some things that I am still unable to do. But I have faith that I will get there. 

I was in the office of a professor, discussing theatrical politics. I said I was afraid that people would think worse of me based on the decisions that I make and the actions that I execute. And do you know what he told me? He said: It's tough. I still struggle every day. I worry about the enemies that I might make, but you have to understand that the people don't matter. You are not in this business to make friends. You are in this business to do what you love and to do it well. So someone doesn't like you? So what? You don't need him anyway, because, odds are, someone out there doesn't like him either, and he has already moved on. It's tough, and I'm still getting there. 

How much more honest could he be? He is 40, maybe 50, and he still admits to his fears and to his lack of confidence. But he cared enough to disclose his heart to me. If he made a wrong decision, he learned from it, because he is where he is today. Something worked out for him whether or not he had wrong decisions along the way. 

So, take a risk. Who cares? What's the worst that could happen? You have to try again? It's easy to do things you know you can do, but you learn so much less from those tasks. 

In the words of Samuel Beckett, "Ever tried, ever failed; no matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."

Do not fear being wrong - embrace it, learn from it.

"The hand you hold is the hand that holds you down..."

A few weeks ago, I went back home for my grandmother's memorial. Of course, everyone was in a weird mood, and everyone was at odds with each other, but we got through it. We always do.

But there was a point during the memorial when the children (my aunts and uncles) shared memories of their mom.

The first portion that struck me funny was that my dad didn't share anything, he didn't prepare anything. I thought, at first, that it was because he simply didn't know what to say - because he keeps those things inside. I know emotions make him awkward. But he said later that it was because he had different relationship with his parents than his siblings did. He said his mom didn't try with him - that she just left him to grow on his own, and that he didn't get the nurturing he needed to call her his mom and get what he needed from the relationship. I still don't know what to take from this experience. What could cause a mother to leave her child on his own? And what could cause a son to bury this for so long?

The second that struck was my aunt’s reading. I don’t know that the attachments or the history behind it can be explained, or that it will ever stop bothering me.

To set up this situation, my aunts and uncles still called my grandparents mommy and daddy up until the day they died. These – names – have such a childish attachment – a dependency attachment. To never let that go is...almost disturbing. Something happened in that family; something that is now destined to lie in secret forever.

But my aunt’s reading went deeper than that.

She spoke of how my grandmother was her closest companion – how she knew my aunts deepest secrets, and how no one could ever replace her. It was eerily reminiscent of a lover’s relationship – the life-long partner who knows the darkest places in your mind. It displaced me. Your mother is your guidance and your driver, someone you run from and yet, the one you fall back on. But for her know everything – to be your everything – is…pedophilic. It’s incest. It’s oedipal in a…stretched interpretation…sense. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it, aside from addressing my discomfort.

Since this instance I haven’t been able to shake the feelings from that day. It’s not something that is trapping me or really bothering me, but it’s just there. Could she really have found so few worthy of her love, that she was left to turn to her mother? Could she really have had so little that she couldn't grow past her infancy - grow past her mother at the center of her world?

We bury so much, and we think it’s taken care of, and it isn’t. Things like this stay with us forever. Your past is a part of you. Although I have no control over how my grandparents were, their actions and their affects on my aunts and uncles, and on my father, are a part of me. And in a sense, they didn’t have control over my grandparents’ actions either. They did what they could to cope. But burying so much so that it comes out in these twisted, eerie concepts is painful to observe. Someone needed to reach out to them before the damage began.

Someone needed to love her so she could see beyond the matriarch engulfing her mind, so she could move beyond this obsession. 

I live to be that person, to someone. I reach out in all directions for a hand to grasp.

Find yours and lead or be led.

We often blur the edges or our minds; sometimes all we need is a focus on the truth.  

I Guess Rhianna Said It Best...

My political science professor was shocked at my cynicism in class today. I surprised myself, to be honest. We were asked to write a response as to whether we though human beings were inherently good or bad. My response was as follows:

I firmly believe that human beings are inherently careless and self-centered. Each and every thing that we do is because of a selfish desire to get ahead, or to be better than someone else. We have developed governments to keep people in line and to protect our rights, but as people run for office and are elected as protectors of these rights, it is clear that we are never really safe. Politicians run for office hoping to meet their own agendas. They tell lies and make promises so that constituents will vote for them. But why does someone really want to be a politician? Because they want to change something how they think it should be; they have their own thoughts in mind. They want the power and the ability to control things. It’s selfish. And to make things worse, we are raised in a society where we are taught not to care. If sister is watching my little pony and you want to watch batman, all you have to do is walk down the hall, to your own room with your own things and your own television, and you can watch batman. And we wonder why our children can’t share. We wonder why there is a problem with bullying in the hallways. We wonder why we struggle with religious intolerance; why we have world wars. We wonder so many families suffer through divorce, and why our children leave home and don’t return. It’s because we don’t care enough. We don’t pay attention enough to fix the issues as they come. We just let it happen, because we are getting our way and we are getting ahead and that’s all that matters. People are shit and that’s all there is to it.

Rereading this and retyping it really makes me think about how much I have changed in the past few months; even the past few weeks. I guess, you get burned enough times and you start to learn how the world really works. I mean, I still believe that there is a positive side to everything; I still believe that everything happens for a reason; and I still believe that everything is worth it; but there comes a time when you start to regret trust, and you start to regret softness. You can’t just be nice, because people will walk all over you and people will take advantage of you, and before you know it, you have nothing left but someone else has built an empire. Instead you need to have leather for skin and you need to forge through and care about yourself and put yourself first so that you can be the one with the empire.

But why? Why do I need an empire? To be honest, I need an empire because the empire in someone else’s hands means I have the potential to get hurt.

And it shouldn’t be like that.

Writing that response made me want to change so badly, because there are exceptions to the rule, I know it. But who’s to say those exceptions aren’t doing it selfishly? And the truth is there isn’t. I know I help people because it makes me feel good. I like having people come to me and tell me things – it makes me feel good to know that I am trustworthy and that people think I care. But is that so wrong? If we all wanted to care and wanted people to know we cared, we would try harder. I want to get rid of the thought that we are so terrible. I want to think that we are good again. I want to be happy. And I want the world to change.

I want to change so badly. I don’t want people to have to think this way. And now that I have discovered this, I will put everything I have into changing and into caring. Just the fact that I have to try says something, doesn’t it? Should it be so hard to care? But that is beside the point. The point is that I don’t want to be shit anymore.

But it can’t only start with me – because getting hurt is the whole reason why nobody tries. You can only hurt so much before you burn. And I’m already on fire.

It starts with you, too. 

Sometimes I really just don't know what to write about...And then it hits me.

I have had so many things going on in my life lately, and not really anything that ties together well enough to post. But maybe that in itself is something to discuss. Just. Life in general, as it happens.

I lost a friend - she's not talking to me anymore. It's out of my hands and there's nothing I can do. So I've moved on. It's nice, actually, to not have to worry about it anymore. I have my real friends and my close friends, and then people who are going to stick with me through thick and thin. And I love them so much. They make my life worth it.

I almost lost another friend  - through a complete misunderstanding. Word got round that I had been talking shit about her and that I hated her and the whole thing just got so blown out of proportion. She couldn't talk to me because she was so mad and I didn't want to push the issue so I waited. But the nice thing is, we worked it out in the end. We talked and argued a little and we probably still have our differences, but we were able to get through it. We've become close enough friends in the last year that we can get through a little fight, and we can just be open and honest with each other and I really, really cherish that.

I auditioned for a show, and I feel amazing about my audition. When I work-shopped it with other people, everyone said it was good. When I got direction during the audition I took it and ran with it and I feel amazing. The director pulled me into his office today and told me he wanted to talk to me after the list goes up. I completely don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I am excited, because I want the feedback and he is clearly excited to give it to me, but at the same time, I am completely reading in to why he wanted to warn me. But alas, I worry too much. I just need to wait until tomorrow morning and find out for sure. But that has been an exciting/nerve wracking event in my life right now.

I am trying to get in to work and intern with the Cirque de Soleil. I was talking to a friend of mine and she has a friend who is currently working with them in Russia. So I emailed the girl and she's looking at my resume. It's incredible that it got that close so fast. So today, in class, we were talking about our life plans. So of course, I was talking about Cirque, and one of the girls informed me that she had job shadowed with one of the Stage Managers on a tour show for Cirque. She's getting me the contact info, and that right there is another connection. I feel like every day, the more I talk and dream and plan for Cirque, the closer I get and the more real it becomes. How many people can say that? How many people can say they are working for a goal and can see the horizon getting closer? How many people can say that they are doing exactly what they love to do and that they are happy? It's incredible.

I met a kid in my Spanish class. Not an interest or anything, but just a friend. We are in the Honors Program together, but I had never really talked to him. But now we talk a lot before, after, and during class. It's nice that I was able to bond and make a new friendship that quickly. He's a really cool kid and I enjoy our conversations. A lot of my classes have been like that. I have just be so easy going and so stress free that I actually..enjoy them for once. I can walk in and say hello to be and be that kid who has a good time and makes jokes and talks and still achieves and gets an A. That is the person who I have always striven to be. And now I am. I love who I have become this year - I have found myself and I have become comfortable with myself and I can just be me and love every minute of it. I mean, I still have my hardships and I still have insecurities, but for the most part, I am succeeding and I am having the time of my life.

When you let yourself go, it's incredible the things you can accomplish. And you may lose people along the way, but to be honest, those people never mattered in the first place. If they can't deal with you the way you are then they don't matter. Odds are, you are going to meet new people who fit in to your life and you are going to make new friends and new connections. To quote a silly old song, accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. There is always a door open and always a new option for you - something that is going right. You just have to take life in stride and not dwell on things that are causing problems. Deal with what is thrown at you  - just throw it right back.

Happy living!

Late Night Troubles

Rock Bottom

You caught me at my lowest low

and started tearing at the stone.

I crumbled into dust, 

chipping away like rust.

I put everything I had into your open hands;

I felt your waves strike me like sand.

Now folded in amongst the rest

maybe it's for the best.

I'm not afraid to let you go-

I'm not afraid to be alone. 

Caring Loudly

This happened to me some time ago, I just never got around to actually writing about it. And now that I am sitting here, unable to sleep, I figured what better time?

I recently moved back on campus for the year, in the midst of other major troubles in my life. It's just been a hard month or two. But that is besides the point. During the move I felt very out of place - I just didn't know where I fit in or what I was doing or where I was going to end up. It was confusing. I wasn't feeling very confident about myself and I didn't feel ready to face the world for another year.

But I made myself stay involved and stay active - I participated in events and happenings over the weekend, before classes started. One event, an outdoor picnic, was terribly placed in the middle of a heat wave. I hadn't eaten much and I was coming down with a headache from lack of food and dehydration. I decided to leave early, and a friend of mine walked me back to my room. We were just talking, about nothing really, and she saw how miserable I looked and she immediately flipped into a mode of concern. She made sure I had eaten and that I was going to be okay. She said that I didn't always eat, and that I worried her sometimes because I wasn't healthy and I wasn't treating myself right. And I almost cried. All it took was that one little sentence - her voicing her concern for me, as a friend. And that was it - I just needed someone to care. It wasn't any special, huge moment for us; just an every day exchange. But it was something I had been missing from the friends I thought were close to me.

It just goes to show - you never know when someone just needs to hear your voice, or see your face, or hear that you care or that you love them. It's the little things that can turn someone's day for the better, or even change their life.

Make sure your loved ones know you're there. You never know when they may need you.

Where is my home?

I had an interesting chat with a friend the other day. We were discussing new apartments and dorms, and where we wanted to be in the next year. I am already looking into apartments in this complex after I get off campus in May. I mean, as much as I love being on campus and being a part of everything, I want that place that can be mine. I have a turtle and a bunch of furniture and a bunch of things that I want with me, that I can't have on campus. The turtle is against the rules. The furniture is just a hassle to move when I am not at a more permanent residence. My friend stated that she liked the campus housing - less worries, it was spacious, it was close to everything. And who cares if it isn't permanent? We are just getting through the transitioning years of college before we establish ourselves. And I guess I'd never thought about it like that. Why do my furniture and my things define me and my space? And it's not that I am being materialistic. Or at least, I don't feel like I am. I miss my animals, and I miss my bookshelves and knowing that when I come home, everything will be there. And all my mail will be coming to the same place. I want that..solidity. The confirmation. The assurance. I want to know that the place is mine and I belong there. Whereas my friend is defined more by the things that she is doing and the people that she is with.

These too view points had me thinking - is there really a right or a wrong, or a better way? Is it materialistic to want the assurance of personal space, or is it insecurity that defines us by our friends and actions? I love my friends and I love my work at the school. But I like coming home and having a place of my own. I like not having rules, and I like being able to get away. And I don't know that any of this wondering even has a point.

I guess, I just feel lost in the moving and the changing of everything. I don't live at home anymore. I have some stuff there, stored until I can come back and get it. I visit occasionally for a few days. I did live on campus for the first year of school, but it wasn't my home. It wasn't permanent. My friends were in other rooms and I never felt comfortable just hanging out there. I wanted to be out and about or at other people's places. I guess I never paid attention as to those people seemed to have adapted to their new homes, or if the impermanence of it all affected them. I  mean, we were kicked out at breaks. We had to go back. Then I lived in this apartment for the summer. But I was only sub-leasing. My furniture wasn't in the apartment, my dishes weren't in the cabinet. I didn't decided what services we got. I just paid my bills and had my things in my room. I didn't invest in anything for an apartment, because I knew I was just going to be moving in a month or two. And now I am back on campus. In upper class dorms, though. And we are allowed to stay at breaks. But it still doesn't have that feeling of permanence. My roommates all seem to have utilities and "things" taken care of. We are stocked. Everything I bring seems as though it will just be for me. And most of the furniture is already supplied. But there is no guarantee that we can stay there for the summer, or the nest year. We have it for 7 months and that's it. So why bother stocking it with my things? Why change my address? I'm going to be back on the streets in a few months anyway. I mean, all my important stuff still goes to my home address because it will be there for a while, and my parent's just forward it to me.

So in the end, where do I belong? Where is my home? My life is here, with my school and my friends and my experiences. But feel as though I can't take root. I don't want to be here forever. Just to get through school, I guess. But why shouldn't I want that feel of stability and permanence? At least for the last two years, if anything. Just that can make it worth it, I feel. Instead of two years of jumping and moving and changing.

I just want to belong.

A Lesson in Appreciation

Have you ever wanted something so much that you just fed your whole life in to it? Have you just wanted to be a part of something so much that it became an obsession; a definition? Have you ever wanted to be there for someone so much that you lost yourself?

I have.

And let me tell you, it is a long, scary, difficult road, and it does not end with your desired outcome. It ends in loss.

I met someone, and for some reason we connected. Not on a relationship level or anything, but just a connection. I instantly knew that I wanted to be her friend, and she, for some reason unknown to me, she confided in me from the start. We would just talk- about everything- and it was nice to known that I always had that friend there for me, and I was always there for her. It's exactly what anyone would want in a friendship, right? Only not really. I mean we talked about everything but the actual camaraderie of friendship was only occasional. And, because of that connection that I felt, I put everything into this friendship. I tried so hard to just be something to her, that I lost who I was on my own. I had no idea who I was anymore. I was just this girl who was always talking to this other girl, and who disconnected herself from everyone else- from people who were also there for me as much, if not more, than in this other relationship. And all of this trying, all of  this effort, sort of blew up in my face. I was so frustrated with not knowing who I was that I attacked the friendship itself instead of addressing the real problem. And now I have lost it completely, at least for the time being, if not forever.

So positive, right? I know, I know, not really. But trust me, there is a point to this.

The good part is the lesson. If you've taken anything from my posts, please let it be that there is a lesson in each and every event that happens in our lives. From this experience, I have learned how easy it is to get lost in this huge, crazy world that we live in. We get so caught up in facebook and twitter, youtube and tumblr, blog sites. Everything we do is open to social networking and we are never without connections. You can access the web on your phone, on your home computer, on your laptop, you can text to the internet. People text constantly and talk constantly. You no longer have to focus on one thing, or one person, at a time. And with so much going on, how do you find time for yourself? How do you get to know your own personality and your own choices if you are always so absorbed in everyone else? The answer is that you have to  make time. When I went through this whole fiasco, and realized how lost I was, I took a break from the internet; or really, just social networking sites. I took a break for two reasons. The first was that I didn't want to see or hear from my friend, because it stressed me out and it still hurt a lot. But the second, more important reason, was that I needed time to think. I needed to find myself again, and find what I enjoy and what I like to do without the internet. I needed to know that I am still content and still happy with myself and with my life without the influence of other people. And, thankfully, the answer is yes. I am so happy, and so lucky. I have so much going for me in the world, and such good friends that I may not have been paying much attention to. And I found them again. The last few days, after I came to terms with what I have been going through, have been the best few days of my life.

I have also learned that we must accept what we do, and do not, have. I wanted so much from this relationship, and had such high expectation for it, that I was continually hurt or disappointed when they were not met. And I put everything I had into something that didn't really exist in the first place, at least, in the way that I wanted it to. Had I simply taken a step back and looked at what I had to work with, I may have been more content with the relationship; I may have had better control over how much time and energy I invested into this friendship; and I may have kept a better handle on myself. But instead, I got carried away with a connection; an intrigue; a dream of what I wanted, and I let that get the best of me. We, as vulnerable and delicate beings, need to be careful with ourselves and our minds, and we need to keep a firm grasp on what we have and what we should be thankful for. Although what is in our possession may not be exactly what we want, it is still something, and it is still huge for us. If we are content and are able to work with what we have, we will be so much better off than if we are always wanting more. And that applies to more than just the relationships in our lives, although those are great places to begin with this frame of mind.

Take a step back today, and thank your friends for being who they are, and appreciate them just they way they are. You need nothing more and nothing less than what you've got. You just have to realize its potential.

Peace and Love.

Sobre de los Globos:

I took a few days offline, just to reorganize my life. I invested so much of it in things that were just not worth it, or not a reality, and I lost myself. And that confusion ended up hurting a lot of people, as well as myself. I feel that I am starting to get back on track, and the following post helped me to think and to confirm that fact. A friend of mine posted this on Facebook a while ago, and I just stumbled across it. It was the first post that I read since I decided it was okay to get back online. It ended up to be just what I needed for the day. It basically covers everything that has been going through my head for the last week or two; but it makes it all sound so much prettier.  It was just one of life's little reminders, and I am glad that it was posted, and that I got a chance to read it. Enjoy. 

So, I have been thinking alot about balloons as of 10:00 tonight.

It seems to me I'm alot like a balloon, or I try to be at least.  People are alot like balloons.

I like to float around and make people smile. Make someone's day.

It feels nice knowing that you can make a positive impact on someone by sharing your joy.

Sometimes there is a great group of balloons and they look so awesome together.

But sometimes, pressure builds up around you and you lose some of your air. 

Being swatted around and kicked takes its toll on your seemingly sturdy but fragile frame.

Sometimes your strings can become tangled. or sometimes even cut.

When that happens, it is pretty upsetting initially.

But life finds its why to get you untangled and get you more helium.

When life finds you with your string cut, sometimes that is the best thing.

Maybe the poor child who finds you or sees you soaring in the wild wind will take delight in your presence.

In order to do greater things you need to let go. 

Don't be afraid to pop, all balloons deflate some day. 

Digging Deeper

What do you do when someone close to you lies to you?
         What do you when it's petty?
What do you do when someone talks up their game?
         ...or at least you think they do?
                    What do you do when you're right?
                    What do you do when you're wrong?

What do you do when someone tries too hard?

         Tries to be cool. 

                          Suave.

                         Experienced.

                        "In the know."

What do you do when you know it's all an act?

          ...Or at least you think you do. 

                        What do you do when you're right?

                        What do you do when you're wrong? 

What do you do when they think you believe them?
What do you do when confronting them hurts?
         ...On both sides. 


And why on earth do we ask these questions? Why are they necessary? Why do we feel the way we do? Why do these situations occur? Why can't we just be real? Why can't we be true to who we are?
And if we are being true, why can't we be believable? Why can't we just trust each other?
And why is a lack of trust so wrong? Why is a lack of confidence so hurtful? Why is it such a big deal? Why do we have to be nice all the time?
Why can't we just speak our minds?

"Just be real, and heal."

Why isn't it ever that easy?

Be honest today. Be vulnerable. Be real.
Everybody bleeds.

The Breaking Point

Tonight was weird.
I got in a petty fight with my parents.
And I cried.
It was so stupid and unimportant and was basically solved by the end of the night.
But I sat in my car and cried.
For a good 15 minutes.

They're taking my bed home. Two and a half weeks before I move on campus and get a new one.
Is that what upset me? Not having a place to sleep?

Was it that my plans were dependent on them when I am so used to being free and on my own?

Was it that I got yelled at, like I was doing something wrong because I had my own, separate, busy schedule?

I have no idea.

But something in me broke.
I don't know if things piled up from the week..my frustration with class, not being able to see my old friends this weekend, seeing my grandparents house, thinking about Aunt Penny..
I guess a lot has been going on this week.
And I honestly didn't realize anything was wrong.
Until I snapped.

I guess, I've buried things so much that I hid them from myself.
I think that's why my posts have been so distant.
Why I can't grasp my monologues
Why I can't make real connections
Why I'm so afraid.
Because I don't even know myself.

That's quite a hard truth to take.

I don't even know what I am pulling from this that is positive.
Other than to trust those who know you. Because sometimes they know best.
Even if you don't want to believe it.

Peace and Love.

I Totes Stole This

I read something similar to this, and it made me smile.  A lot. So I am going to be ridiculously unoriginal. And steal it.
Enjoy your contraband :)

The following is a stream of consciousness list of things that have made me happy throughout my day. I hope it puts a smile on your face too :)

When my kitty jumps on my shoulder and curls around my neck.
The smell of morning rain
Napping in the sun
Reminiscing with old friends
Texas Shrimp Pizza
The feel of new clothes
Full-body hugs
Waking up to voices in the other room
The smell of coffee
Michigan Radio weekend programming
The way old, hard-cover books look on a shelf
Laughter
Belting out a song when you're by yourself - or in a crowd
Sonatina No. 1 by Friedrich Kuhlau
When a singer gives you goosebumps
November leaves
The thrill of kayaking over huge rollers
Playing childishly in big waves
Running my hands through another's hair
Dancing
Renaissance fashion
Animal prints
Scarves
The thought of infinity
Space
Scripts
Riding in a convertible
Smoky clothing
Cigars
Cow girl boots
Friedrich Alan, my stuffed monkey
Mixed tapes
Fabreeze
The feeling before, after, and during opening night
Receiving recognition
Glasses
Vibrant colors
Gay rights
Cute
(500) Days of Summer
The Secret of Kells
The day my life and my future at Saginaw Valley fell into place
The days I made all of my new friends
"Being on the bed" and other tales from my life with Nikki Zwerlein
Talking all night, or at least until the police come
Listening to the world wake up
The sun rise
Sunflowers
Bread and Butter
Fruit Salad
Not having to go in for my on-calls
Surprise phone calls
The breeze on my face
Anticipation
Getting a good work schedule
Pay day
Flirting
Double-takes
The 60s.
Doo-wop
"the other man"
Twins
Compliments
Knowing when I'm right
Good waitresses
That energized feeling you get after a good workout.

:) Happiness.

Mariposas son Libres

Today, I was on my way to Ann Arbor to have lunch with my parents before I headed back to my apartment. I was supposed to meet them at noon, so I left promptly at 11:30. I was halfway there, and I got stuck in a huge traffic jam. A stand still. Nobody was moving except for, occasionally, the right lane. Of course, I was in the left lane. The jam extended my trip by a half an hour. All I wanted to do was get to lunch and then head back. I hate sitting on the road.

But that wasn't going to happen, obviously. I was getting so fed up with sitting there, waiting and creeping and hardly moving. Something made me look up though. A flash of color.

A butterfly had flown into my open window and perched on my dashboard.
It was so beautiful.
And to think, if I had been driving, I never would have seen it.
If I hadn't been forced to come to a complete standstill with no air conditioning, I would never have opened my window.
But all of that did happen, and I got to see this beautiful, graceful animal perch for just a minute right in front of me.

Eventually it fluttered away, back out the same window, and the moment was gone. Trapped in my memories, and special moment just for me to observe and remember.

Just one of life's little pick-me-ups.

The Truth in Cicero

I hope this works. I tried to type the entry on my phone, but it was too long so I recorded it and sent it as an audio clip.
So here it is.
Que Reimos entry for 08/02/2010 at 12:56am: The Truth in Cicero.

Peace and Love.

Gran Alegría

Today, I drove home for the first of two reasons: To see my dad's band play publicly. Although it wasn't a first for them, it was the first time I got to see it. They were playing at a local music festival for the third time, and had quite a few return audience members. Very impressive.

But, of course, today of all days it rained. They had a dry period to set up, but after that it grew from a sprinkle to full blown rain storm, until the second dry period: just in time for their tear down. They were troopers. They played for their entire two hour set; for the whole duration of the storm, with nothing but the protection of a tarp. The singer was soaked by the third song.

They didn't let the rain get in the way. They took what was given to them and they made the best of it. They took the clouds and the rain and gloom and they filled it with the beauty of their music - And we celebrated by dancing through the rain.

It was like we were five years old again- running and jumping through the puddles, not a care in the world.

That's what I call joy. Have you felt it today?

"Solamente"

So here we are, at the endof July. But I guess it will technically be August by the time this is posted. Either way, the end of summer. The days seem to be going by so fast. There's so much I told myself I was going to do, and then I didn't do it. But, I guess there is still all of August. I've got time, right?

That seems to be something we are constantly telling ourselves. The day is still young, there's always tomorrow, I'll just sleep another hour, my show is on, can I call you later?

And the reasons can keep getting more and more trivial. But the truth is, life is short. There's always another day, yes, technically. But if you live today instead of tomorrow, think of everything extra that you could accomplish! Think of the excitement, the success, the lessons, the joy...

The world would be twice as enjoyable, twice as liveable, twice as successful.

However, the world would also be twice as full of failed attempts and mistakes. But rather than let this stand in your way; rather than let this be an excuse to "do it tomorrow," use the lesson! What better way to put meaning to the phrase "live and learn?"

Live life today, and live AGAIN tomorrow.

Revisiting My Thoughts

I recently found out that people acctually read this.

I don't know why I found that surprising. It's a blog. It's public. People read things on the internet.

But it still hit me oddly. I guess I've always only hoped my stories are interesting, and never thought they actually would be. But here we are, with people reading, as you clearly are right now.

But this new knowledge made me go back and read my older posts. The god posts. The thoughtful ones that actually made me smile when I re-read them. They were good reminders. But as I got to the top, I noticed that the stories become more distant, surface, and forced. They seem less honest, almost. Like I am trying let you see inside, but I never clean the window.

I guess, I noticed the other day, as I was trying to stay on top of politics and stay informed about the world, that the more I know, the harder it is to stay positive. And it put me in an odly negative mood. It blocked me from writing, from seeing, from thinking.

But as I looked back, I noticed that when I was really writing honestly, I was taking all those negative events and learning from them, and then passing that lesson on. And I lost that. I let the events themselves take over, instead of observing them and seeing everything for what it was. I was searching for meaning instead of really seeing.

But I guess we all make mistakes sometimes. The trick is to not let it get in your way. The trick is to take the mistake, see it, learn from it, and set it aside, let it go. The trick is figure out where you went wrong and get back on track. I know where I went wrong. When I let the stress of my life get in the way of my thoughts - when I lost my meditative mind, I lose the ability to think positivley and write honestly.

And I plan with all my heart to go back to that state of mind - that happiness and honesty. I was so at peace when I could just think clearly and understand. It was like really living instead of trying to live.

Be honest. Be true. Be real.
Don't search but really see.When you let things fall into place and you let things make sense to you, youc an start to understand yourself and the world around you.

Reconnection

Well, an interesting change of events.

As it turns out, the friend that came to visit as been changing with the best of them. Changing who she is and how she acts for her new boyfriend. I didn't notice when it was just us, but in group situations everyone is noticing it. It made me sad that she is going down that road - changing herself to make her more appealing in relationships. I wish she could just be herself.

But aside from this, the subject got me talking to my ex again. About things we haven't talked about in ages. I realized how much I missed talking to her, and how much I still cared if she was okay. We had gone through such a void in communication that when we started talking again, it was very surface. I recently broke down to her over an issue I was having, just because she happened to be online. She just listened. She didn't have to say anything. But it was nice to know that I still had someone who would be there if I needed anything. Someone removed from my new life, because, to be honest, some issues are best left removed. But, the changes our mutual friends are going through gave us something shared talk about, and led us to discussing our own changes, our past, and her hardships. It started taking us back to where we were before. It was a reconnection even better, and more meaningful than the one I'd had earlier.

We have agreed to talk again soon, and for that I am grateful. I want so much for us to continue our friendship, as changed as it may be, and to continue talking, sharing, and helping each other.  It's good to finally know that is a possibility.

Reconnect with someone today. You never know how much they, or even you, will need it.

Reminders

Today, I received a wonderful surprise.

One of my closest friends from back home came to visit me. She has a new boyfriend, who happens to go to school with me, along with his younger sister. So, she accompanied him on a trip up here. She got a chance to see my apartment and see the school and spend some time in the area. It was a nice change from me having to drive all the way home to hold ties with my friends and my life there.

We just talked and reminisced about things that we'd done and friends that we'd had. We gossiped about people and talked about our future. Her boyfriend was with us, so of course, they had their couple moments, talking about stuff with which I wasn't familiar, but it was okay. It was nice to just talk and catch up.

We went to dinner and I got a chance to talk to her boyfriend for a little bit, about our degrees and things. Nothing too ground breaking, but we got a long. It was cool to see her with someone that I could see in our friend group and I was happy for her. We bonded over a prank when she was off to the bathroom - moved all our stuff so it would look like we'd left her there. It was fun.

It was interesting, after I'd spend so much time here on my own and going back to Howell to reconnect, to have her here, in my new life, with a guy who could easily be a part of it. It was like..it was meant for us to stay friends. Although I've changed a lot since I've moved away, and I have different views, different friends, and different stories, I could still talk and share and connect with her. We still had things to talk about.

It was a nice refresher. After I'd gone home a few weeks ago, I felt so disconnected from my life there, it was weird. I wanted so much to come back here and be with my new friends and be a part of my new life. It just didn't feel right, and it worried me. I didn't want to let go of home yet. I didn't want to be the one who left and who changed and disappeared. It was weird. But knowing that we can still talk and visit was a good reminder that I haven't changed so much that I have to let everything go. The way we visited today..it was on a different, more mature, adult level. It wasn't getting together to hang or party, it was a touch base so that we know we are still friends and that we still care and that we will be in touch forever. And it was nice.

I just think we get so caught up in moving on and moving forward that we forget to look back and remember who we are. Sometimes we need life's little reminders.

A Shout out to Richard Cizik.

As of late, I have been tweeting up a storm about a certain Reverend Richard Cizik. Some of you may be familiar with him, others may not.

Rev. Cizik, back in 2008, had been the spokesperson for the National Association of Evangelicals, a post he'd held for 10 years. Generally, one might have automatically categorized him as a traditional Christian conservative, perceived as closed-minded by those on left. However, this is precisely the type of closed-off partisan division that Cizik was so strongly against. I myself am a strong hearted liberal standing way on the left, and yet, I still have a found a deep amount of respect for this man.

In early December, Cizik did an interview with Terry Gross of NPR's Fresh Air program. Although this interview was focused greatly around global warming and Cizik's views on the environmental issues of our time, Cizik also spoke of his views on other issues such as gay marriage and abortion. He also spoke of a strong want for cooperation and compromise, as well as change. Without these, he seemed to feel that neither side [the conservatives or the liberals] would get anywhere with there policies. This is a view with which I can strongly agree.

However, in this interview, Cizik mentioned that a few of his views were changing, including that of his stance on gay marriage. This, in turn, sent him to a discussion with the president of the NAE, which the resulted in his resignation from the position of spokesperson. It has been said that this was because he was no longer the best representative of the views of the NAE.

However, reading this interview, I was moved by all that Cizik had to say. I am not a conservative Christian in the least. I am a liberal and an agnostic to the core. I am gay, and I am pro-choice. An antithesis, almost. But reading this interview, I discovered a certain open mindedness and an acceptance of the world and its changes that most people can only hope to achieve. Many talk of how conservatives are closed minded because of their religious beliefs. And I find that many liberals try so hard to be open minded, that they are closed minded to everyone who does not share their beliefs. But Cizik has managed to by pass this closed-minded trap. He seems to view the world with a vision of love, and a hope for the God's peace that he so strongly believes in. He cares for the earth and the people in it, simply because they are the creations of his God, and he lives this belief and this care in his everyday life. In my opinion, he is truly trying to follow the footsteps of Jesus, as is required by those of the Christian faith.

Cizik, along with David Gushee and Steven D. Martin, has started the New Evangelical Partnership for the Common Good. It is a newer version of the NAE, with the outlook that one must change and adapt along with the culture of the world in order to best govern it in the best interests of the people. The organization is still Christian based in it's beliefs, but it is also based around the care of the earth and the people living here. It speaks to the love and devotion that God may feel for the land. Reading through their initiatives and their description of the organization, I could almost return to the Christian faith, if all preached this strong love and acceptance.

Reading Cizik's past interviews, and reading about his new feats and organization, I can help but respect him more with every article. I see in him the love, care, and open-minded acceptance that I wish the whole world could see and use. Just think - if we all attempted to use this cooperation and this compromise; this love and care - how much better off the world would be? We would have to need for war and arguments, for violence and pain, for destruction. We could all just...get along. A dream that I know is still a long time coming. But a girl can dream, and she can hope, and she sure can fight for it, right?

Let us all put our efforts into understanding today. Listen to someone you may not normally agree with or understand, and really try. See their side of the story. You might find that you get along.

Learning, and Earning, from Mistakes

A while ago, a Friend of mine told me a really big secret.

It happens all the time, really, I don't know what it is. People have always seemed to be compelled to confide in me, or ask for advice. I cherish that gift with all my heart. It allows me to help others and build relationships with them. It's nice.

But this instance was different. This secret, though not a huge deal to my Friend, could destroy the Other Person involved. He told me, not in search for advice, but more just to get it out there so he could think about it. And think about it he did. I kept his secret between us, and didn't mention it to anyone. It was the least I could do.

But, here is where the story turns sour.

I was out to dinner with some friends, catching up on the latest gossip. We were discussing the Other Person. and for some reason...my want to have a part in the gossip got the best of me and I told my secret that I had kept. At the time, it didn't seem like a big deal. The table blew it off and left it alone. It was mostly an...of course that happened..moment. And so, my telling of the secret was forget, as well as the secret itself.

For the time being.

One night I got a text from a friend who I had gossiped to. He threatened to spread the secret around the department, as a way of getting revenge on the Other Person. The secret could ruin him, could hurt his confidence, cause him to withdraw from the department, destroy his future. Somehow, news of this threat got back to my Friend. He was livid. He just wanted the issue to blow over, as did the Other Person. The whole thing, basically, was blown to huge proportions.

I eventually had to come clean to my Friend. I told him that it was I who had told his secret, and basically, started the issue at hand. If it weren't for me, there would be no problem in the first place. My Friend didn't seem upset at the time. But I could tell that the scenario bothered him. He had lost faith and trust in me for a while, or so I thought. And that was the last thing I wanted. I loved his friendship and I loved how he confided in me. I never wanted to hurt him, or to destroy the Other Person.

Eventually, the issue blew over, and the secret was never spread around, thankfully. But I still felt awful. I didn't want my Friend, or anyone else involved, to think that I was a liar, or two faced. I realized my mistake and its consequences, and I began to regret that people would confide in me at all. But they still do, and I have tried my best to redeem myself with open honesty, acceptance, and understanding. But that is not the point of this story.

The point is that tonight, I received a message from my Friend. He brought up that issue from months ago - and said that although he said he would be angry at whoever told, he wasn't. That my coming clean to him, my directness and honesty about the situation meant a lot to him, and "spoke to my character." Although, I am sure, he was upset at the time, he was able to move past it and we were able to make peace.

Through all of this, though I made a terrible mistake, I was able to make up for it by facing the troubles, and my fear of losing the connection of someone close to me. By coming clean, I cleared away a mound of hurt and anger that could have come to pass.

We all make mistakes. It's what we do with our mistakes that will help or hurt us in the end.

Had I run from my mistake and avoided it as I had originally planned, my Friend would have figured it out. He would have known it was me, and I don't know how he would have reacted to that knowledge. But I cannot imagine that we would be on as good of terms as we are now.

Don't run. Stand, honestly and openly, and deal with what is coming towards you. Keeping an open, understanding mind, even in the face of mistakes and hardship, will allow you to keep a positive mind, especially in the fact that positive results will be achieved.

I hope that with this story, though vague, I can teach and others can learn. After all, that has been the best use of mistakes for ages.

The Nut Gatherers: A Lesson in Intimacy

If any of you have been to the Detroit Institute of Art, you may have seen a portrait called The Nut Gatherers. This beautiful portrait was done by William-Adolphe Bouguereau, a French painter who did classical pieces in a modern, stylized manner. The portraits tended to come out life like, and almost of photo quality. They seem to come alive in front of you. This portrait, The Nut Gatherers, had that effect on me.

I went to the DIA about a year ago, and a friend of mine took me to the portrait. He was searching for the room, telling me how I just had to see the picture, how I would see why he loved it once we got there. And believe me, I did. The portrait is of two girls, young, sitting on the ground in the woods. One girl is holding a handful of what looks like hazelnuts, but that detail is beside the point of the picture - it simply adds to the realistic nature. What really comes a live in the portrait is the look on the girls' faces. The girl holding the nuts has a life-like look of insecurity, possibly sadness. But buried in to her face is a feeling of love for the other girl, joy and thankfulness that she is there with her. It's almost reassuring. The other girl lays on the ground to her left, watching her. Her face houses a small smile, not of joy, but understanding. She is silently encouraging her friend, listening to her, sharing with her. There is a sense of intimacy there. And only Bouguereau knows what the girls in his minds eye were thinking and saying before and after this moment in time, and all we know is that the result is beautiful. And he captured this secret moment wonderfully.

Now of course, while at the DIA, the tour guide who happened to be in the room with another group of people tried to explain away the beauty of the portrait with artistic technicalities. She discussed the angle of the picture and the location, the direction of the girls' eyes, etc. She specifically asked my friend what he was thinking and tried to tie it in to her discussion on the lines in the pictures, but my friend was left floundering. His connection to the picture was not through the lines or the angles. Although these are important aspects of the art, and I am sure Bouguereau used them, whether intentionally or naturally, they, like the nuts, are not the focus and intent of the portrait. The point is the result. When the portrait was painted, Bouguereau was not thinking about how we, in the future, would analyze his work and look for certain techniques and qualities. he was looking for a reaction. He saw the picture in his head and he wanted a certain emotion, and the picture is not done until that emotion is achieved. He used techniques and then filled them in with details that made the emotion bloom. Each face was real and beautiful and full of life and longing and we are drawn to it. We connect with their eyes more than the lines on the ground.

I believe that this portrait, in all of its beauty, can teach us a few life lessons.

The first is in intimacy. I have already said that the moment shared between the girls in the portrait is beautiful. And if Bouguereau painted realistic portraits, why can't we have moments like these in real life? I think many people are drawn to this picture because they long to have a moment like this with someone. They long to be able to share and to be understood, and to be loved and accepted. So why haven't as many people actually felt that? I think that we need to look deeply into the faces of the girls and fill their minds with thoughts of our own, fill their mouths with our words. What is your deepest secret, deepest pain, or deepest joy? How would you put that to words? Why do you want to share it so badly? And most of all, who do you want to share it with, and how do you want them to respond? Like the girls in the portrait? Do you want that beautiful moment to be yours? Deep down, I think we all do. I think we all long for it in our own way. Maybe our moment does not look like that, but the emotions are still there.

Placing ourselves in the other girl's shoes, the listener, how can we bring about this moment with the people around us when we don't have anything to share? We always seem to be so busy and so caught up, that we miss out when people want to be with us, share with us, and connect. What if the listener in the portrait decided that it was more important to gather nuts than to listen to her friend? What if she avoided the connection? Then there would be not portrait, not beauty. So why do we do this in our daily life? "I'm sorry, I'm late to the office, can this wait until I get home?" "I'm sorry, someone's on the other line, can you wait for a moment?" If we all just stopped and listened, everyone could share and everyone could listen and we wouldn't have so much baggage. We wouldn't have so much anxiety - while other is waiting, did you ever think that maybe they were re-thinking their decision to talk to you? That that they were re-working their story? The truth becomes warped when we wait.

We try to explain away this intimacy with technicalities and words because we are so unused to these emotions. We don't connect like this with the people around us in everyday life, and so the emotions we get from the portrait are unfamiliar. We can't explain the girls' emotions or understand why we feel a connection, so we look for technique - what was the artist doing to make us feel this way. And we miss what is important.

Moments like the one in Bouguereau's portrait can, and should, happen everyday. We should be intimate with one another. We need to be intimate with one another.

Be real today.

Guilty Pleasures

Today, I watched Degrassi. All night.

But hey. I worked all day, 7:45-4:15. I earned my break and I enjoyed it. You know it.

But I always feel a little guilty watching Degrassi. It's the cheesiest, lamest, high school drama show ever. But it's awesome. They film it in Canada and the Canadian's don't even watch it. They film it because they know it's trash that american's will watch.

And it's so true.

But it makes you wonder. Why do we, as a culture, like the crap T.V. that we like? We watch shows like Degrassi where high schoolers are dating and having sex, moving, dating, making up and breaking up. We watch "reality" TV where rich housewives bitch each other out and socially attack each other based on money and class. We watch shows were hundreds of girls throw themselves at one guy.

Things that would never happen if it weren't for money. Meaningless trash that has nothing to do with national or international news. Shows that make American's look bad in the eyes of foreigners who might spend their time watching something a little more worth while.

But even through all of this negativity, there is an explanation. These people are living rich lives in the spotlight and we can't get enough. We strive to have that exciting life and, in a way, we are living vicariously through these shows. We want to take the risks and be careless and ignorant and pointless. We are sick of the stress of work, money, and bills. We just want to go out and be crazy and not need an excuse. As a college student with homework to do, work to attend, and bills to pay, I miss the time when I was carefree and in high school. I miss dealing with petty high school drama, as opposed to life drama. As a culture, we want to be children. In an adult way.

And this dream, this goal, is completely possible. We just need to let loose. We are so caught up in making money to live "the American Dream" that we forget what that dream actually is: Happiness. We want to keep apace with the latest trends; the latest styles; the latest gadgets; the latest it couple. We lose sight of our personal lives, trials, and triumphs, and obsess over what the society says we need, want, and enjoy. If we forget this - if we just stop, and listen, and really look into ourselves, we can rediscover what it is we really dream of. And when we discover this dream, we can abandon the pointless T.V. shows, because we will have what we want. When we discover our joys and dreams, we discover freedom. Every day becomes childish because every day is fun. Every day is a play date with the world. And it is beautiful.

But of course, it's still okay to keep those guilty pleasures. If we are perfectly happy and content with the success rate of our lives, if we are achieving our goals and living the life we want, why not sit down and watch a show that means nothing? Why not watch a show and reminisce or watch a show and just forget the world?

We simply must not be consumed by it. Be consumed by the drive to be happy and be successful, each in our own way.

If we each follow our own path, no one will collide.

Some People Get It

A friend of mine from back home q111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111200

Well. Apparently Rhy didn't want me to write about that.
I got a new kitten yesterday, named Rhy. Well, Rhythm, but I like to call him Rhy for short. He is a little Siamese boy and he is adorable - just curls up right next to you. He likes to walk across my keyboard for some reason. He was being exceptionally persistent this time and stood in front of my screen staring at me, puring. Then he proceeded to cross over and sit on my chest and attack my face with kisses. He's a lover with the best of them. Sometimes I wish humans could show as much love and affection as cats do. I mean really, have you ever noticed how cats always know how you are feeling? When you don't really want to go to work they sit on your clothes so they get covered in cat hair, as if that would keep you from the office. When you are having too good of a day, they make sure to snub you, just yo bring you down to earth a little bit. When you are sad, they know it, and they sit with you. And they just watch. I know they are listening. They listen to you cry and they listen to you talk, and in return, you get all the love you could ever need. Just from a little fur ball that purrs. It never fails.

This whole love and affection thing brings me back to my original topic, though, conveniently. (But Rhy doesn't care. He just wanted me to write about him and now he is sitting back, relishing in his victory, puring softly at my feet -- Cats will be cats.) Anyway. A friend of mine from back home came to visit her grandma, who happens to live about 15 minutes from my apartment. So I drove out to see her. We went to Kokomo's for a fun day with her cousins and just hung out - played the games and won some cheap, lame toys that I will cherish forever. She took me back to her grandma's house to hang out before I had to go back home. I was in the house for 5 minutes and her grandma, who I had just met in those 5 minutes, was offering to take us out to dinner, even though she had already eaten. She just wanted to take us out because she could, so we wouldn't have to cook anything. I was just expecting to chill for a bit and she went out of her way to make sure that we were happy and comfortable, and she didn't even know me, really. Most people would have just waited for us to ask, or let us take ourselves. I wasn't expecting to get paid for. It was just nice, and refreshing.

We had a good chat, just about things going on in the world and she kept offering to buy us things, or make me a pot of coffee because I said I would probably get some on my way home, and she gave us ice cream. She was just so warm and inviting. Before I left she gave me a bag of hand picked cucumbers from her garden to take home. And she tried to pass of a bag of fresh blueberries to, but I assured her I didn't need them. I almost felt bad, how much she was just giving, and how little I had to offer. It's not like I was prepared to repay her, or like I would see her again to be able to trade off being good to each other.

I guess I repaid her by respecting her house and her company. I was social and I thanked her. But in the end, that doesn't matter. It's hardly the point of this post.

The point is that I walked in to her house and she just opened her arms and welcomed me there, even for just the short few hours I was going to be there. Not many people are like that these days and I rejoiced to meet someone who is.

I think we should greet everyone we meet on those terms, and welcome them in that same way - just open, available, and giving of self. If everyone walked the earth in those shoes, we would all be in a better place. It's not that she paid for things, or that she materially gave to me as a stranger, but that she was kind as a stranger and inviting. She showed peace and love and acceptance. The way things should be.

Give of yourself today -- Love someone.