Where is my home?

I had an interesting chat with a friend the other day. We were discussing new apartments and dorms, and where we wanted to be in the next year. I am already looking into apartments in this complex after I get off campus in May. I mean, as much as I love being on campus and being a part of everything, I want that place that can be mine. I have a turtle and a bunch of furniture and a bunch of things that I want with me, that I can't have on campus. The turtle is against the rules. The furniture is just a hassle to move when I am not at a more permanent residence. My friend stated that she liked the campus housing - less worries, it was spacious, it was close to everything. And who cares if it isn't permanent? We are just getting through the transitioning years of college before we establish ourselves. And I guess I'd never thought about it like that. Why do my furniture and my things define me and my space? And it's not that I am being materialistic. Or at least, I don't feel like I am. I miss my animals, and I miss my bookshelves and knowing that when I come home, everything will be there. And all my mail will be coming to the same place. I want that..solidity. The confirmation. The assurance. I want to know that the place is mine and I belong there. Whereas my friend is defined more by the things that she is doing and the people that she is with.

These too view points had me thinking - is there really a right or a wrong, or a better way? Is it materialistic to want the assurance of personal space, or is it insecurity that defines us by our friends and actions? I love my friends and I love my work at the school. But I like coming home and having a place of my own. I like not having rules, and I like being able to get away. And I don't know that any of this wondering even has a point.

I guess, I just feel lost in the moving and the changing of everything. I don't live at home anymore. I have some stuff there, stored until I can come back and get it. I visit occasionally for a few days. I did live on campus for the first year of school, but it wasn't my home. It wasn't permanent. My friends were in other rooms and I never felt comfortable just hanging out there. I wanted to be out and about or at other people's places. I guess I never paid attention as to those people seemed to have adapted to their new homes, or if the impermanence of it all affected them. I  mean, we were kicked out at breaks. We had to go back. Then I lived in this apartment for the summer. But I was only sub-leasing. My furniture wasn't in the apartment, my dishes weren't in the cabinet. I didn't decided what services we got. I just paid my bills and had my things in my room. I didn't invest in anything for an apartment, because I knew I was just going to be moving in a month or two. And now I am back on campus. In upper class dorms, though. And we are allowed to stay at breaks. But it still doesn't have that feeling of permanence. My roommates all seem to have utilities and "things" taken care of. We are stocked. Everything I bring seems as though it will just be for me. And most of the furniture is already supplied. But there is no guarantee that we can stay there for the summer, or the nest year. We have it for 7 months and that's it. So why bother stocking it with my things? Why change my address? I'm going to be back on the streets in a few months anyway. I mean, all my important stuff still goes to my home address because it will be there for a while, and my parent's just forward it to me.

So in the end, where do I belong? Where is my home? My life is here, with my school and my friends and my experiences. But feel as though I can't take root. I don't want to be here forever. Just to get through school, I guess. But why shouldn't I want that feel of stability and permanence? At least for the last two years, if anything. Just that can make it worth it, I feel. Instead of two years of jumping and moving and changing.

I just want to belong.