I've realized in the past few weeks that I have become disconnected - I have lost touch. I have not lost touch with the world or lost touch with reality, but lost touch with people and human emotion.
I like to help people. I really, really care about people. I want what is best for them. I want to help them and guide them and be there for them. I want to see them happy. I want this for everyone, but I want this most for those who are the closest to me.
I used to fall for people who were struggling; who were hurting; who needed support. I used to know what to say - or what not to say. I used to be able to listen, to analyze objectively and develop advice (whether or not it was given - sometimes advice is not what is needed most), to respond with true, deep, empathetic emotions. I could feel people - feel what they were feeling. I could connect with people, and I loved them deeply.
I've struggled with this form of connection lately. It is not that I have become careless with my words. I still think about reactions - I am aware of the affect my words may have and how they might be interpreted. But my conclusions seem to miss the boat and the effects are disastrous.
I was talking to my mom a week or so ago and she was explaining how she was feeling after her recent divorce. She was telling me how she didn't trust anyone anymore - how she thought her friends, and even her daughters - my sister and me - were always lying to her when we said we wanted to come over, or that we loved her. She continued with some other topics explaining how she was feeling and what she was going through, and I was completely at loss for what to do, say, or feel. Perhaps it is because the conversation hit very close to home, but I think there is something more. I cannot seem to find that place where I can sense the other person. I can't feel what they are feeling or know how to provide what they need. I never contributed anything to the conversation with my mom, and we parted on a very down note. I think she was reaching for something and I couldn't help her.
I think I noticed this change a year or two ago, but I didn't know what it was. I called it a conflict of personalities - a disconnection not because of my inability to feel and respond, but because of a lack of compatibility for communication types and emotional processes. Really, that was just a way of schluffing the blame off on both of us instead of just me.
But, in the last few months, I've gone through a similar disconnect that made the problem much more clear.
I met someone a few months ago - many months ago - and I entered in to a form of relationship knowing that it would be a connection that required effort and attention; it was going to be a commitment. I couldn't just toy with this person while I tried to find myself or figure out my path. But for some reason it was worth it to me - I wanted it to work and I poured everything I had in to this relationship. It didn't mater that I was 10,000 miles away - literally on the other side of the world - for most of the time that we were talking. I tried to be close, supportive, and loving - I tried to have a human connection. But in all of my trying, I forgot to feel. I was connected - I was invested - I cared deeply. But I wanted to look at every situation and find the answers. I wanted to be perfect and say perfect things. I wanted, deep down, subconsciously, to be the savior. But I was dealing with a person. And people aren't jobs. I had completely and entirely missed the point. My desire to be everything that I was not meant to be drove us apart. I wasn't helping - I was hurting; damaging; destroying. There was a chasm between us and it was only growing.
Of course, I did not realize this then. It has taken me quite a few weeks to look back and understand what I was doing - and to realize that this was not the first time that I had done it. Where did I lose my ability to simply be human? Where did I lose my love of humanity - my love of raw emotion and honesty - to replace it with a love of personal perfection and vanity? Where did I lose my ability to feel and connect to those around me and really understand and provide for them? When did I become so closed?
I feel as if I am missing a piece of myself - as if, if I cannot connect to others I cannot possibly connect with myself - and that makes me very, very lost.
Perhaps it is the other way around, though. That I can no longer connect to myself and can thus no longer connect with others. I think that is the ticket, really. I have been through so much in the last few years that I have completely blocked off anything real. I think I desire perfect human connections not only because I am used to having them with others in the past, but also because I am missing my own personal connection. And I am not so sure that realizing that, or admitting it, will get me any closer to a solution.
I'm not really sure where to proceed to, actually. I'm not really sure what my point was with this, either. Other than to ramble and sort things out for myself. Perhaps you can find some meaning in it, some advice or guidance. Perhaps you can relate. But perhaps you cannot and can simply see my confusion and detachment for what it is. Whatever be the case, it is what it is and life goes on.
Until better thoughts pour in to my head,
Peace and love.
I like to help people. I really, really care about people. I want what is best for them. I want to help them and guide them and be there for them. I want to see them happy. I want this for everyone, but I want this most for those who are the closest to me.
I used to fall for people who were struggling; who were hurting; who needed support. I used to know what to say - or what not to say. I used to be able to listen, to analyze objectively and develop advice (whether or not it was given - sometimes advice is not what is needed most), to respond with true, deep, empathetic emotions. I could feel people - feel what they were feeling. I could connect with people, and I loved them deeply.
I've struggled with this form of connection lately. It is not that I have become careless with my words. I still think about reactions - I am aware of the affect my words may have and how they might be interpreted. But my conclusions seem to miss the boat and the effects are disastrous.
I was talking to my mom a week or so ago and she was explaining how she was feeling after her recent divorce. She was telling me how she didn't trust anyone anymore - how she thought her friends, and even her daughters - my sister and me - were always lying to her when we said we wanted to come over, or that we loved her. She continued with some other topics explaining how she was feeling and what she was going through, and I was completely at loss for what to do, say, or feel. Perhaps it is because the conversation hit very close to home, but I think there is something more. I cannot seem to find that place where I can sense the other person. I can't feel what they are feeling or know how to provide what they need. I never contributed anything to the conversation with my mom, and we parted on a very down note. I think she was reaching for something and I couldn't help her.
I think I noticed this change a year or two ago, but I didn't know what it was. I called it a conflict of personalities - a disconnection not because of my inability to feel and respond, but because of a lack of compatibility for communication types and emotional processes. Really, that was just a way of schluffing the blame off on both of us instead of just me.
But, in the last few months, I've gone through a similar disconnect that made the problem much more clear.
I met someone a few months ago - many months ago - and I entered in to a form of relationship knowing that it would be a connection that required effort and attention; it was going to be a commitment. I couldn't just toy with this person while I tried to find myself or figure out my path. But for some reason it was worth it to me - I wanted it to work and I poured everything I had in to this relationship. It didn't mater that I was 10,000 miles away - literally on the other side of the world - for most of the time that we were talking. I tried to be close, supportive, and loving - I tried to have a human connection. But in all of my trying, I forgot to feel. I was connected - I was invested - I cared deeply. But I wanted to look at every situation and find the answers. I wanted to be perfect and say perfect things. I wanted, deep down, subconsciously, to be the savior. But I was dealing with a person. And people aren't jobs. I had completely and entirely missed the point. My desire to be everything that I was not meant to be drove us apart. I wasn't helping - I was hurting; damaging; destroying. There was a chasm between us and it was only growing.
Of course, I did not realize this then. It has taken me quite a few weeks to look back and understand what I was doing - and to realize that this was not the first time that I had done it. Where did I lose my ability to simply be human? Where did I lose my love of humanity - my love of raw emotion and honesty - to replace it with a love of personal perfection and vanity? Where did I lose my ability to feel and connect to those around me and really understand and provide for them? When did I become so closed?
I feel as if I am missing a piece of myself - as if, if I cannot connect to others I cannot possibly connect with myself - and that makes me very, very lost.
Perhaps it is the other way around, though. That I can no longer connect to myself and can thus no longer connect with others. I think that is the ticket, really. I have been through so much in the last few years that I have completely blocked off anything real. I think I desire perfect human connections not only because I am used to having them with others in the past, but also because I am missing my own personal connection. And I am not so sure that realizing that, or admitting it, will get me any closer to a solution.
I'm not really sure where to proceed to, actually. I'm not really sure what my point was with this, either. Other than to ramble and sort things out for myself. Perhaps you can find some meaning in it, some advice or guidance. Perhaps you can relate. But perhaps you cannot and can simply see my confusion and detachment for what it is. Whatever be the case, it is what it is and life goes on.
Until better thoughts pour in to my head,
Peace and love.
