After reading a post from a fellow blogger, I recognized some ideas that I have been toying with, and was joyed to learn that they were commonalities - and that they were understood.
The first, in his words, is a lesson in facing your emotions, and facing your dilemmas. We cannot move away from our struggles without first looking at them and really seeing and understanding them. With this, I struggle. I bury everything. I hide everything. I try to cover over what I am feeling and what I am dealing with so that I can easier deal with those around me. I put so much energy into other people that I rarely leave any for me, and so I save it. I cover it up and let it decompose on its own, whether or not this is a successful tactic.
But aside from burying for the sake of other people, I simply lack the trust and the confidence to share. As I have previously noted, I have been burned before. I have been trodden on, and kicked around I have been left in the dust to burn. I have been raised to the highest peak, simply to be thrown over the edge. And, at some point, you realize that enough is enough. It takes effort to remove the layers of defenses that I have put up. And to get through them is an accomplishment - should you ever get there, revel in it; don't waste your chances.
And I realize that this is so against everything that I write here. I tell people to get real, to get honest, to get open. I tell people to share and receive, to love and accept; and yet I can only do half of that myself. I can love and accept and give to others, but I will not allow myself to be loved. I wont allow anyone close enough. I get scared and I push them away - and mend the walls that they tore down. I retreat. It never fails.
All this does, though, is attest to the difficulty about which I write. I never said I preach an easy path to follow. I choose the hard road, and I force myself to work at it every day. I write because I need to think - because I need to organize. I write to prove to myself that I am not a cynic - that I have hope. I write because I need to read my own lessons, more than I need others to do the same. Sometimes I go back and re-read what I have written, and I make new revelations and learn new lessons - or I remember my purpose and why I began what I did.
I have so far to go, and I am so grateful to share this journey with so many who share these same thoughts and feelings. I am ready and willing to learn with you.
So grab a hand and let's go.
Part two soon to follow.
It's a beautiful thing how multiple people can be thinking or feeling the exact same thing. It's unfortunate how tough it usually is to discover how similar we (as humans) are. But I guess that's half the fun.
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading this I couldn't help but think it would have been exactly the same if I had written it; especially the 2nd paragraph. Energy is so tough to balance, and it's so hard to fake when we feel like we've run out but need to show it. Ugh.